Hi Im New

[RoxyB]

Hi, Im Roxy, 37yr single, lonely female from WA, diagnosed with depression 18 months ago. I have a great job, financially stable, but like others have gone through some trauma in my time from death, to relationships etc.

I suppose an accumulation of things may have led to my depression. I don't like talking about it with people I know, 1. because I'm an introvert and keep things to myself, but 2. mainly because I don't feel like my friends would understand. Yes they would be supportive and helfpul, but they wouldn't understand. I feel like only people who are experiencing similar things to me, may be able to relate and understand, which i why I am giving this forum a go.

I guess the main thing i wanted to get off my chest is how I'm feeling...I feel like every day is a struggle to get out of bed, and I can't wait to get in it. How incredibly hard it is to put one foot in front of every second, of every minute of every hour of every day, let alone find the strength to place the other foot in front of the first one. I operate on autopilot everyday, zombie like, getting from A to B is a blur, Im not present in the moment, the lights are on but nobodys home. Every breath feels so painful. And every breath I try to take in feels like it never even reaches my chest when I inhale. Im afraid of the next day being the same as every other day-pointless, lonely, a waste. I just feel so lost, empty-yet heavy.

When i find something-anything that makes me happy, I grab it, cherish it, nourish it, real on it and depend on it. Which ends up being to my detriment because somehow whatever made me happy-which I needed to feel validated-worth something, always seems to slip away. And I end up in this deep dark hole....

[Sophie_M]

Hi Roxy, 

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken this step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our friendly community. We're so sorry to hear that you're struggling at the moment. The feelings you're describing sound quite overwhelming. Please know that you don't have to sit alone with these feelings. There is help available to you.

Can we ask if you are accessing any kind of mental health support at the moment, or have you in the past? If not, we would suggest that you do seek professional support to help you work through what's happening. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way. Many of our members will understand and may be able to help. Please know that you've come to safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

[uncut_gems]

Hi Roxy,

I want to echo Sophie_M in welcoming you to the forums and expressing how sorry I am to hear that you're going through the depths of a really intense depression. You've definitely come to the right place to be heard and understood.

For whatever comfort it provides, I know exactly that feeling you have described so well; a kind of physical exhaustion combined with exhaustion with the world and a sense of "empty heaviness," as you so eloquently put it.

As Sophie_M said, it sounds like you are really struggling and could use some help. You mention that you received a diagnosis 18 months ago; have you been able to access any care related to it since then? No one should have to go through this alone or without help. We are always here to talk and listen.

Gems

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to beyond blue.

I will tell you a little of my story ... if that helps. All my life I have worked towards achievements not joy. You might wonder what this has to do with you. For the better part of my life (and I am nearly 50) have to kept my problems to myself, not telling anyone. However, once you fill the bucket it overflows - that happened to me a few years ago.

The forum here is a good place to start - we all know (at least in our own stories/live) what you are talking about having a lived experience. And you should also know that here you will not be judged by anyone in the community.

In the real world I would think some of your friends might try to understand? It is not really talked about. I don't talk about myself to too many people these days - the people who know are those who responded with support and compassion. As you might gather, it is not really talked about between friends. At same time I also know that 2 of my neighbours also have issues and I only found out about this when I mentioned to each what I was going through. This is not an invitation to tell everyone - it is just part of my story, where I felt honesty was the best policy.

There are some positives in your post as well. While you write it down as auto-pilot there are things you do each day - like getting out of bed which is actually a positive. It might not seem that way, but this is something I learnt from sessions with my psych.

Can you tell me how you felt getting it off your chest?

Finally, does anyone in your family or relatives know what you are going through?

Please note that I am listening to you and will walk this journey with you.

Tim