Dear Louise_~
Welcome here to the forum a place where you are not entirely alone, even if it is only other people using text on the screen.
If I understand correctly you are holding down a part time job, a pretty large effort, as was contacting here. That's better than I could do when I was stuck in bed with no physical or mental reason to leave it. Nothing seemed worthwhile to me and I'd only make things worse anyway. No direction.
One of the troubles that sneaks up on you is by remaining in bed and not eating or getting up your physical ability to do so gets less, as did my motivation. Without someone else to get me out I'd not be here talking to you today.
Your thoughts, like mine, seemed to think everything was hopeless, I'd been the one responsible for everything going wrong and they were due to faults in myself. I had no crystal ball to see the future and how things could improve -neither do you.
With deteriorated eyesight and weakness, not able to get out of bed, consider calling an ambulance. The chances are you will be taken ot ED and properly examined, maybe encouraged to eat and helped to move around. Make sure if the do this they secure your belongings from the room.
You might not think an ambulance appropriate, however it would be a change and maybe even assist, particularly if the hospital has a welfare worker, or if they want to keep you for a day or two (that helps with a doctor's certificate for work).
I found it so easy to blame myself for everything, from work performance to relationship going wrong. In fact I could find no way out a the time.
You sound much the same with family and the one you loved.
It was only later I found these were not my thoughts, but ones put there by depression, and as I was treated I came to see I was wrong. Please don't think I'm saying that is what is happening to you, it could be, then again it could be something physical, another reason to get into ED and get checked out.
You mentioned your childhood and seemed to be saying it was harsh. What happens to a child can really injure them, leave them finding life, jobs and relationships very difficult and sways decision making. It takes skilled assistance to stop it interfering with the rest of one's life. You may not be able to afford that right now, something to aim for.
I've not tried in this post to fix all the problems life has thrown at you, just made one suggestion that you might not otherwise have thought of, and also tried ot reassure you that you can do more and think more clearly and hopefully.
If that is unacceptable talk to Lifeline (ph 13 11 14), who are surprisingly flexible what they will talk about -at least it would be a human voice.
I hope to hear from you again, I'm worried about you
Croix
