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Concerned, need advice and direction

yeti
Community Member

Hi,

I'm really glad I found this site/forum; from what I've read it is full of intelligent people with experience to share.

At the moment I'm really concerned about my partner, and what action (if any) I should take. We've been together for about 4 years and over the last 2 years she has been working in the mines, 5 weeks on, 1 week off. While we've done all we can, over the last 6 months things have been really flat in our relationship. She seems distant and displaced when shes home, and seems to have no interest in our relationship anymore; that she doesn't know who she is anymore and needs time alone.

She already works in an isolated environment, I'm concerned more time alone isn't a good thing... I don't know if I should try and confront her about everything and bring it all to the table. She wakes up saying that there is no motivation to do anything and has no self-worth. While I think this depression has come up from the isolation of work, I also think there are some deeper issues with her family and childhood that exist.

I really don't know the best course of action to take here, I'm genuinely worried, and want to do all I can. I really appreciate any advice or information anyone can refer.

Thanks

3 Replies 3

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Yeti, working in the mines maybe good money, but there are many disadvantages as well, like no social life, and it becomes mundane, going to work in the dark and leaving in the dark, although these days may have changed, but where is the incentive.

From what you have said it seems as though the black dog is beginning to attach itself to her, and hell this is no good.

I would try and talk to her about how she is feeling, and any trouble when she was growing up, because being in the mines there would be time to think, and the more these bad thoughts continue, the worse she will get.

If she doesn't want to talk to you, then suggest for her to go and see a doctor, who will know straight away if she is suffering from depression.

Just curious as to whether you yourself also work in the mines, and on 5 weeks on and 1 week off and if these weeks are the same.

If she is suffering from depression then her work is going to be a chore, and then this escalates. Hope to for you to reply. Geoff.

yeti
Community Member

Thanks for your reply Geoff; we knew the risks that mining work would bring when my partner started. We (like everyone else) were naive, the hard part I've learnt is that these problems don't happen overnight, its more like a slow burn and I'm hoping its not too late.

I don't work in the mines, I run my own business in which I'm working from home quite a bit (web developer), I think this is hard aswell as I can't just drop everything when she is home. In someways its good as I can spend more time with her when shes back (unlike going to a full time job).

Since shes been back (just before xmas) she doesn't show any emotion towards me, that she thinks we need to have a break from the relationship. I didn't see this coming and it is really hard for me, to have someone so close be so distant; I didn't know about depression before this, and its so hard to work out what to do. Generally I'm a pretty care-free and relaxed person.

I've encouraged her to seek help (the earliest she can see someone is next week, 2 days before she returns to the mines). I'm worried this isn't enough, and of course worried about her returning, despite me constantly telling her she has options; its just money and can quit anytime, her health is more important than a job she hates.

Again, I really appreciate any advice.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Yeti, unfortunately it's common if someone who has depression wants to have a break from the relationship, this doesn't mean that she doesn't love you.

When I had depression all I wanted was to be by myself, and as much as I love my two sons back then and as well as my wife, now ex, I just wanted to be alone.

Now that I am able to fight the dog off, I continually talk and see my sons, one who is married and my little grand daughter, as well as do the same with my ex who get on really well now, but we could never live together again.

I agree with you 2 days before she goes back to work is by no means enough time, because depression can't be overcome in 2 days, but sadness can, which she doesn't really have, it's the depression.

As you say she hates the job, so is she prepared to throw it in, or is she using it as an escape, and I am not putting any blame on you by saying this.

The problem that will happen is that as the depression becomes to really over power her, she won't feel like going anyway, because she won't have the strength nor the ability to want to.

Another problem is that if she does move out then you are going to miss her and then you will begin to become sad or even depressed, so I suggest that you also seek some help, just for a precaution. Please let us know coping with depression or living with someone who has it is never easy. Geoff.