I Don't Know

[Neil_1]

Dear all

Thanx for your posts.

I don’t know at all – I think it can be a fine line as well – with so many things. 

Whether you’re here or you’re not.  Whether it’s sunshine, whether it’s cloudy or whether it’s just a miserable cold foggy morning.

You leave you animals and dog at home and off you go to work.  You spend whatever hours you have to at that place.  Then you head back to your “home”. 

Where you live.  Where the food is, where the plates are.  The dishes, the ever constant dishes that just build up – almost like magic.  How can there be that many dirty dishes in one day? The TV’s are there, the computer is there.  The clothes are there – we have to be here.  We have to.

We have heaters to keep us warm in winter.

Our bodies are all different – everyone is different.  Just look at your fingerprints to reveal that.

Some of us like tea, some like coffee, some like water – some like spicy food – some enjoy jazz music, others enjoy western or heavy metal.

With every choice in your life, you are creating a path – a path that you have to travel on.

So I guess when you don’t want to exist, you just don’t make any decisions.  Therefore, does the path stop?   Or do you stop?    I think the path is always there – and maybe you are on a travelator, that moves you along. 

Just while you sit with your head in your hands – but what are you contemplating?

I don’t know.

Neil

ps:   my DOG days are counting up - and you know, I somehow feel better for doing that - my stomach was just getting way out of control - I had to do something.  Maybe it's not drinking that is causing me to be so terribly down.  I don't know.  I don't think so.  I think it's other things.

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[Mares73]

My special friend, did you get a long post from me under your other thread on this forum-think it was called "Advice needed" but I now can't find it & have message from moderators so plus let me know? Essentially I was saying I know your in a dark place right now, functioning on autopilot. It's the "existing" rather than "living" feeling where we feel empty at the core & so helpless & frustrated. You are dealing with so much although you play down your own struggles. I know your grieving, I know your frustrated & pent up with feelings you can't escape in the way you usually do-through your physical energy & routine of gym sessions. Right now your life is our of sync with how you'd usually experience it. As you say to me-pls try not to think ahead. Yes the damn black dog is just keeping you functioning rather than experiencing a whole spectrum of things. Maybe wkend you need to stop the fight, accept yes I'm in a place I know so well & I hate it so I'm going to do as little as possible. Then next Fri when it's hol time I know once your on the plane (forgot where?) you will be in recovery mode as you'll be out & about in a different environment. I know how strong you are Neil. You've been in this dark tunnel of vision before & you know you will come through. I believe in you, truly madly deeply. Your incredible -strong, courageous, & so very inspirational to so many people. As GA said we will have to do shifts to cover anywhere need the support & replies you provide. Hold on Neil-its going to change scenery soon. Hope you got my long post in other msg. Love to you, Mares xx

[gmc]

Hello Neil

Well, there is a moment when I think it's a bit hilarious what I write, then I am still thinking about creating a new thread. I guess I'll jut have to find the right time to feel like I really want to post it. Not that I'm a nihilist, but yet I hope I find a way not to harm others' recovery :).

Do come back here when you're feeling you're not ok. We'll be here.

Would it be helpful to associate your relapse with a rough plan in steps of what to do when you feel bad?

[Neil_1]

Dear Maresy

The other post that we were writing on, has been moved by BB to the friends/family site - and yep, I did see your wonderful post and commented to it - that you provided some great advice, that I'd simply forgotten about.  🙂

Dear GMC

Thank you also for coming here and posting to me - everyone who does this just blows me away - for their kindness and caring natures - so thank you.

You know, I'm a big one for writing stuff down - especially yes, when I'm not in a good way - and I kind of document it as well.  But as for steps, I've never actually done that, I think.  That might be something to pursue, so thank you for that.

Now I'm gonna have to ask you - what exactly is a "nihilist"?  🙂

Neil

[gmc]

Hello Neil,

According to nihilism, there is no objecting meaning in life, purpose or truth, no supreme creator, there are no the objective truth morals.

[Neil_1]

Hi gmc

I'm intrigued now - I will go and investigate this "nihilism".  And it's a pretty cool word as well.

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

If youwere Interested in nihilism, I recommend a tv show called True Detective. It is well produced, well acted and Incredibly well written. it is also thought provoking. It seems like a cop drama, set in Louisiana but the sub text and attitude of one of the main characters, Rus. It is has all sorts of the mytbology of the yellow king, carcosa.

Very interesting and enjoyable.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

I've seen it listed on Fox before, but keep flicking past it.

I'm now "Dexter-less" as I've watched every season now and have no real series to watch.

I haven't seen one episode of Game Of Thrones either, which apparently is the biggie all over the world.

But True Detective - I might be able to pick up some seasons of it, over in Canada for el cheapo prices and bring it back with me.

Thanx for this suggestion.

Neil

[gmc]

Hello,

I've watched the entire True Detective. I didn't like the idea of the woman, in general, in the show. But the rest is ok, even if I had a relapse after the first four episodes.

The best relationship between the characters, for me, was in Hannibal. Even if I had a lot to think of after it. In fact, after watching Hannibal, I stopped watching over and over TV series, as I saw myself trapped in other fictions, being so hard to go back into my own life.

[Neil_1]

Hi gmc

I do think that people can really get caught up in these kinds of shows – and be it good or bad, but I think that they can have an effect on the person.

Neil

[Mares73]

My dear Neil you are in my thoughts everyday. When & where are you going on holiday? I know your still having a challenging time with the black dog & you are the last person who needs this. Have you managed to go to work? That must be so hard right now. You are the pillar of wisdom so I'm lost for words except to say that dawn dog won't hang around much longer. You are too strong a person to be beaten down. I feel so much for you. Sending my love & hugs & will try come up with a decent msg soon. Just getting through on autopilot takes so much work. But Neil you will feel more than mere existence & emptiness soon. I believe in you totally. Love Maresy xxx