New Diagnosis of BPD

[wolfphoenix]

This is my first post. I read something on here last night from someone else who is Borderline and it was helpful, so...I thought to write too 🙂

I'm not sure what to say. I'm a 40 year old man. I was diagnosed a few weeks ago. It was a complete shock to me. I've always considered myself to be pretty self aware, but suffering from addiction and trauma issues....which I guess I do, but this has helped me to make sense of the suicidality, the way I do relationships....the list could go on and on..... I'm seeing a psychologist and medicating for depression and anxiety and sleep issues.

The first week I just wanted to die. I feel completely delegitimated as a human being. I had some big dreams and i feel like they're toast. I'm really struggling with the stigma stuff around this disorder- like once you've got it, that's kind of it as far as ever being taken seriously. So....who do I tell? Or more importantly who do i NOT tell? I've just kept it to close friends and family I'm still in touch with. Also how do people deal with the overlap between your crazy and other people's crazy? Cuz I had a horrible experience with an ex who lied and had affairs, only now they seem to think that they've got a free pass on everything because of this diagnosis 😞

I started to feel like I was finding my feet with it after a week or so, but then I had therapy on Tuesday and....I don't even know WHAT got triggered. Something. Next thing I knew I'd drunk a six pack. I want to find other ways of managing to sit with that experience of pain or the void in myself, but I honestly don't know how to handle it. I'm an experienced meditator.....but some days it just engulfs me. I used to be a heavy smoker and hard drug user and I'm totally off all that for more than a year now, so....that's something I guess.

It would be great to hear a little from other people with this condition who might advise on what's been helpful for them. I thank you in advance for your time and look forward to developing a bit of a peer group here.

Wolf

[Chris_B]

Hi wolfphoenix, welcome. There are two really active threads I can recommend for you - the links are below:

Borderline personality disorder by lookingforme

Managing borderline personality disorder

[james1]

Hi Wolf!

I'm procrastinating in my lecture because I'm completely zoned out, so I can't focus enough to write a very good response right now, but I just wanted to say hi, please feel welcome to read and contribute in the conversation I've been having with another member under the first link Chris posted.

You're not alone and thank you for posting! I'll give you a better response when I'm out of my lecture.

James

[Doolhof]

Hi Wolf,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the wonderful community here.

Let me introduce myself, I go by Mrs. Dools. I have been diagnosed with depression, stress, anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia and so on.

To me, those are all just diagnosis. I don't have to walk around with a label stuck to my forehead letting everyone know what I have been told I have.

I do find it very helpful though to know these things, to read up about these disorders/illnesses/situations and learn how to cope with and deal with them.

Once I had been diagnosed with BPD, my life made so much more sense to me. It was like one of those light bulb moments. I was able to tell myself I was not crazy, the rest of the world just wasn't looking at life the same as me!

For me it was very helpful to read books from the library on Borderline Personality Disorder to learn more about it. Just remember though, all illnesses show themselves differently in each individual person.

You may read BPD can be this or that, it does not mean you will experience all of those things. It is a bit like a list of possible side effects on a medication sheet. Some people have none of those symptoms, while others have quite a few.

Therapy can be tough at times. It can be very brutal, but also so very helpful and beneficial as well. When are you next attending your therapy session if I may ask?

Instead of reaching for a six pack (which I totally understand) could you go for a walk or a jog? Is there a place close by where you could sit and have a coffee and read the paper to calm down a little.

Do you write stuff down? That helps a lot of people. You don't have to read what you have written if you don't want to. Then again it may be beneficial to consider what you have written and share it with your therapist on your next appointment.

This is all new to you, the diagnosis at least.

It takes time to work out who you are when you are not who you thought you were! Possibly.

I've waffled on long enough. Hope some of this helps.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[james1]

Hi Wolf,

Mrs Dools has some great ideas and a very healthy attitude towards diagnosis.

My psychologist took a similar approach with me - she was reluctant to outright say anything, instead describing it as a spectrum and name for various symptoms. So if you have a cold, you have a cold. But you aren't the cold. And the same goes for mental illness.

Of course, I don't always believe that especially on my bad days. But I try to repeat it to myself on my good days. I think that has helped me - recognising when I'm having a good day, and really making the most of it.

Otherwise, I honestly don't know where to start in terms of what works and what doesn't. I feel like the pseudo-diagnosis just shattered my already upside-down life, so every day brings something different. But generally, I've found telling people has helped, though it sounds like you've already started doing that. I also write down how I feel and I go for walks as Mrs Dools suggested.

The BPD symptoms affect so many aspects of my life and it's also brought on depression. My ex said to me that I'd done a terrible job of not contacting her after our break up, because I'd reached out on about 4 occasions in 2 months. And while that sounds like a lot to her, to me those 2 months were pretty damn long. I basically count each hour or even each minute on bad days, so when you put it in terms of 4 times in 1400 hours, that's not too bad!

So I guess where I'm getting at with that is that the therapy will feel like ages. And it will totally suck. But you sound like a guy who wants to see the end and, logically, I hope you can see that there is a good ending to this story, where you can lead a "normal" life.

Can I ask if your therapist has told you what they want to try? Mine is looking to start schema therapy with me (it keeps getting delayed because I have a new little blow-up each week..).

James

[Doolhof]

Hi James and Wolf,

James, would you like to share with us a little about your Blow ups? Wolf has shared with us how he didn't do too well after a therapy session.

Knowing that other people have difficulties in so many areas of mental health can help us realise that we are not so different from other people in similar situations.

There have been times after some of my sessions where I have had to go for a walk before I drove home as I was so angry and confused. I have gone to a café for a coffee and cake. Have arrived home and pulled up weeds or cut back bushes.

There have been times where I have felt like screaming and breaking things.

I don't always go to a session, have a chat, learn about everything that is wrong with me then serenely walk out of the building all calm and collected!

Some days I feel like telling the psychologist she has no idea what she is talking about.

We will all have different reactions and ways of coping.

Guess the thing is, we don't always know how to react or how to deal with our reactions!

Great discussion happening here!

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools