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High Functioning Depression
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First time doing this because I’m kind of desperate. I don’t know for what.. connection, maybe? I had no idea what I was going through and now I feel even lonelier. I’m 24 and work two jobs that I love, I’m studying what I love to do, and I was (until recently) extremely happy and positive. I work 6 days a week and I am now struggling to wake up, no matter how much sleep I get. I’m not ready to go to sleep at night because I don’t want to commit to the next day, even though I know I will enjoy going to work. I wake up with so much dread that I often just cry before I even sit up in my bed.
I have a horrible feeling that I am wasting my life away, and spent the last Sunday of summer (my one day off a week) literally wasting away in my bed. Even though all I could think about was going to the beach, until it became too late to do so. It causes me a lot of anxiety. I’ve spent the entire day crying and feeling disgusting.
I used to love life, and I still have the desire to go and do things, but I feel trapped in my head. I do the things I need to do — go to work, make dinner, clean, do shopping, etc. but I am exhausted and have been having frequent breakdowns. I don’t know what to do and I am miserable, even though I have so much to be grateful for and desperately want to love my life again. I don’t understand what is happening to me or how to fix it.
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Hi,
Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.
I am sorry to hear what you are going through at present, this is a good place to start as not everyone can understand the effects of mental illness if they have never experienced it themselves.
I'd like to help you figure out what is happening and why so, if it's okay, I will ask a couple of questions to get a better understanding.
You said you had no idea what you were going through - does this mean you have been diagnosed?
Did something happen around the time you started feeling like this?
Alternatively, did something happen in the past that was not dealt with? (in other words, it was buried and never looked at again)
Traumatic experiences come in all shapes and sizes, so it can sometimes look like something small from the outside, but can have a bigger impact internally.
Please let me know your thoughts and perhaps we can figure this out together.
Take good care of yourself,
indigo
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A very warm welcome to you as you face such a deeply challenging time in your life.
I can't help but wonder about a whole variety of things when it comes to how you're feeling life right now. It would be so much easier, hey, if we were able to get a perfect sense of what it is we're actually feeling (the side effects of). To add to indigo's list of things to wonder about
- Have you possibly reached the point of exhaustion and what you're facing are the side effects of mental and physical exhaustion, side effects that can feel depressing?
- Could you have almost completely exhausted a particular type of chemical energy, such as B12 or iron and that's what you're feeling? Not sure if you've considered blood tests at this point but at least crossing this off the list will help with a process of elimination, when it comes to getting to the bottom of things. From my own experience, a serious B12 deficiency can become a whole variety of levels of debilitating
- Could it be a sleep related thing? While we could be getting a whole stack of sleep, is it good quality sleep or is it the type of sleep that leads us to wake up feeling thoroughly exhausted and stressed (such as with stressful sleep or sleep apnea)?
- Could it be related to good quality food (a healthy energy source)? I'm guilty of consuming a diet of 'empty calories' at times myself. While I could be taking in plenty of calories, they can be empty of any nutrition, vitamins and minerals needed for my body to function at a healthy and energetic level
- Could it be about what's been missing in your life outside of work and school and you haven't felt the side effects of what's missing until now? Could it involve a lack of certain types of people, experiences, adventures, inspiration etc in your life? Could you be spot on when it comes to the feeling you feel, the feeling of wasting your life away? Could it be the intuitive part of you speaking to you? The 'all work and no play' aspect of life can finally lead us to question what it is we're actually doing in life and whether our life is really all that well balanced. Nothing wrong with short term work, work, work (in order to reach a personal or financial goal) but when it starts to become a long term thing there can be a part of us that may finally scream 'YOU NEED TO WAKE UP TO WHAT YOU'RE MISSING!'.
Definitely doesn't make it easy when there are a whole variety of factors in play all at once. We're complex creatures who have the ability to feel something's wrong (through side effects or symptoms). As I say, it would be so much easier if we were expert at picking exactly what is wrong. Until then, all we've got are clues to work with. Always pays to adopt the persona of 'detective' while wondering. Finding people who can detect and wonder with us, professional or otherwise, can also be key to unlocking possibility. Personally, I'm a gal who's not a fan of being left to wonder alone. I find it can become deeply depressing at times. ❤️
