Comfort in the sadness?

Hidden · ‎29-07-2016

Hi,
I've been seeing a psychologist recently and although I find it useful I still find it hard to completely open up about howI feel and ask questions openly. It's in my nature to want to know the answer to every question I ask and so I tend to do my research online. However, there' s been one question I've found little information on. Depression has always been something I've battled with - more so in the past few months - and as much as it's consuming and distracting and I want nothing more than for it to disappear, I also find it comforting? Contradicting, I know. When I have good days I feel as if I shouldn't be and it's almost as if I'm waiting for the sadness to just settle back in. I know I should just 'enjoy it whilst it lasts' but It's so incredibly frustrating being in this frame of mind and I don't know if it's normal. When I'm okay i feel as if I've lied to my family and psychologist about how I feel when I'm bad and it makes me feel incredibly guilty, almost as if I faked the whole 'depression side of things (even though when I have bad days I know it can't be normal). I stuck between these two 'sides'. I know I need to get over it and just concentrate on getting better but i just can't. There's so much I don't understand and it consumes so much of my thoughts every second of the day. I feel as if I'm 2 different people fighting each other and accusing the other of being a liar. I don't know what to do anymore. It scares me that I feel comfort in my depression.

I apologise if what I'm trying to say isn't clear, putting my feelings into words isn't my specialty. Hopefully someone will help me understand why I feel the way I do?

Thank you.

Guest_3072 · ‎31-07-2016

Hi there! After reading your post, I am wondering if maybe you feel comfort in the label "depression"? Maybe its comforting to have a diagnosis in a way that identifies why you feel the way you do and in that sense, you backtrack and are always 'keen' if that's the right word, to feeling sad and down again because it's the label that you have been given and in a way, it's kind of the 'predictable' outcome of how your mind will think about things. I always think it's a good idea to challenge the thoughts that you have. For example, my counsellor told me that whenever I start to assume things about how other people might be perceiving me, to just stop and think "Gabby, where is the evidence for that", meaning that if there's no real evidence to back up my thoughts and I'm just assuming things, then my thought is just a thought and not an actual fact. I hope I've helped you in some way x

Hidden · ‎31-07-2016

Hi!
I definitely wouldn't disagree with you there. I suppose I've just handed myself over to the label and consequently feel worse.
I like the idea of challenging my thoughts though, I'll give it a go. Thank you very much x

white knight · ‎31-07-2016

Hi hidden, welcome.

Deep sadness and a feeling of security can be from a number of things. For me a correct diagnosis came in 2009 at 53yo, so many years suffering this and not knowing.

For me it was dysthymia a low constant mood depression. It is responsible for my sad poetry, only possible while in that solitary place, that only I can go.

But I also have depression and bipolar 2. So it gets somewhat complicated. You'll have your own diagnosis but I'd suggest that often we have crossover Illness's, bits of this or that. I'm not a professional just relaying some of my own thoughts.

Since I've started anti depressants my poetry has dried up. For me it means the meds are working well.

So keep pursuing your goal of improving your mental state.

Tony WK