Hi everyone, I'm back.

[Guest_4643]

Hi everyone, mb20lover here. I wasn't sure where to post this.

It's been a while since I was on the forums, so I just wanted to make a post saying that I'm back. However, I'll try my best to limit my time, comments, etc on here.

I won't bother tagging anyone, and I'll try to keep this as my only open thread that I have created.

I've missed everyone I've spoken to on here, and I hope to talk to some new people. I have been using my offline supports - my Psychiatrist, GP, Parent support of course, and a Social Worker. I'm in the process of finding a Psychologist but I'm having no luck.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and say hello, and also I hope I haven't upset anyone on the forums or anything like that because nothing was intentional, so I deeply apologise.

An update on me, I recently turned 21, can't do much with COVID though, it's a hard year for everyone unfortunately.

I also have a milestone, an achievement, I've been seeing my Psychiatrist for a year which is the longest I've stayed with a therapist. And I also finally have a GP I feel comfortable with. I'm on different meds that seem to be working a little but I still of course have my moments, but these meds I've been on the longest for out of any of the ones I've tried.

Other than that, please don't feel pressured to comment anyone, although it would be nice to connect with some people, old or new, but like I said that's okay. I just wanted to check in.

If you've read this and made it this far, thank you. Stay safe and take care everyone, as much as possible with the unfortunate COVID circumstances.

Thinking of all the Beyond Blue Mods & Users. I've missed everyone.

- mb20lover.

[Guest_4643]

Hi everyone, sorry I'm just replying now. Nice to see everyone around again.

mocha delight - thank you, sorry to hear you were struggling finding a Psychologist also, but I'm glad you've now found one and they seem to be a good fit for you.

White Rose - hey, I've seen you around & we've chatted, so hi again. Thank you for the belated birthday wishes & kind words. Sometimes I feel better after seeing my GP & Psychiatrist, I occasionally see a Social Worker too, whenever I can get in really. I see her in a few days, my GP & Psychiatrist in December. We all have a laugh but talk about serious stuff so it's good. Sorry to hear about your friend.

Mark - hey again, I'm ok, thank you. How are you? I'm still struggling to find a Psychologist, the Telehealth company said this one lady will see me but I don't know. I'm very hesitant to see one again and I think I'm coping OK with my treatment now anyway. I don't like how my Psychiatrist & GP seem to be very pushy & forceful when I keep explaining to them my past traumatic experiences & why I'm scared to see one again & whatnot. I know they're trying to help but I wish they would see it from my POV, it gets annoying at times. I know that's their job but I feel like they don't listen. Sorry to hear about your Daughter & being stuck at home alone, I know how that feels.

Take care all, I hope you're all well, nice to hear from you all again. Sorry for taking so long to reply to all of you.

- Tayla.

[Guest_4643]

Hi everyone.

Feeling really lonely lately, having flashbacks & weird dreams. Don't know what to do anymore. Don't see my GP & Psychiatrist until next month. I see the Social Worker on the 26th though. Sick of getting no sleep at night & staying up late & sleeping in.

- Tayla.

[AliasKind]

Hey Tayla,

Just wanted to reach out and offer my sympathies and support. I too struggle with loneliness and seldom know what to do. I do have a sleeping routine, though I tend to oversleep. I wish there was some magic cure. While it's great these forums are here, it's a little bit of a shame there isn't any way to progress a friendship further. I'm here with you, sitting quietly.

[Guest_4643]

Hey AliasKind, sorry I'm just replying to you now.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you deal with sleep issues, loneliness, etc too. I wish we could be friends somehow off here as well, it would be good.

I struggle a lot with loneliness, at night I seem to like my own time alone, although I HATE the dark. In bed I listen to music with the TV on in the background, or watch videos or something. I usually have some wax melts (like candles but you put them in a warmer, so without the flame), that relaxes me a little, even just smelling them.

Whenever I see people out with friends or family, it makes me jealous. The last time I hung out with someone was 2 years ago and I've known this person since I was 8 years old, so since primary school. Yes she's been there for me but she was also very toxic. She always used to brag to me about how she has 3 jobs, siblings, lots of money, her own second hand car (which was crap but still) and enough money to buy a new one, all her friendship groups, and so on. She always seemed to delete the photos of us but whenever I went to her house, there were heaps of notes and pictures from her friends, and she always wrote long paragraphs for them on her birthday & vice versa, sometimes I didn't even get a happy birthday. Sigh.

But yeah, it's very hard for me to make friends. I see people and I turn away. Sometimes I say hi but they probably can't hear me anyway.

- Tayla.

[AliasKind]

That's rough, having a toxic friend. Wax melts sound lovely, soothing even. I think jealousy would be a natural reaction, when you see people have things you want for yourself, jealousy sounds completely reasonable. Do you ever wonder how your life will develop, I do sometimes, about mine. I just hope it's not the same in 5 years time, I suppose I need to do something different or it's inevitable - who knows?

Here's to another day, doing the best we can.

[Guest_4643]

Hey AliasKind.

Yes they are relaxing. And yeah I don't need that so called "friend" anymore.

And I don't know about how my life will develop, I feel like I haven't even got one anyway.

- Tayla

[AliasKind]

Hey, didn't want to let that one go unanswered. I know how we can be the most brutal with ourselves and I hear how you feel about yourself. Just wanted to let you know I don't feel that way about you. You reach out here and offer advice, comfort and support. That has real value. Hugs to you x

[Guest_4643]

Thank you for the kind words AliasKind. Hugs and love back to you.

Hello if anyone else is around here too.

- Tayla

[Guest_4643]

Feeling unwanted lately, not because of anyone here, no one's done anything wrong. It's just that whenever I try to seek help, like earlier, the helplines are rude and unhelpful and I get told to go away. I feel like I'm not worthy for treatment and help, like I don't deserve it. I give up.

Having the dark thoughts of SH & SI now, I'm safe, just thoughts. I just give up.

- Tayla

[Sophie_M]

We're so sorry to hear that you felt dismissed and unsupported. We hope you know that despite such experiences, you are deserving of kindess, compassion and support. 

Please remember that if at any point you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).