I feel like a failure at life.

[Kaykay1994]

Hi all,

I just need to vent, this has been eating at me...

I feel like a failure.. By that I mean, life. I'm 22 years old, having a hard time finding employment and suffering from BPD and anxiety. My anxiety has been through roof lately.. As I'm just constantly so stressed, I can't sleep at night, I hardly eat and I'm just driving myself crazy. 😞 I have debt (car loan) and rego (due in sept) to pay off that I'm struggling with because I can't find a job at the moment, I've been out of work for almost 8 months now. I'm constantly on the look out for new jobs, constantly applying to anything and everything I can that I'm qualified in or think I have a chance in. I keep on thinking to things like " oh, if only I didn't stuff around at school", or "if only I stuck it out through my university degree", I keep on dwelling on the "what ifs" which I know is no use doing.. Whats the point in crying over spilt milk, right? But I can't help it. I feel like a loser, I feel like I'm letting my husband down, my mum down and everyone else around me. I can't keep relying on my husband, I honestly feel like I am a burden to him, even though he tells me that it's all okay and he is there to help me no matter what. I still feel like a sh*tty person. I always feel like that. I see everyone else around me, have good jobs, pay off their cars, starting to buy a house, and then theres me. I'm just pathetic really. I want my husband to be able to save his money. Buy things for himself that he deserves, but he can't because he's too busy handling all my crap, and all my expenses, because I'm too stupid to find a job for myself! WHY ? 😞

Not really a cry for help or anything, I guess I'm just really upset, I'm stressed and I don't have anyone to really talk too about this stuff. It's hard, I feel like I'm the only one.. When there is probably 1000s of others going through the same thing right now, but I just feel so alone. 😞

Thank you for taking your time out to read this xxxx

I really do appreciate it xx

[Paul]

Hiya Kaykay, nice to see you here on beyond blue forums. It's an excellent place to vent and talk to people about how you feel or anything you like.

Something struck me about your post. You mentioned that there are probably 1000's of others in the same boat. You might be right, but at this moment in time you are in pain and it's time to look at what we can do to help you get through it and feeling better.

A lot of us with anxiety will take a multiple approach method of attacking it back and getting well again. By this I mean some of us see a Dr or Psych or counsellor regularly and also might be on medication and also use techniques to ease the pain of anxiety when it is coming on or when it strikes. Some of the techniques take a while to master but can be very helpful.

You seem to be pretty hard on yourself all through your post, are there any things you can do straight up to reduce being hard on yourself? Being hard on yourself and judgemental self-talk seems to bring on anxiety which brings on negative self talk which... it's a bit of a spiral. Are you able to break in to the spiral and grab it before all the negativity happens?

Are you seeing a therapist or Dr?

I get the feeling you're intelligent and employable and very empathic and that anxiety can grip you and cause the spiral.

What are your thoughts?

Paul

[james1]

Hi Kaykay,

Hugs from a fellow BPD sufferer! I'm so glad you posted that because not only is it helpful for you, but there are others who don't feel comfortable talking yet, but will read this thread and get comfort from it. So thank you for being so brave in opening up to us!

It sounds like you're really overwhelmed at the moment and that's totally understandable given all the things you have on your plate. It might not be any consolation, but I don't think you're useless at all. You simply have more on your plate than others, so the very fact that you're here posting shows me that you're a lot more capable than you give yourself credit for.

I've been seeing my psychologist for my BPD symptoms and, while we keep getting side-tracked by depression, panic attacks, etc, I do have one suggestion which sounds like it would help you as well. My psychologist asked that I keep a logbook of whenever I have any bad thoughts or feelings, or just changes in my mood. Aside from recording what happened and how I reacted, the most important thing in this logbook is to also record what was justified about my reaction and how could I improve my reaction next time. Sometimes I do this during the "episode", other times afterwards.

I think writing it down helps a lot because it forces you to be objective about yourself. And if you try to do it in your head, it somehow never is objective. But on paper, it's different. Do you write down your feelings already?

Like Paul, I'm also keen on understanding whether you're currently seeing a professional.

If you're interested, there's a few other threads about BPD in the Depression section. I absolutely welcome you to join in on the discussion if you feel comfortable in sharing your experiences there. Otherwise, I'd love to hear back from you here as well! It's a really great community on these forums and we all have so much to learn from each other's experiences.

James

[blondguy]

Hi Kaykay

Paul and James have some really great help above. I just wanted to say that you are not alone the way you feel. To me you are being really hard on yourself and not seeing the kind and caring person you really are.

You are a smarter and stronger than what you think. I have people I know that feel the same way and dont have the inner strength you do to have posted here.....and good on you too 🙂

I felt similar to yourself when I was in my early 20's and couldnt stand it so I made an appointment with a community health worker and he was a gift. He saw me every week for six months and turned my life around. Even if you see a GP that you get along with is always a big help too.

You are more than welcome to post back as many times as you wish Kaykay. It would be great to hear from you.

(Hugs) and my kindest thoughts for you

Paulx

[white knight]

Hi kaykay, welcome.

Tough it is. Firstly, I was hopeless with money when young. Very common but I realised a while ago (I'm 60yo) when doing debt collection that people that won't it can't pay their debts is very very common.

There are many reasons for this. When we sign up for a loan how can we predict we won't have financial hurdles during the time of the loan?

Here's the good bit....as you worry about how you ate going to manage to pay off the loan, that makes you a responsible person. Hard off to you because many of those people I used to chase up didn't care about their responsibilities. Good on you.

Hubby. What a guy you have there caring for you. As fir him not understanding.. Very normal. Google this thread about this

Topic: they just won't understand, why?- beyondblue

Assets. Its a two income world. If you don't have two professional incomes you will find it difficult to keep up with others. Unless you consider a move to the country if you aren't there already. Housing is much cheaper and its good for mental health.

believe in yourself. When my first marriage broke down I spoke to myself in the mirror. Sounds silly eh?. It works.

Finally. I think you'd get a lot of benefit from a guy on YouTube. Google

Maharaji prem rawat the perfect instrument

Maharaji prem rawat sunset.

He has many more.

Glad to meet you. Welcome to this family.

Tony WK