I’m lonely and lost and close to giving up completely

[Nothing Left]

I had an episode of major depression and anxiety almost 4 years ago. Fought on for 18 months before the family had enough and the marriage ended. Divorce going through now.

 I’m 51. I’ve lost a lucrative career and my home, my grown up sons hate me and won’t speak to me. I have no friends at all and no family in Australia. 
I literally go to my new crap paid job or sit at home with my cat. I never go out or do anything. My meds keep stuff in check to a point but I’m constantly sad and lonely. I wish I was still with my wife but that’s gone, I can’t imagine I’ll ever get someone else and see no point in life now. My self esteem and confidence is zero. I hate myself. What can I do? Right now I’m just existing and I hate life.

[james1]

Hello Nothing Left,

I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling so much. It sounds like you've lost a lot in the last 18 months and feel so alone. I don't even really know where to start in my response, except to say I understand you are in a really terrible place in life. I hope we can help you somehow, even if just to help you feel a little less alone.

You mentioned you have medication. Do you have any professional support at the moment, or is it just the medication? In my own experience, medication helps but it's really human connection that gives us the strength to feel like there's something worth fighting for each day. In my own case, I had a bad case of depression about 7 years ago and I no longer take medication now, but I still see my same psychologist. I get a lot of comfort just knowing that I still have her in my corner if times get tougher. Do you have anyone similar, or have you thought about it?

James

[Nothing Left]

I tried a psychologist a couple of times but just get fed up with stuff like “light at the end of the tunnel” and “it’ll get better”. Sorry, I don’t feel like being positive. Also, to be honest I didn’t think I was worth spending the money on - that’s the zero self esteem bit. 

Now I just want to know how to leave my apartment for something other than work, how to meet people and how to maybe meet a new partner although i appreciate that nobody will like me until I can like myself

[james1]

Hello Nothing left,

I understand. My first psychologist was similar. In hindsight, of course what she said was correct. But it wasn't where my head was, and not very helpful. I ended up switching to a different psychologist and told them upfront that I didn't want to be told how things will be, or what to do. I just wanted someone to listen and tell me what they were hearing. I'm grateful that she did just that, otherwise it would've just been a waste of money as you say.

I don't really believe the idea that no one will like us until we like ourselves. I know where it's coming from - that self-love and care is really important - but I think it's a really restrictive and false rule. I think we can work on the two at the same time, as long as we are actually focussed on both and not just finding a partner.

One of the most common suggestions is to pick up a hobby, or go back into an existing or old hobby. This can be a really great suggestion because not only are we trying to get enjoyment for ourselves, we put ourselves in a position to meet people through that hobby. Even if it's a hobby you do on your own, it gives us something to talk about when we do meet people. I found it really disheartening when I had to keep trying to make up things that were going on in my life, when all I was doing was sitting at home being sad. I found myself more interesting once I started to read books again, because I had something to talk about. It made me feel better about myself, and made me seem more interesting to new people.

James

[Fiatlux]

Hi,

I kind of know where you are coming from.

At 51, in 2019, I left an abusive marriage after 32 years together and moved to a new apartment. It felt really good and liberating at the beginning. I had a little courtyard garden and a large balcony so I took my small dog with me. 

My children were supportive of my move out. My husband was already in a new relationship, unbeknownst to me, but not surprised as he had been unfaithful most of our marriage.

I slowly started getting acquainted with a couple of neighbours who also had small dogs and although our friendship grew from just walking our dogs and chatting, my conversations with one neighbours grew into a real friendship.

I also stayed close to my children and would invite them over and cook for them. My eldest son moved to a share house with friends just a street over from me, so I saw him more often. Your children don’t hate you. They are just confused about everything right now.

During 2020 and 2021 I went through hellish times, reliving the abuse and trauma, and lost 2 wonderful friends in 2019 who ended their own lives. That was really hard.

Give yourself time. I am 56 this year and although I am living back in my family home, I managed some how to get past the feeling of wanting it to end. I was in so much pain, I really thought that my heart would just stop.

Maybe invite your sons over and get a pizza and watch some football or chat with them about their lives. Take small steps. I know that counselling is not going to fix everything.

[Nothing Left]

I’ve definitely had the “hobbies” discussion with my GP. The problem is my one passion is football (soccer) and my sons and I live and breathe it but without them I don’t want to go to games and of course can’t watch them play. It’s a difficult one. I’m just not able to put myself out there. I’ve just declined a free work trip, flights and accommodation and all expenses paid to our annual party weekend as I’m too self conscious to go and don’t feel comfortable with the idea of sleeping away from home as the last times I did that was on a psych ward. I’m literally not able to/allowing myself to live, just exist.

[Nothing Left]

I’m glad things are looking up for you and thanks for your advice. There’s nothing I’d like more than a simple pizza whilst watching the football with my boys but trust me they do hate me. The last text I got wouldn’t get through the swear filter if I tried to post it! 
I’ve been here over two years and spoken to 4 people in my whole complex. I don’t know how to start a conversation without feeling like a pathetic charity case intruding in someone else’s life. Any suggestions?

[Fiatlux]

Oh, Nothing Left,

Things are far from looking up for me.

Stupid me, I let my husband guilt me into moving back to our family home in 2021 as our youngest son then 24 was going through depression and refused to go out to work and there were days where he didn’t leave his bedroom. My husband told me that our son needs his mother. I am still living with my husband and younger son and my eldest son moved into my beautiful fully furnished apartment in a beautiful complex and he loves it there. It’s so peaceful and safe, he tells me. I am so happy that my eldest son is in a good place and happy, my youngest son is also happier, working and being more social and even went to Thailand last year for a month holiday. He is gaining in confidence and is feeling more independent. I offered to buy another apartment in the same complex for my youngest son (27) to move to but he’s not ready to leave the nest.

I, however never leave the house not even to collect the post. I work from home, shop from home and I don’t socialise with anyone at all.

I understand not feeling confident in a social environment. What could I talk about? My miserable abusive marriage that I have not been able to escape from.

Even My dog passed away so I don’t have her to walk any more. I really have no purpose in life other then, work, cook and clean, eat and sleep and do it all again every day.

My husband and I barely even speak. His Mr nice guy act wore out very quickly as soon as I was trapped again and I am trapped, financially and physically now. 

I did join some online over 50’s social groups just for friendship but I never got to go to any gatherings or catch ups. My husband is insanely jealous of any friends he deems a threat, so I just don’t bother.

There’s an over 50’s group on facebook, called Chirpy something. Look them up and join. Now is the time to reinvent yourself. Leave your past behind. I know that it’s baby steps at the beginning but I found so many people who are in the same position and are genuinely interested in friendship. There are people here on BB I could see as being friends with, but alas we are so distant from each other and anonymous so online friends are just fine.

Take care and stay safe. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Nothing Left]

I’m so sorry to hear that. I honestly don’t know how you are coping. Is there no way you can get out? I feel like I’m just existing but at least I’m in my own safe space and you don’t even have that. I wish there was something I could do or say to help.

[Fiatlux]

Nothing Left,

Honestly, I am coping.

I missed my calling in life as all I ever wanted to do was help others. Had I not married at 19, I would’ve joined a not for profit and I would have done aid work, here or overseas. 

But the interaction here on BB keep me going and give me some purpose outside of work.

If I can help just one other person here, I feel fulfilled.

Keep your head high and chin up. Have a great day.