I don't know what to do, what I'm good for, or where to from here

[AntiHero]

Hi all,

I hope everyone is ok. I can't get out of my head (please don't recommend meditation - I just can't do it, I've tried and it just doesn't help...)

I have a long history of mental illness and managed to pull myself out of this. I have a corporate career, my own home which I saved for in my 20s (I am 30), a loving partner, loving parents, a small group of friends, and my physical health. I've managed to keep my job during COVID-19 and have stayed safe. Relative to others' circumstances, I'm doing very well and am very lucky. I acknowledge that.

BUT there is something in my head that says I am JUST lucky, and that I don't contribute anything meaningful in my life, that I haven't earned anything and I owe the world, that I am only as good as what I achieve and contribute.

I'm not actually GOOD at anything. Volunteer work? I don't know how to help people, and I'm conscious of having a "savior" complex. Do something meaningful for humanity? I don't know how to do that. Get a career that actually makes the world a better place? I'm not sure I'm so talented. Do art? My creativity is nil. Help Mum out with lunch? No, she prefers my partner helping with that. (Just go watch TV...)

Despite my luck and privilege, I'm not sure I'm actually good at anything. I'm struggling on projects at work, I believe I should be further into my professional and personal development by now, I haven't done anything "good" during COVID-19 like volunteer work...

Long story short. I believe I'm incapable. I'm mediocre. After a childhood of being told I'm smart and going places, I've learned it's a lie; and now, I don't know what to do. If I'm good at nothing, am incapable of helping or doing good, then where do I go from here? Am I going to live the rest of my life distracting myself with trivialities while the people around me actually bring value to the world? (For instance, my partner is a healthcare worker, I have relatives who are chief executives, etc)

Despite all my luck (a roof over my head, food in my belly, and love), I still feel a lump in my throat. I'm good for nothing...

Where to from here?

[Guest_7403]

You sound like you have a strong inner critic, that voice that reinforces all these negative thoughts about yourself.

Because you've always been told you will be something and that you are smart, you have developed an unhealthy schema which triggers in certain scenarios and you subconsciously start to self criticise.

We all have schemas we develop in our life, some healthy some negative.

For people who are resistant to mindfulness, meditation because of the way they think schema therapy can be a very effective tool.

Try googling schema therapy and it will tell you a bit about your schemas your mind uses, how they developed and how to change them

Best of luck

[White_Rose]

Dear AntiHero

Hello. Good to meet you. While I was not told as a child how 'good' or 'clever' I am I do relate to your comments about not being good enough and being undeserving. It is an insidious thought. I found I could dismiss these thoughts once. Perhaps the arrogance of the young. As we get older these thoughts become more insistent and start to colour everything we do until we become a mass of self-doubt lacking motivation for anything.

It is hard to get past this and accept we are ordinary people with our share of frailties and good points. (I'll become perfect later). Accepting ourselves and understanding we are this mixture is incredibly hard and takes a lot of work to achieve. There is so often the lingering thought that we are just fooling ourselves and everyone else. It really hits at our self confidence.

Have you read many of the threads on the forum? I see you have made 10 posts elsewhere. As you browse threads I think you will find mine and your difficulty shared by many. I cannot see that an antidepressant is going to help in this instance. Not unless you have become completely depressed. You will need a mental health practitioner to tell you this.

I wonder if it would help you to see a psychologist. Not because you really are so hopeless but because a therapist may be able to help you see past your belief in your worthlessness. Have you considered this before? You can get a mental health plan from your GP which allows you to see a psychologist at Medicare subsidised fees.

In the meantime can you look at the things you have done successfully? I know you have given a list of those activities you cannot do. Dwelling on what you think you cannot just makes you feel worse. Try to believe those things that have been successful. You said you saved to buy a home. You have a loving wife and parents. Your wife most certainly sees you as a capable and good person. Thinking you are hopeless would have split your marriage a long time ago.

Try to imagine what 100 people in your position would think of themselves. My GP always uses that process and I think it has some value. Thinking honestly or objectively is a great skill to have so how is yours? Start by listing your good points no matter how small or how lucky you were to get this. I'm not sure luck plays a huge role in these matters. It is so often a reflection of ourselves.

Think about seeing a psychologist.

Mary

[AntiHero]

Thank you. I'll have a look. I have gone through CBT in the past. This isn't an acute case of self-worthlessness, but rather a chronic and underlying thinking pattern for me. I've kind of accepted it as it is, so I haven't returned to therapy. I'll have a look at ST all the same.

[AntiHero]

Thank you, Mary. I have posted in the past when I believed I really needed to reach out somehow but wasn't brave enough to return to therapy, mainly out of the belief that I should be more resilient than this; and yes, i have read some of the threads. I'll keep in mind what you've said. I suppose it's a still a journey for me to be on

[Zabi]

"Relative to others' circumstances, I'm doing very well and am very lucky. I acknowledge that.

BUT there is something in my head that says I am JUST lucky, and that I don't contribute anything meaningful in my life, that I haven't earned anything"

I can't offer any support because I'm still struggling with this myself, but I just wanted to say that these sentences in your post really stuck out for me as I feel this constantly. I live a pretty privileged life and hold a lot of negative feelings towards myself because it seems ridiculous that I feel this way when others have it so much worse and can "regulate" themselves better.

Mary makes good points about looking for the good In teaching we call this using our "admiring lens." I've attached an excerpt from a book on this that might give you a chuckle:

"Shawn Achor describes what happens when we focus on what is wrong instead of what is right. He explains how a group of tax auditors at a Fortune 500 company admitted to suffering from depression and family issues. One man confessed that he had spent the past few weeks noticing all of his wife’s mistakes and created a spreadsheet of them so she could perform better in the future. Luckily the man shared this list with Achor before showing it to his wife, and was convinced this would likely not go over well at home.

While it can be easy to laugh at the ridiculousness of this man’s actions, Achor studied why this happened. He realized that the main function of these tax auditors’ jobs was to look for and find mistakes. They literally looked at documents all day long trying to find errors. This created the patterning and habit of looking for mistakes and errors everywhere, not just at work. They could not simply turn this mindset off when the workday ended. As a result, they were miserable at work and at home. Achor taught them to change their habits so they could
change their mindset. Instead of looking for mistakes all day long, they looked for what is correct and then noticed the few times when documents had errors. Rather than thinking, “Mistake, mistake, mistake,” they changed their habits to think, “Correct, correct, correct, and this one is a mistake, correct, correct . . .” By
putting their attention on what was correct, most of the time they were still able to find errors and keep their jobs, but they were much happier employees and people. Achor explains, “Constantly scanning the world for the negative comes with a great cost."

[blondguy]

Hi AntiHero

Great to have you as part of the forums...You are strong and proactive..!

I echo the support that Whiterose....TheBorderline and Zabi have provided above...

I am ex corporate and understand where you are coming from when you mentioned "I really needed to reach out somehow but wasn't brave enough to return to therapy, mainly out of the belief that I should be more resilient than this" You have shown huge strength by posting on the forums....not many people can do it as 70% of the 'hits' to the forums are from people that choose to only read the forums to benefit their mental health which is great!

Only if its okay...Can I ask if you have cried with a doctor? (please disregard otherwise) It took me 10 years to do yet the peace of mind I experienced the next day was wonderful

you are not alone AH

my kind thoughts

Paul

[AntiHero]

Thanks for replying, Zabi. I did have a wry chuckle at that. I suppose it paints a picture of how our mind's can be.

[AntiHero]

Thanks for your reply, Paul. I have cried in my therapist's office in the past (when I used to attend). I suppose I believe that because I have gone to therapy, because I have cried, because I have done the work, I shouldn't be thinking and feeling like this.

I totally acknowledge my privilege, and I know I have it better than most, so why I do I feel so useless?

It strikes me that no matter how much therapy I get, no matter how much I cry, I will always have an underlying belief that I should be doing more and better.

Thank you for your (and everyone's) note, however. It is strangely (and maybe selfishly) comforting knowing that I am not alone in this thinking and feeling.

[White_Rose]

Hello

It is always helpful to know you are not alone in how you think, feel and behave. Misery loves company is the phrase and it's true. We do like to know we are not the only one.

Thanks for the story Zabi. I would have liked to be the fly on the wall if the man had given the spreadsheet to his wife. Hmm. It just shows how we can carry on doing the same old same old until someone points out what's happening.

One comment you made AntiHero, wasn't brave enough to return to therapy, mainly out of the belief that I should be more resilient than this; We should all be more resilient, that's the point. For whatever reason we do not bounce back well, we remember our lack of success and assume others are judging us or ought to judge us. This is why we have the therapy to learn resilience. It's not automatic. I sure we could all discuss how we did not learn certain lessons or were not taught these lessons. It is not an automatic process.

You say you have been lucky in life and it is undeserved. Well flip it the other way. You have been unlucky to not learn or be taught resilience. Not your fault and not necessarily anyone's fault. It just is. Now is the time to learn this lesson. It sounds as though you are saying I am not resilient so I cannot have therapy to learn resilience because I am not resilient. Does that make sense? Hopefully it does in one sense but not in the thought process.

I have been told I am too old to learn to play the piano. Not true. Have you ever heard of neuroplasticity?

Neuroplasticity: The brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment.

And that's why my friend was wrong saying I am too old to learn. You can change your brain pathways. A great book is The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doidge‎. It does work and anyone can do it. How do you feel about returning to a psychologist and working on this? As far as I know the only barrier is someone not really wanting to change. Nothing about courage, just determination to get out of our own way. You can read up on neuroplasticity on the internet, with the usual cautions.

Mary