Hi everyone, I'm back.

[Guest_4643]

Hi everyone, mb20lover here. I wasn't sure where to post this.

It's been a while since I was on the forums, so I just wanted to make a post saying that I'm back. However, I'll try my best to limit my time, comments, etc on here.

I won't bother tagging anyone, and I'll try to keep this as my only open thread that I have created.

I've missed everyone I've spoken to on here, and I hope to talk to some new people. I have been using my offline supports - my Psychiatrist, GP, Parent support of course, and a Social Worker. I'm in the process of finding a Psychologist but I'm having no luck.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and say hello, and also I hope I haven't upset anyone on the forums or anything like that because nothing was intentional, so I deeply apologise.

An update on me, I recently turned 21, can't do much with COVID though, it's a hard year for everyone unfortunately.

I also have a milestone, an achievement, I've been seeing my Psychiatrist for a year which is the longest I've stayed with a therapist. And I also finally have a GP I feel comfortable with. I'm on different meds that seem to be working a little but I still of course have my moments, but these meds I've been on the longest for out of any of the ones I've tried.

Other than that, please don't feel pressured to comment anyone, although it would be nice to connect with some people, old or new, but like I said that's okay. I just wanted to check in.

If you've read this and made it this far, thank you. Stay safe and take care everyone, as much as possible with the unfortunate COVID circumstances.

Thinking of all the Beyond Blue Mods & Users. I've missed everyone.

- mb20lover.

[Jstar49]

Hi Tayla,

How are you going today?

I'm sorry this guy from your past is still causing you so much grief and confusion. When we're young it can be hard to id what makes a good relationship, and what is not helpful to us. When we're older it's hard too!

As Mark has said, it's easy to let the heart rule the head.

I agree with Grandy. This guy, whoever he is, wherever he is, he's not worth your time and energy. He sounds really immature, and probably was being crude to get a laugh from his mates, which means that he wouldn't have been a nice boyfriend, no way. You were lucky I think that you never dated him.

What may be good is to figure out what you learned and what you can take from this, going forward.

We can't change the past, we can only live in today, and make plans and hopes and dreams for our future.

What do you want for your future sweet Tayla?

Sweet dreams,

J*

[Guest_4643]

I regret saying anything, I forget anyone can read this, sigh. I hope no one's judging me. I'm an idiot.

Oh and thanks J.

[Ggrand]

Hello Tayla...

Your not an idiot..Please can you wipe that word out of your vocabulary....No one in life is an idiot.....that’s what Beyond Blue is all about..to get support from those who feel can help you and talk you through your concerns.....You are anonymous here..no one knows you or where you live...you are safe talking about your past trauma...or anything you feel up to here..

Absolutely no one is judging you here....please believe me...unfortunately you seem to be harshly judging yourself and by doing so, your keeping your depression and anxiety alive and growing quickly...

Please Dear Tayla...You are a caring and compassionate person, your posts to others on the forums who you’re supporting tells me you are...No I am not angry at you..I care very much for you and would love to hear you say something nice about yourself and be very kind to yourself...if you were as kind and compassionate to yourself as you are to others here it will help you with your depression, trauma and any other mh sickness that you have.....

We need the want to get better and we need to put our time into being kind and accepting of ourselves and our mh...to start our journey toward wellness.....I am talking to you from my heart...as I would talk to my own children and grandchildren...because I care a lot about you..

I know you try hard to get well...and I so much hope that you will one day soon...I am going to give you a little challenge precious lady....and that is...can you tell me something that you like about yourself.....please...

Sending you a gentle warm and caring hug...with my love and care dear Tayla...

Grandy..

[Matchy69]

Hi Tayla this is a safe place and can always say how you really feel.Expresssing yourself and opening up about past experiences is part of the healing process.We all care for you and are here for you on this journey as you are for others
Take care,
Mark.

[Guest_4643]

Thanks Mark and Grandy. It's not that easy, I don't like anything about myself inside and out. I've had mental illnesses since I was 12. Being cruel to myself is all I know, because others do it too (bullying etc).

[Ggrand]

Dear Tayla...

Thats so sad that you are being to cruel to yourself...just because others are cruel to you...

As you say...people have been cruel to you and you have been bullied...and I know in your heart you believe that this is wrong...regardless of who is bullying who...am I right?..

Being cruel to yourself is bullying yourself....and that is wrong...I mean why should we be cruel and bully ourself?...especially when we know how much it hurts that person being bullied....You are hurting yourself..your soul by being cruel to yourself....

You have a caring heart towards other people here on the forums..please put some of that care towards you...it’s not really hard at all...Look inside yourself at the beauty that you hold their within you...Your love for your parents..their love for you...the care you give on these forums to others,,,the care you receive off them as well...Shows that you are a very worthy person of love and care....If strangers can give you these things...surely dear Tayla you could give yourself a little bit of care and love....because you deserve it....Please try to be nice, kind and caring towards yourself...it really will help you...

Theres a quote..and it’s so true.....”If your looking for that one person who can change your life...look into the mirror”..

Sending you my love, care and a warm caring hug..precious friend..

Grandy..

[Matchy69]

One thing I will say is don't let the bullies win.You are better then them.

[HamSolo01]

G'day Tay

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. Everyone here supports you mate. You have our backs and we have yours too my awesome friend.

It's the nature of Mental health issues perhaps - not being able to see the good in ourselves.
I hope you see it soon in time my friend

Take care of you

[Guest_1643]

Hi Tayla

it is very painful to be bullied.

It leaves a really bad mark and if we try and suck it up - that doesn't help. Did you ever have a caring friend when u were little? Or receive a compliment from a stranger on the street? Hold onto the positives and hopefully they will overwhelm the negatives... u deserve to feel good about urself. I know it's hard and really bullies are such a horrible part of life. They leave lasting scars.
I remember a very very glamorous friend I had (a model!!!) telling me once "Let's be honest... we've all been bullied."

And i've seen a girl being bullied who later became a tv actress... sometimes it's just that ppl have a bright and beautiful spark and ppl try and estinguish it.
I don't know how ppl survive being bullied on a global scale. I often wander how celebrities survive it... like with instagram and social media - they have millions of ppl teling them abusive things... it's horrible.

Sometimes bullied for being too thin, or too fat. Bullied for having too many wrinkles etc and then bullied if they get plastic surgery for being "too fake" - there's no winning, is there?

Thanks for sharing ur story here... u never know who it will help. I hope you can keep sharing wherever you feel safe, here ,or with others x

[Jstar49]

Hi Tayla,

How are you doing now?

I hope that your feelings of regret, and maybe shame?? have settled a bit and you can be more accepting of yourself right now. It's too easy to turn our confusion and shame onto ourselves, which results in us feeling down and more miserable. But thats not the way to health. To become healthy we need to give ourselves what we need, which is love, acceptance and tolerance. Something which everyone posting here on your thread is also giving to you, which is so great.

When people treat us with love and care then it becomes easier to treat ourselves with that same love and care.

Treat yourself as you would your best friend! It's so true.

Hoping your day is sunny.

And if your day is rainy I pray you have someone holding space with you, being kind.

Big hugs,

J*