Hi everyone, I'm back.

[Guest_4643]

Hi everyone, mb20lover here. I wasn't sure where to post this.

It's been a while since I was on the forums, so I just wanted to make a post saying that I'm back. However, I'll try my best to limit my time, comments, etc on here.

I won't bother tagging anyone, and I'll try to keep this as my only open thread that I have created.

I've missed everyone I've spoken to on here, and I hope to talk to some new people. I have been using my offline supports - my Psychiatrist, GP, Parent support of course, and a Social Worker. I'm in the process of finding a Psychologist but I'm having no luck.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and say hello, and also I hope I haven't upset anyone on the forums or anything like that because nothing was intentional, so I deeply apologise.

An update on me, I recently turned 21, can't do much with COVID though, it's a hard year for everyone unfortunately.

I also have a milestone, an achievement, I've been seeing my Psychiatrist for a year which is the longest I've stayed with a therapist. And I also finally have a GP I feel comfortable with. I'm on different meds that seem to be working a little but I still of course have my moments, but these meds I've been on the longest for out of any of the ones I've tried.

Other than that, please don't feel pressured to comment anyone, although it would be nice to connect with some people, old or new, but like I said that's okay. I just wanted to check in.

If you've read this and made it this far, thank you. Stay safe and take care everyone, as much as possible with the unfortunate COVID circumstances.

Thinking of all the Beyond Blue Mods & Users. I've missed everyone.

- mb20lover.

[Guest_1643]

hey tayla hope ur doing okay

if u feel bad about anything posted here yuo can ask mods to remove it if that is causing you anxiety.

i hope ur getting along well with ur psychiatrist nd enjoying ur colouring and walks amongst the beautiful scenery

[HamSolo01]

Hey Tay
Just dropping in
Hope you're travelling okay buddy

[Guest_4643]

Hey everyone. I haven't been here for a while, I've been taking some time off the forums. Thank you all for checking in on me, it means a lot. I'll reply to other threads at some point.

I've been really struggling. I'm going through the process of lowering the dosage of my current meds to start new ones. It's horrible. I'm really angry and depressed and I can't control it. Today I've just been in a rage, not physical, just angry. I've been on my current meds for months, I can't remember how many months exactly, and I know any mental health med isn't a "take this and you'll never have mental illnesses again" type thing, I know it's meant to make it more tolerable etc but I still feel awful. I still feel depressed, I still feel anxious, suicidal, you name it. Yes I'm safe.

Apart from that, I've still got Asthma, it may only be mild but it's still annoying. I was on an Asthma puffer, and for 10 days, I was vomiting and had diarrhea, I could barely keep anything down. I went to my GP and told him all of this, he sent me for some tests, they came back normal.

However, I found out I have problems with my bladder, although I pee a lot, sometimes every 5 mins (sorry TMI). My GP said a normal bladder has 400ml when it's full, and it's emptied and goes to 0ml. Mine still has 100ml or so, so I'm not getting it out properly. I think that was from the cyst but I'm on the pill to prevent that and my surgery for that was in 2018. I think it may have been my current meds because they can do stuff like that (not to scare anyone).

I still have the Bunion, can't have surgery unless I go to the city (3 hours away from me), or see a private surgeon which would cost thousands of dollars. I'm still in pain from it and the Asthma.

Everything sucks, I can't do it. I'm really struggling and I feel like I'm pushing my parents away and I'm not meaning to, I know I'm a handful and I can't do anything. I don't realise I'm like this sometimes, and what I'm doing and saying.

I've been thinking of you all here, I just haven't felt like coming on the forums but I've been browsing. I hope you're all ok too.

Oh, I forgot. I found a Psychologist over the phone, next time I'll try to use Zoom. She seems nice. Only seen her once so far so we'll see. The first session was just intake & she sent me some forms like DASS-21, K-10 etc to fill out online. Some of the questions I didn't understand but I filled them in the best I could.

I don't think any meds or anything will help me, sigh. I hate it.

[Sophie_M]

Hey mb20lover, 

It's great to hear from you after some time away. It sounds as though things are still really difficult where you are and we're sorry to hear of the physical problems you've been struggling with. It must be so frustrating and painful to still have this bunion. 

We're sorry to hear you feel as though you're pushing your parents away. Has your relationship with them been different lately? 

We're so glad to hear you've found a psychologist, that's fantastic! What is one thing you hope to achieve with these sessions?  Thanks again for updating us on your situation and please feel free to reach out to our Support Service (1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3 pm-12 am AEST www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport) anytime you'd like to talk things through. 

[Guest_4643]

Hi Sophie.

Sorry I should've phrased that better. My parents try their best to be supportive and help, I meant that I feel like a monster and I feel like I'm just irritating them more. Sorry I didn't word that right, my mistake.

[Matchy69]

Hi Tayla its nice to see you again.I am sorry you really are struggling at the moment it sounds like you really having a tough time at the moment.As a patent I know I am here for my kids no matter how tough things get.I know your parents would be to.I am glad you found a phychologist you like and I am hoping that can help you with your struggles.You always have the BB community to give you extra support.
Take care,
Mark.

[Guest_4643]

Thanks Mark. Yes it is hard.

I'm here for you all too

[Guest_1643]

hi tayla i'm thrilled for u that you found a psychologist and that she gave you those forms, hopefully she is nice. That's great u found someone.

I know u were wanting to see ur psychiatrist more, and he said that's not how he operates. There are some psychaitrists who see ppl twice (or even more times a week!) for psychotherapy - so maybe he also meant that he works more as someone who monitors medication rather than as a psychotherapist.
My psych is more the psychotherapist kind, and I see him every week. But he doesn't do much for medication. Just food for thought.
I really hope u feel better soon.

[Guest_4643]

Hi Sleepy.

Possibly, who knows. I just can't cope feeling like this. I have no purpose, even if I did have the neccesities (jobs, studying, etc). Sigh.

[Guest_1643]

Hey Tayla

i understand how you feel and have felt that way many times. you want more from life and are let down

u sound like ur going through a rough time and i hope u are okay.

i am being admitted soon into hospital and hope that will help me feel better. I can't manage too well on my own either. Not to talk about myself but just to share ways I have dealt with painful feelings and hopelessness. Have ur parents been able to support u much or give any ideas... how often will u see this psychologist.

It sounded good that she gave u those tests. I believe they are quite helpful.