roller coaster

[HelenM]

I've been having episodes of depression for 12 years now. As the years have gone on it's become milder. This one started in January after a year's break. It's a roller coaster and not the way I usually experience my depressions. So please could someone tell me if this makes sense. Bad days, copeable days, days of fear, sometimes great days. All these moods come any time, lasting anything from a day to a week. Nearly always for no particular reason. The depression is no deeper and these moods are so random I don't know where I am.

[vip]

Hi Helen join the club my life is the same Im still wondering why am I even still here after my suicide attempt ??? I went to a party yesterday ans saw a little boy in a wheel chair and his mother had 3 kids what gave her the strength that I don't have ????  Only strength I have was to fight back to walk again to be there for my son mentally im all over the place too what will the medication do like my psych told me mask the pain turn me numb make me sleep ridiculous hours . My personality everything is all over the place im still able to function but only funny thing out of this I think im totally unique and weird maybe you are too  haha embrace who you are love we are special unique people . Religion well im not that religious but there must be a god otherwise I would not be here and maybe god wants us to be like this so we can share our experiences with others you and me we are the same don't feel alone or strange totally normal well normal for us you know what I mean I get you I understand you im right with you ok .   Take care

[Neil_1]

Dear Helen

Welcome to Beyond Blue and welcome also to the misery that a depressive illness can have upon you.  I also would like to say, “Well done” to you on coming here and providing your post.

Oh, and that first sentence, I hope was not too much of an initial downer – it was more to say, yes, what you’ve described has nailed certain aspects that a fellow sufferer of a mental illness can go through.

May I ask throughout your 12 years – and possibly more so at this current point in time (or in the last couple of months), what mechanisms have you got in place to assist you with this illness?  (eg:   GP or psych appointments?  Possible meds that you might be on?   Any other coping methods that you may use from time to time?)

You asked whether it makes sense, what you described?  Yes yes, absolutely.

Someone even as nearby as yesterday mentioned the life of living with depression as being a rollercoaster – and then we burst (well, not literally, but I came to the fore with some of Ronan Keating’s song:  Life is a roller coaster, you’ve just got to ride it).

But as for the mood swings from bad to good – I really don’t quite know – but I am hopeful for people who do experience these swings into “good times” that it could be, it just could be them coming out of their horrible black tunnel and be it for a brief time, that they come out into sunshine and experience some happiness.  With these instances, it would be great to monitor these people to see if in weeks/months ahead that they find their depression lessening, and their experiences of sunshine and happiness is expanding?  That would be a really interesting and exciting survey to conduct.

Thanx again Helen for coming here and I really hope that you can come back and post again.

Neil

Ps:  dear vip – I think you are here because of your parents.  Unless god … um no, let’s not go there.  🙂

[HelenM]

Thanks Neil,

I'm glad what I'm saying makes sense. My husband has told me that my depression is a bit milder than a few months ago. It's hard when you're in it to know. Also people assure me that as I've come out of each episode so far I'll come out of this one.

I do have a number of coping strategies that I've developed over the years. Well no. 1 for me is keeping occupied. I had to give up paid work but I help in a charity shop and that distracts me. I take medication, beta blockers, anti depressants and a mood stabiliser. I've been told that I don't have bi polar and I don't think I fit into that category.I see my doctor monthly - he's very good. I was going to the gym but have hurt my knee. hopefully I'll get back. I think that it's the feeling that I'm doing something to help myself that does me good at the gym. I've just joined a reading group and I go to a knitting and crochet group - Crafty hookers - clever name really. I have a caring husband and good friends. 

I remember many years ago a support worker told me, you don't recover from depression, you learn to cope with it. I think there is some truth in that. A lot of symptoms don't scare me as much now as I understand them more.

Thanks for your help, Debs

[HelenM]

Hi vip

Thanks for answering. I think it's good to be able to talk to people in the same boat. So vip, do you take medication. I don't know where I'd be without it. I'm sorry you had a suicide attempt. Was that long ago.My experience of that was many years ago but I remember the awfulness of it. Depression is certainly a burden. I'd just love a bit of peace.

Hope to hear from you again.

[MrsCam]

Hi Helen

I can totally relate to the whole, good day, ok day, bad, day, really bad day & great day thing... its like being on a roller coaster/ merry go round... up & down and round in circles, with little to no clue of which way you will be going next... can be frustrating and exhausting.... 

have no real advice to offer but just wanted to say you are definately not alone

[HelenM]

Thanks MrsCam for replying. I think it helps knowing that other people experience this. Despite lots of episodes of depression this is the first time it's presented itself in this way. Also my depressions don't usually last more than 2 or 3 months (apart from the monsters in the early days). Have you found this can go on for a while. 

Thanks 

Helen

[MrsCam]

the whole roller coaster merry go round thing is all a bit new to me... for 15 odd years as long as I took my 1 tablet every day I would just kind of cruise along nicely, it has only been in the past 12 months I have experienced this change

[geoff]

dear Helen, can I put your situation into a simple way to explain and to understand.

When we have depression we ' kind of cruise along', but not in a pleasant way, just a way that we try and cope with our own illness, but then all of a sudden it's night time and dark so we can't see our way so we step into a hole, why well sometimes we don't know why, but then we are struggling to get out, and we may try for weeks or months, but then we do, so on we go, and then a hill comes up, so we climb it thinking great I'm on a high now, but suddenly we fall back down.

Climbing the hill we can get a boost by extra medication which helps us greatly, but then sometimes it's not enough to keep us going, so then we need much more help to assist us.

So what do we then have here, well your mind is trying so hard to come to grips with your depression, but this animal will fight to the very last minute it can, trying to pull you back into it's arms of evil.

Imagine yourself trying to pull an enormous truck to break a record, can you pull it forward, feel as though you can't do it, or do you give up even before you try, and I'm not saying at all that you have given up, it's just an analogy.

We have to psych up our minds on ways of how to tackle this problem, expecting that it's going to happen again, and what sort of plans do we have to avoid it.

It's not as easy as I have said to be able to do this, but perhaps something we can plan on how to cope when it does happen.

Please keep us in contact with yourself. L Geoff. x

[HelenM]

Thanks Geoff for your reply. In fact all replies are helpful as they make me feel like I matter. Your analogy is good and I do try. Perhaps that's one of my frustrations - I think 'what the hell else can I do. I've stopped the gym for now because of my knee but I continue with my activities.

My problem Geoff, is that I always think I'll never come out of it this time. Over the years the depressions become a lot lighter although it still ruins my life. I am assured by my gp, husband, close friend that I will but my mind won't accept it. So I make my mood much worse by the awful feeling that I'm stuck for life. My meds work for me. There's one increment left on my ADs. I also take a mood stabiliser and beta blockers. My gp believes I don't need an increase in ADs - I think it's because the depression isn't deep. I'm seeing him next week and will mention it.

I really do appreciate everyones help. Although I have family and friends to support me I really need people who've been there and know they'll go there again.

Thanks, Helen