I Don't Know

[Neil_1]

Dear all

Thanx for your posts.

I don’t know at all – I think it can be a fine line as well – with so many things. 

Whether you’re here or you’re not.  Whether it’s sunshine, whether it’s cloudy or whether it’s just a miserable cold foggy morning.

You leave you animals and dog at home and off you go to work.  You spend whatever hours you have to at that place.  Then you head back to your “home”. 

Where you live.  Where the food is, where the plates are.  The dishes, the ever constant dishes that just build up – almost like magic.  How can there be that many dirty dishes in one day? The TV’s are there, the computer is there.  The clothes are there – we have to be here.  We have to.

We have heaters to keep us warm in winter.

Our bodies are all different – everyone is different.  Just look at your fingerprints to reveal that.

Some of us like tea, some like coffee, some like water – some like spicy food – some enjoy jazz music, others enjoy western or heavy metal.

With every choice in your life, you are creating a path – a path that you have to travel on.

So I guess when you don’t want to exist, you just don’t make any decisions.  Therefore, does the path stop?   Or do you stop?    I think the path is always there – and maybe you are on a travelator, that moves you along. 

Just while you sit with your head in your hands – but what are you contemplating?

I don’t know.

Neil

ps:   my DOG days are counting up - and you know, I somehow feel better for doing that - my stomach was just getting way out of control - I had to do something.  Maybe it's not drinking that is causing me to be so terribly down.  I don't know.  I don't think so.  I think it's other things.

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[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

What happens when we decide we don't want to live anymore?

There is a travellator, parallel with the path which you step on to and watch as all the decisions, all the possible branches of our life pass by. You can't make decisions from the travellator, it just keeps shunting you forward while opportunities pass by. Some times you can make a decision, and you step onto the path,, before stepping off again.  

That travellator is powered by the pumping of our hearts, the drum inside our chests and it doesn't stop. It only ends one of two ways. One - you step on the path, then off then on until you feel comfortable again making decisions and walking the path under your own power. Or two - you make the travellator stop. 

Even if you get back on the path, even if you can't see the travellator or don't want to step back on again,  you can always hear the hum of the travellator. It's always there, the last option to take after which there are no more options. 

But just because you can hear it, doesn't mean you have to step on. You can look over, acknowledge that its there and keep walking. 

"Keep living until you feel alive again."  Call the Midwife

Thinking of you, 

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear all  

Sorry all for creating this thread. 

My mind is a jumble and I thought I’d just write and see what was going on ‘upstairs’.  Quite confused, I think you’ll agree.  

I have a beautiful family, home, animals/pets (more so part of our family), car, job, hmmm some friends, and other things. 

I used to go to the gym, but I can’t at the moment.  

 I recognise all my signs. 

So yesterday, I did a little around the home to help tidy and clean up – but also took time out to lie down for a while – then caught some tv, played with our dog – did a little computer – watched a little footy.  Tried for a little music, but couldn’t get into it – likewise, I love reading, but yesterday or even at this moment in time, is not good for reading.  

 So it’s weird – that so many of the mechanisms I suggest towards others, I do know of and I do try them for myself, when I can – but alas, at the moment, my eyes are just so heavy.  So very heavy.  

At least I have my Doc appointment on Tuesday.  

Thanx everyone for listening/reading.  

Neil

[Mares73]

Neil my special friend, I cried reading your post. I can feel your pain. You are in a dark place within yourself & you describe life & it's varied effects on you & all of us so well.. And i believe there is a difference between living a fulfilling life & merely existing by going through daily motions on autopilot with a feeling inner despair. I want to live-living is feeling, experiencing various things, having ups & downs but knowing at the core there is a place in yourself that feels alive-wants to enjoy life, wants to feel more than emptiness.  So firstly you need to remind yourself your not feeling like "Neil" right now. You are hurting. You are feeling & thinking of things through the dark glass. You feel helpless, frustrated. It's so hard but you need to be reminded youve been in this place before & you will pull through. In the meantime would it help to take a few sick days? Also Neil I think your injuries & the fact your normal gym schedule hasn't been possible would be impacting heavily on you as your training is also a physical release & to have your main hobby & I know it's much more than a hobby-taken away would affect you very much mentally & physically. Not having have your usual routine & outlet is a big factor. Neil can you think of anything else you'd usually do or enjoy to help distract your thoughts? You are one of the most amazing person ive ever known.You wouldn't believe the care, affection, respect & regard that I have for you. Your in my thoughts & heart. I'd do anything to help you Neil,. Love Mares xx (

[Stuck14]

Neil, I'm so sorry that you are struggling so much at the moment. Just wanted to let you know your in my thoughts an I hope you start feeling better really soon.

Big hugs

[geoff]

dear Neil, my friend, which at the present time is not helping you one bit, because you are in one hell of a mess, and having more than a relapse, but on a path back to depression, so to answer your question, this path will always continue, as it's dragging you back into a melancholy state, but it's deeper than this, because you are accepting this path and it's has the ability to suck you back in, so neither stop.

Personally I don't like going away, because as soon as I do I just want to get back home, so I get homesick, always have and probably always will.

I miss my own surroundings and maybe this is because it's safe and secure, I know where I stand, what to do and go where I want to go.

I can see this in you, because you don't want to leave the closeness of being near your family who have unfortunately passed away, as you are still grieving so much for their love that you all had together.

I do tend to believe myself that your DOG days are putting an extra strain on you, because when you aren't drinking then all your concerns are taken up 2 or 3 notches, as you do have a great deal to cope with.

I'm not suggesting that you start again because that's up to you, but I do know the benefits of being able to drink, especially when you suffering so much.

When I sit down typing this to you, there is much more than you have discussed, because all those awful or perhaps pleasant memories, which ever way you look at it, are still reminding you of past times, and that you feel so guilty of what happened.

I could talk to you for hours, which would be really nice, but there is no way I could convince you to believe in what has happened, I wish I could, I really wish that I could help, but there is one way and that is to believe that I am your rock, size 14 shoes and all.

I wish that by having real friends here, and especially me would provide some solace for the way you feel, but I know that everytime you go on holidays your mood changes.

I really appreciate what you have told us, and as soon as I push reply there will be countless people supporting you, so sometimes not even support can make your situation any better, because that can only be found on your path for survival.

Take care mate. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Dear all,

Guess what?     I’m still here.  🙂    I’ll continue to be – oh, until we jet out on Friday week that is.

I was umming and ahhing about whether to push send on the creating and sending of this actual thread.   But thought, no bugga it, I should.  I mean, I put in here to write to others and it makes me feel “good inside” knowing that despite this massive illness that affects me, I’m still able to (for the most part – see para below) produce words to other people that can hopefully help them.  I feel good about that and you know, without having this illness, well, I wouldn’t be here and wouldn’t have made so many amazing contacts – well, not actual contacts, but you know what I mean.  As my psyche says to me, “it’s a wonderful feeling I get that I feel like I’m contributing”.

I also hope that there’s two or three lovely people who I believe I wrote to on Sunday – responding to their initial posts – and I really don’t think I made a lot of sense.   Stone cold sober I was, but my mind was all over the shop – I was trying to put words to them in a caring and supportive fashion.  I sure hoped it came out that way.

So if anyone is reading this who received a post from me on Sunday and thought – “Wow, that’s some wacky advice”, maybe you now know why.  So, um, yeah, sorry about that.

I know what you’re saying Geoff about the home-sick feeling – just even leaving our animals and all the safety of our home.  BUT I’ll have my loves of my life with me (and my hankies).  We also met up with the lovely couple who’ll be staying at our home yesterday and will be looking after our home.  Our dog Jack fell head over heels with the female of the couple, as she pretty much constantly patted him and gave him little scratches behind his ears.  They’ll get on so well together.  🙂

Maresy, your post hit home right on the button.  Oh boy, to be able to take some sick days would be, yes, that would help – I know it would – but I don’t have any available – and to do that, would mean, no pay – and we do have this rather large holiday happening just around the corner, so I’ve just gotta battle at the moment.   And to feel more than emptiness – just another line from you – but your post was beautiful.  You captured the essence of how I am perfectly.

Neil

[gmc]

Dear Neil 🙂

I am in a dilemma on writing my psiholophy (which is actually non-harming and I am thinking that could be helpful to others) and having another panic attack waiting to have my comment edited and/or actually having it editied - and writing only that I know you know you are very aware of yourself and about what you are going through. And about what to do. And that is something good to know for us all about ourselves.

I just hope you're feeling better.

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

Wow, thank you so much for coming here and replying to my thread.  That means an awful lot to me - as it does to "anyone" who responds to my threads.  I can't express how much that really DOES mean to me.

Your philosophy piece sounds very interesting - is it a new thread that you are creating or are you adding it to the other thread you've already got going?

Again, that was very kind of you to write and again, "thank you".

Neil

[fifi]

Hello Neil ,

I have been a little off myself of late and have only just come across your thread . I do hope that things improve for you . And thank you for posting . Without even realizing it your post has given strength to so many of us . The way i look at it is whatever we post on here weather it be positive negative or a little bit of both might be the one thing that snaps others  out of our downward spiral , make us feel like we are not alone in this journey and also and as it has for me given me strength to let out all the pent up hurt and rage that i have held on to for much of my life . Thats gotta be a good thing right ?? hahah well i dont know so much but my chest feels a little less tight today . I would also like to thank you for just being you and also for all you do within the group 🙂 have a great day 🙂 hard not to its FRIDAY !!!!! 

Hope to hear from you soon mate 🙂