Homeless and hopeless

Louise__

I have no idea what to do. The journey is too long to write it all and the crux of it is that I’ve lost all of my family and friends, my relationship, and my home, I have no money, and I don’t know what to do.

I got a hotel for tonight instead of sleeping in my car, but I haven’t been able to leave the bed since I checked in. I can’t eat, and every time I sleep I wake up with electric bolts of anxiety through my body. I feel sick constantly.

i feel like a weak human who isn’t able to find my place in the world. I don’t even understand who I am. I’m a 30 year old woman, I moved to Australia from the UK for a better life. How I was treated as a kid means there’s so many layers and I’ve felt empty my entire life.

I found someone and fell in love and I ruined it. I hate feeling sorry for myself and I hate that I cannot physically move from this bed. I hate that I’ve hurt people around me by trying to do what I thought was right, because I’m always wrong.

am I stupid, or just so messed up from childhood that I’ll never be able to function as a normal human being? Why do I never feel good enough? And why don’t I look after myself and my body when I feel low? I’m fully aware that not eating for days or moving my body, or doing anything at all is so unhealthy for me and my body feels like it’s deteriorating. But I’m stuck in this paralysis where I can’t make any decisions or look after myself. The heaviness of everything is too much.

I just want to feel better. I just want to know what my next step is when I wake up tomorrow and find myself back in my car with nowhere to go and no one to talk to.

In terms of health: I’m losing my sight. next week I’ll find out the results of my brain MRI. Maybe it’ll be nothing, or maybe it’ll be a tumour, or MS. I have nerve degeneration behind my eyes and I’ve lost 6% of my vision. I’m worried, but worse, I’m going to be going alone.

I'm in so much emotional pain and feel like I’m completely frozen and not able to make decisions. I can go and find a house share, I work part time so I can afford a room somewhere. But I have no idea on the location and I’m scared of starting again. I just want life to be easy. I want to be loved and feel connection and not constantly feel so alone.

Croix

Dear Louise_~

Welcome here to the forum a place where you are not entirely alone, even if it is only other people using text on the screen.

If I understand correctly you are holding down a part time job, a pretty large effort, as was contacting here. That's better than I could do when I was stuck in bed with no physical or mental reason to leave it. Nothing seemed worthwhile to me and I'd only make things worse anyway. No direction.

One of the troubles that sneaks up on you is by remaining in bed and not eating or getting up your physical ability to do so gets less, as did my motivation. Without someone else to get me out I'd not be here talking to you today.

Your thoughts, like mine, seemed to think everything was hopeless, I'd been the one responsible for everything going wrong and they were due to faults in myself. I had no crystal ball to see the future and how things could improve -neither do you.

With deteriorated eyesight and weakness, not able to get out of bed, consider calling an ambulance. The chances are you will be taken ot ED and properly examined, maybe encouraged to eat and helped to move around. Make sure if the do this they secure your belongings from the room.

You might not think an ambulance appropriate, however it would be a change and maybe even assist, particularly if the hospital has a welfare worker, or if they want to keep you for a day or two (that helps with a doctor's certificate for work).

I found it so easy to blame myself for everything, from work performance to relationship going wrong. In fact I could find no way out a the time.

You sound much the same with family and the one you loved.

It was only later I found these were not my thoughts, but ones put there by depression, and as I was treated I came to see I was wrong. Please don't think I'm saying that is what is happening to you, it could be, then again it could be something physical, another reason to get into ED and get checked out.

You mentioned your childhood and seemed to be saying it was harsh. What happens to a child can really injure them, leave them finding life, jobs and relationships very difficult and sways decision making. It takes skilled assistance to stop it interfering with the rest of one's life. You may not be able to afford that right now, something to aim for.

I've not tried in this post to fix all the problems life has thrown at you, just made one suggestion that you might not otherwise have thought of, and also tried ot reassure you that you can do more and think more clearly and hopefully.

If that is unacceptable talk to Lifeline (ph 13 11 14), who are surprisingly flexible what they will talk about -at least it would be a human voice.

I hope to hear from you again, I'm worried about you

Croix

Croix

Dear Louise_~

I'm just popping in to see how thngs are going, if you felt like letting us know that would be great

Croix

Louise__

Hi Croix,

Thank you for responding to my post. I appreciate your suggestions and just feel less alone knowing that someone read what I was dealing with.

you’ll be pleased to hear that I managed to get out of bed. I managed to eat, and I showered.

Over the past two weeks I’ve tried to mend my relationship. I’ve started going to the gym again, and tried to eat more consistently. Im not gaining weight, but fortunately I’m not losing it either.

I found a room, but my partner agreed to let me stay in the spare room to try to work on things. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to fix things between us and I have until Friday to find somewhere new.

My MRI came back without a tumour or more intense nerve damage. Instead the cause of the nerve damage is unknown, likely hereditary, so that was really good news.

I'm grieving the loss of my relationship, and don’t have a support system. I don’t sleep very well at all and feel anxiety most of the time. I have no idea what my next step is after Friday. I’m heartbroken and really crave human connection. I’m just so so tired of everything. I want a peaceful and easy life. Living in the house owned by my ex, knowing that I’m completely in love with her, and that me being here is hurting her, kills me. I feel unwanted and unworthy. I wish I had a more optimistic response for you. I’m not depressed, just exhausted.

Louise__

I’ve posted here once before, a few weeks ago, when I couldn’t physically move from the bed. What I feel right now isn’t depression, I don’t want to end my life, I just don’t know why I’m here anymore.

I’ve destroyed the only two relationships in my life. The one with my sister, and the one with my partner, and it’s been because of my inability to be fierce and certain. That probably makes no sense, but I always beat around the bush and try to put buffers in place to protect people’s feelings and it sends mixed signals. Because of that need to people please and protect everyone’s feelings in some capacity, I’ve not been a strong and stable person for anyone.

I don’t have any friends or family so there’s nobody I can talk about this with, and the two people on my life that I cared most about (who have never met or had a conversation) both have completely different views. And I now don’t have a relationship with either of them. Im exhausted and so alone.

There are so many layers to this story and I don’t have the words or mental capacity to give context, and I’d be embarrassed to overshare. But I feel like I’m standing at the edge of oblivion and I no longer have control over whether or not I’m going to fall.

Im scared of the sun going down, because that means I’m a day closer to losing everything. I have to be out of my partner’s house by Friday and I have no idea what my next step is. I’m terrified and alone and I don’t want to get consumed by grief of loss and paralysed because I don’t have a purpose.

I’m watching the sunset over the water. It’s beautiful, there are people

constantly going past with their partners or dogs or kids. Everyone is in their own world. I’m looking at the most beautiful views and yet I can’t actually feel the beauty. I need to be okay, but I don’t know if I ever will be. I need help.

Louise__

The sun has gone down, and although it’s only 5.30, it’s dark, which means it’s nighttime.

I feel so filled with fear and anxiety. I know I won’t sleep, but I’d rather it stayed dark forever and tomorrow didn’t come. Because in 12 hours I’ll be getting out of bed for Monday morning and feeling more lost than ever.

I'm completely terrified by new days now. It’s become a phobia. I don’t want time to move forward anymore. I don’t want to be a day closer to the thing that scares me. I don’t want any of this anymore.

if time just froze then I wouldn’t have to make any decisions. I won’t have to face the fact that things will change. I’m feel like I’m running out of time! I’m just wasting my life away and every day I feel like this is another day I’ll never get back

Psychdiaries2

Hi there,

Thanks for reaching out to our community in this tough time you're going through today. I see that you're running on fear and anxiety but I wanted to ask what exactly it is that is causing you this terror? Is it something in your life that you're experiencing or have experienced in the past that is causing you to fear what is to come next?

It's true, if time stood still we wouldn't have to do anything like making hard decisions. I guess the question to ask yourself here is whether you're living your life to the fullest and think of what you could be doing to achieve that. Do you have people in your life that give you meaning? Do you have interests and things you enjoy that could give your life some fulfilment?

I hope this prompts you to reflect and I hope you'll be able to face the next day with some contentment peace. Reach out anytime on here, we're here for you.

Take care,

PsychDiaries

Croix

Dear Louise~

Ive just answered you in your original Discussion:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/homeless-and-hopeless/m-p/623206#M57323

Croix

Croix

@Psychdiaries2

Dear Louise~

I've just answered you in your original Discussion:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/homeless-and-hopeless/m-p/623206#M57323

Croix

Croix

Dear Louise~

I'm very glad you came back and from what you said looking at the sunset and seeing there are other worlds, something you can have. The news of the MRI is great and I hope you are able to see well enough for everything you need.

Yes you have done a lot since we last spoke, getting out of bed was a big move, as was washing and dressing, now going to the gym and taking time to reflect by the sea. You found a room, have a breathing space and now you main worry looks like time is marching on, which it does and that can be frightening, particularly if you have no confidence you can cope (something I disagree about).

Being frightened and having no confidence in your self can make a person freeze and do little, however you are not that person, the above shows that. You have your job and that can be the key that lets you do more, rent, petrol and the other necessities.

You have said your ex and your sister are the two people you care about and relationships have broken down, which you imply is your fault, partly by trying to please each. There is always a temptation to please others, it can be a good thing at times. I think you don't do it just to please, but from care. You feel bad that you are hurting your ex by staying, you have empathy and think of the welfare of others.

If I might ask does your sister know your current circumstances? That might make the difference in rebuilding your relationship if that is what you'd like.

If you summoned up the courage and energy to get out of bed I realy think you have enough strenght to be able to make up a 5-day-plan tomorrow, allotting a task or tasks to each day so that when Friday comes around you will have more sorted out.

As part of that I would strongly suggest you seek medical advice as you may not think you are depressed, just exhausted and blaming yourself for everything, however a professional opinion would do no harm, particularly with that eyesight problem to worry you as well.

You are right you do need help, help to cope with your circumstances, help with your feelings of helplessness. I would strongly suggest you reach out, before I mentioned a couple of places, however perhaps the best might be to talk with our friendly councilors on 1300 224 636 who may be able to give you comfort and advice. They are available 24/7 and the waiting times are not long.

I have read your other two posts but nearly missed them, as they were in fresh Discussions. If you wanted to talk more -and I hope you do, then talking hear on this Discussion will make it easier for me and others to know.

Croix