I have lost my way

[lost_and_depressed]

Like so many threads I have read, I am also new to this.

I have so many things going wrong in my life, am not sure where to start. I know not as bad as some, but from my position I am sinking fast.

I am a 36 yo male. married with 2 kids.

I have suffered with depression for many years, I only recently realised this when I lost my job and went to counselling. I have been on medication for the past year, I have been on multiple types, but I feel nothing seems to be working. I have tried multiple counselors and psychologists and psychiatrists and GP's but feel that they are not listening to me, with some of them I am scared to say how I really feel as I am scared of being admitted to a Psych ward and loosing my job and family.

I have a terrible blackness that follows me around, I can never seem to fully shake it and i always see the worst in people and myself. I know realise I have had this for many years but never new what it was and just thought everyone felt the way I did.

I constantly think of committing suicide and have a couple of very detailed plans and have made a couple of attempts. When I have my worst days, about once a week, this seems like the most sensible and logical decision.

I have always thought that I was a caring person and looked out for others especially those close to me. I have recently developed an uncontrollable rage and anger for the majority of instances I can not actually tell you what sets me off, but I go completely off the handle bars!

my poor wife and kids have seen to much and she is threatening to leave me, which gets me angry. i have not hurt her or the kids and never would, when i calm down and reflect i think of what they witnessed i am ashamed. I do not know how to control it or where it came from or more so how to get rid of it.

Any thoughts on finding my way or dealing with my anger would be greatly appreciated

As I could not bear the thought of loosing my wife and kids, they are everything to me.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Neil_1]

Hi L&D (I hope you don't mind me calling you that, so it can lighten up things a little) 🙂

I'm so pleased that you've taken this step to come on to here ... and by the sound of it, you've been looking on this site for a while, so you'll know this is a wonderful community of caring and brilliantly supportive people.

L&D, I am immediately worried and concerned for you with what you've posted.  The feelings you have mentioned are a major worry and we need to get this addressed.  Beyond Blue have provided their emergency number at the bottom of your post (plus it's always at the top of each page).  And Lifeline is 131114.  Please please have those numbers in your phone if you feel such things might be coming on for you.

I'm guessing that your wife knows a fair bit about how you're feeling, due to you mentioning that she is considering leaving.  Is she aware of the seriously bad thoughts that you have for yourself?

I really don't want to pry too much, but can I please ask whether you take in beers or alcohol or other things??   I do, but you don't want to hear about my love of Jimmy Boags ... sure, most people know it as James Boags, but when you've known him as long as I have, he's just Jimmy to me.  Slight digression there.

If it is yes to the above, do you think this could be the cause of some of your feelings?   My first attempt at taking my life was when I was absolutely hammered, during a Christmas party.

L&D, can I please ask whether you could get yourself off to your GP and could you please do this as soon as possible?  This is so incredibly important.  If you don't feel like talking to them and venting, perhaps you could print your above post out and take that along.  Then a conversation can result from that.

How old are your kids?

You mentioned that you're scared that if you go to a GP or the like, that they might put you in a psyche ward or something ... and if that happens, you feel you'll lose your family and your job.  But please just read your post again, because you've got things listed in there, that if you continue down the track you're on, losing your family and job aren't going to be the only things that might happen.

I'm really sorry if I've been a bit blunt ... I really try not to be ... I just get so concerned for anyone who comes on and presents a post like you have.  L&D, there's nothing wrong with doing that either ... and as I said, it's brilliant that you were able to do this.  To reach out for help, support, advice.  It does take a lot to be able to reveal your inner thoughts, but by doing this, I so hope that we can assist you and better still, that you'll be able to take another step to getting some professional help.

Please please put those awful thoughts (and just as importantly, that plan) out of your mind ...

I really hope that you can post back to us when you feel able too.

Kind regards

Neil

[lost_and_depressed]

Neil

Thank you for your support

I am happy with the abbreviation L & D.

You offer some good advice. I did manage to get into see a Dr today, hopefully am on the right track, but it is so easy to fall!

I do not drink on a regular basis, maybe one or two drinks a month and I don't take anything else

My daughter is 1 yo and my son is 2 1/2 yrs.

Mark