Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

[Beryl]

Its a good day today, so im saying hello to everyone out there for the first time ever.

i am beryl, i have deep depression, anxiety, ptsd and an eating disorder. I have lots of other physical things wrong too. Ive been depressed for many years and i think it is my normal. Over the years it deepens and recedes in slow cycles. I just cant sort it out. Sometimes i think my life is not so bad, then other times it seems unbearable. My head is a big bowl of water and i balance it so well people dont see the tears as i never spill them with other people. There are no other people, there never has been. But now, after all this time there is all of you out there. Yes, im smiling at you. Maybe, just a tiny maybe, im not completely alone?  Its sad to think there is someone else in this half life. Could we help each other? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?    More importantly i dont think my tunnel has an end. Im so tired of plodding down it. So tired and for what? More of the same. Most of the time im numb, there is no enjoyment at all. I wonder if that realy exists. How does happy feel? What is it?  These days i hardly leave the house. I dont actually want to do anything- thats anything. My mind is so fuzzy i havnt been able to read a book for so many years now. Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand? Or am i in this foggy bubble alone, so alone, for ever? Is there anyone out there?

[White_Rose]

Dear Beryl

I do worry about you and wonder how I can get more support for you. Can you tell me what part of the country you live in? From your descriptions of the countryside I guess you live in the south, possible Victoria or Tasmania. However there is no need to tell me anything you would rather not.

I live in Brisbane, near the sea. It's an old suburb with a village atmosphere though I fear it is disappearing with new developments. I moved here from the country 15 years ago and just love the place. I think I have made more friends here than I ever did in any of the previous places I have lived. Or maybe it is because I am getting older and not busy with my family and work. I am aged 71.

If you go to a GP you can be put on a mental health plan which entitles you to ten free psychology visits per year., courtesy of Medicare. You will need to ask your current psych if he is part of this arrangement, but if so you would then be able to see him more often.

The meditation I practice is very simple. Sit down comfortably, consciously relax your muscles, hands in your lap or on your knees, gently close your eyes and repeat a mantra in your mind. Continue doing this for 20 minutes, so you will need a timer of some sort. If you find your mind wandering wandering away from the mantra gently return to saying it. The mantra that is recommended is an Aramaic word Maranatha. It's pronounced Ma-ra-na-tha. It is not a magic spell that brings instant calmness or happiness but is a work in progress.

For many people, after a while things come up to be dealt with. Just let it happen without fighting it and continue to say your mantra. It's a simple process but definitely not easy. Over a period of time you become calm and more in tune with yourself. I hope that helps.

I too get tired of lifting the same burdens and long for peace and rest. But I am finding I need to let go of these rocks and not carry them around with me. Again I know it's not an easy process. I hate it and want it to have happened yesterday to save myself the hard work. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. So I need to persevere.

Take heart and keep those lights on.

Mary

[Beryl]

Hi white rose, bless you for being there. Apart from my psych you are the only person i have to talk to (and all the other lovely bb members that may read this) iam already on the mental health plan so i get the 10 visits each year and pay for the other two. It was better when i went fortnightly and he wants me to do that again but its too much money even if he bulk bills as my income isnt as much as it was then. I am seeing the gp i dont like on monday hoping they will refer me on. Thanks for the meditation, i will try it when they all go out. I will tell you about me. I live in victoria in an outer city suburb. I am younger than you. I have no friends in this suburb. I tried but people drift away once they get what they can out of me. I have a partner but we live apart here. I only see them for about one mlnute a day. This person controls me in an insidious way and is the cause of a lot of frustration, anger ,grief and sadness. Logically and financially i have to stay here. But it is a prison. There are restrictions on everything. I dont even get to go to the supermarket. I dont drive because my mind is too scattered so i cant do it. I even had to plan putting a few nails in the walls. I want to plant trees on my own land but im not allowed, iwant to hang pictures up, not allowed, change the curtains, not allowed, holiday,no, go out, no,plant hedge, no, get a new tin opener,no no no no no no no no no nodo so many things no. Its like being in a pressure cooker with the lid screwed down and he turns the gas up and up and up.          But dont worry white rose, i dont want you to worry about me, you dont deserve that. I will fix everything somehow by myself. I stay for my beautiful special needs son. He needs me. He eats away at me but i love him so much ive given him everything of me. Once i was so strong, i could survive anything, and had to. But im almost used up now. Its like ive waited for decades to fly away but now im nearly ready and i find that im too weak to start the space ship. And i cant leave my precious boy, and he doesnt understand any of it. I am the glue that holds his life together, and he is happy, i have seen to it that he will have a happy life

[Sophie_M]

Hello Beryl, thanks for your latest post.

It sounds like you have been going through a lot and that you care tremendously about your mental health and well-being. It takes a lot of courage, strength and patience in reaching out.

This has been an emotionally and physically draining time for you. We understand that life can be hard at times, but it is important to remember to focus on the things that have helped you manage in the past. Try and look at the positives going on for you and think about what would have to happen or change for you to feel better about things. Try and picture the things you believe are missing from your life and what you feel would make you happy. It is also really important that during this time to remember to look after yourself as well as focussing on your well being by getting the right help and support.

It is great that you are reaching out for help and support and always know that there’s always somewhere to turn to. We are happy to hear that you are going to continue with your psychologist and want you to speak to them about possibly developing different strategies to help you move forward. If you are looking for a GP you can find one from our website. You can find this under "Get Support", and then "Find a professional". This lets you search for doctors and mental health professionals in your area. If there isn't a doctor listed close to you it can be helpful to ask friends or family for a recommendation.

Why not give us a call on the beyondblue Support Service on 1300 22 4636. We can help 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with counselling support, information and referrals. We also have a webchat service available from 3pm to 12 am daily, which you can access from the beyondblue website.

We are here to support you and hope you have found some helpful responses and support here online. It is important you look after yourself during this time and we encourage you to continue to reach out for support. Stay strong.

[White_Rose]

My Dear Beryl

I have waited a while to reply because you have told me so much and I needed to think about it. You have described a truly awful way of life. It sounds so very abusive. I am so pleased you can find some comfort in your plants, painting and other crafts.

Now about the psych. If he is prepared to bulk bill, why can you not afford fortnightly sessions? Please understand I am asking out of concern, not nosiness, but only respond if you feel comfortable. It seems to me that you are in desperate need of additional support which could be available through the psych.

I take it that your previous references to 'him" means your ex-partner, which makes sense now. I presume you cannot afford to buy new items for your home and rely on the ex to provide them. Do you receive a regular payment from CentreLink and/or a carers pension for your son? If you are his primary carer then you are entitled to this. Or is your ex the primary carer? I really feel bad asking you these personal questions. Please, just ignore them if it upsets you.

How old is your son? Does he go to a school of any sort? Children are so wonderful to have in your life, even when caring for them is so hard. I used to work with people with intellectual disabilities. It could be frustrating at times.

I know you say it makes sense to stay where you are and I am in no position to disagree. Is there no way for you to live elsewhere with your son? I am trying to think of ways you could regain your strength and feel frustrated that I cannot do so, other than suggest more frequent visits to the psych.

My dear, my heart aches for you. Please be careful with what you do.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Dear Beryl

Haven't heard from you for a few days. How are you going? You have had such a rough time, how can I help you further?  I am looking forward to one of your lovely posts.

Mary

[Beryl]

Hi white rose, sorry i have taken a long time to answer. Ive had a few dark days, where i couldnt write anything. Thankyou for being there and caring, you are my little bright star shining out there somewhere. Thankyou for all your support and good ideas, they are bricks for me to build with. I feel ghastly at the moment, i want to roll up in a ball and hide, but ive been doing all i have to on auto pilot. Nobody here knows about the inside me and they will not. To answer a few things; when ive used up my 10 visits i pay $50  thats not bulk billing is it, i got it wrong.  The partner is current and here, but we have minimal contact. I listen and hear where everybody is. I time trips around the house to avoid them. No contact, less anxiety. I have so many things to coordinate at the moment the anxiety is overwhelming, its like walking on the bottom of the sea in one of those old heavy diving suits you see in old movies. I have been going for long walks to try and help but its such a slog. The depression is bad too at the moment but im fighting it with all ive got. News; i went to the gp and ive got a ref to see a psychiatrist and get some medication, iwill call for an appt on monday.    My ibs is playing up because i ran out of capsules. I get a bit of money from my artwork but not much. I dont get any other money. My health is too wobbly to do a job and nobody wants the kind of things i can do. The whole of life is in the too hard basket. My son is an adult and now only needs me to hovver in the background to catch him. He is making his way well. He puts the sun up in the sky for me every day. I dont talk about my troubles to him because he still needs me to be supermum. We have no other family. Right now i have tooth ache and ear pains, i forgot to tell the gp. Its all so mundane.  Today in the lovely cold and damp i saw a tree dressed in white blossom, the first one. It hung over a wall. I stood beneath it and looked through its tiny pale, tissue paper petals and burgundy stamens clustered all along its gnarled grey twigs. The thousands of little dainty flowers illuminated the clouded sky like delicate dancing butterflies. For a moment i was lost in the fresh beauty of another world, cool and crisp, fragile and wonderful. A picture for the scrapbook in my memory.

             Love to you white rose, beryl xx

[Freesia]

 New member and first post so...Hi!

This topic caught my eye as I had only said that same thing to myself recently, I feel like an actor playing a part. Problem is, half the time I'm not sure if I'm getting the lines right....or even if I'm in the correct scene!

Reaching out and connecting  as I am going downhill fast and need to find ways to stop this insidious decline.

Look forward to connecting and sharing any insights,tips or guidance when I am able, or even on the odd days when one sneaks through; a laugh 🙂

[White_Rose]

Dear Beryl

Great to hear from you. I have been away for a couple of days. Two of my friends took me to the Gold Coast and I returned this afternoon. Weather was a bit chilly and windy but we enjoyed ourselves. One friend has a genius for finding the sales sections in stores and I ended up buying myself some new clothes quite cheaply. I have been putting off buying clothes for ages on the grounds that I want to lose weight first, but as my friend said "Dreams are cheap".

Great you got a referral from your GP. You should be able to afford these visits. Can you remember the names of previous medications you have taken? Hopefully your GP has listed them on the referral letter. I do hope this helps you to feel more comfortable.

I understand about walking underwater. Such a drag. I have been feeling a bit better the last week. More positive and with a bit more energy, although walking round the shops was exhausting. we spent the evenings chatting and finding things generally hilarious. Although it's only 7:00 pm I am so tired I think I will be going to bed shortly. I always enjoy coming home to my own bed.

Going for walks is good. It has a direct, positive impact on depression as this is how some hormones or chemicals are released into the system.  I think I told you I returned to my exercise class. Trying to get back to my previous fitness level.

I think children always expect mom to be Superwoman and it's flattering in some ways.  Great your son has his independence. Remember it's imperative to look after yourself as well as him.

Just a short note before I fall asleep at the computer.

Mary

[Beryl]

Hi freesia, such a beautiful fragrant flower that graces the borders in spring. You chose a lovely name to identify with.  Thankyou for writing in this thread and welcome to this little garden path. Going back to my comment about acting in your own life, i hope it is helpful to know that someone understands as your feeling it too. It can be quite otherworldly at times and i think it just goes with the territory of depression and anxiety. If you would like to, tell us more about you, as we all care about each other in here, and want to be here for you. I have found a kind of freedom from knowing that other people realy feel this exact stuff im going through, i hope you do too. Your not alone pretty freesia,   Beryl x

[Beryl]

Hi white rose, its been a good day today, i got lots of horrible jobs done ive been putting off for ages and i feel good about that. One of my only positive emotions is a sense of achievement. At least i have one, even though it wears me out activating it because i expect so much from myself.  It sounds like your trip with your friends was a tonic, thats so nice,and i do know what you mean about getting home to the comfort of your own bed. How are the grandkids going?  I would love to be a grandma one day. Children are so, so precious. Ididnt go for a walk today, i ran out of time but i did do the digging in the back yard. Ihave pots and pots of pretty pansies, foaming with blooms! They have such cheeky faces. My favourite yellows opened over the last few days, the daffodils. Did you ever get lost in a daffodil? Just find the perfect one and look and look into it till the radiant golden yellow glow and the marvel of its design carry you away. Imagine what a perfect little rain shelter  for a bee the trumpet forms, and such trumpets, think of an ocean of them blowing a fanfare to bring in the bright spring. I remember as a child wandering the meadow where my lovely trees lived, at the very bottom down by the wilderness there was a carpet of daffodils almost 20 feet deep and twice as wide. Every spring i would wade through them, up to my thighs in a lake of gold, picking their long wet stalks with a crisp snap, gathering armfuls of them, all around was the fresh earthy aroma of last years wet leaves and the sweet song of woodland birds. Id get so many they were heavy carrying them back to the house for my mum. I would fill every vase with their joy and light up our old house with them. Love beryl