Having nothing in life

[Cee123]

Hi guys, I just need someone to talk to about how crappy I feel.

I have a massive sense of failure in my life and I feel completely stuck, I have ongoing loneliness, years of unemployment, no friends, no partner, I'm 35 soon and I should be married with kids but I have nothing and I feel like time is running out. I live at home with my parents still. They are my only real source of support. I don't have anybody else. And if I lived alone I would've lost it by now and probably taken my own life. I have depression, social anxiety... I've always been single all my life and I can't find anybody. I haven't worked in over 10 years because at my last job which was a deadend job in housekeeping I was bullied and called a retard and this caused ongoing mental health issues. Just a couple of years ago, I started going to the gym with my cousin. I'm currently still going to the gym and this has lifted my spirits a bit. It took me a long, long time before I could even go into a gym. But now I'm running out of money, and I feel like I won't be able to afford it anymore. I don't know what to do for money. I am painfully shy and awkward to even talk to people much of the time. I have been applying for jobs online and heard absolutely nothing back. I have seriously low self-esteem. I just feel sad. I have a dog who's 16 years old now who I can't even take for walks anymore because she's on her last legs. She's like my child.

I've been to therapists about my depression and they haven't helped. I've also been on medication which has helped a little bit. I went off it for about a year because I didn't like the side effects. Now I feel like I'm going to need it again. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel depressed and lonely all the time, no one talks to me anymore, I don't go anywhere because I have nowhere to go. Even at the gym it feels like I have no association with anyone. I'm posting here, I hope I won't get judged or abused because I've abused on forums before and it's been horrible.

[Cee123]

Hi Geoff, it's great to hear back from you too!

Yeah it is a tough decision to contemplate, it takes a lot of work to raise them too, just like having a child I guess haha. Oh wow, your dog lived to 18?! That is a good innings. I'm glad your dog lived for such a long time, but it's so sad when they go. Sad to hear they got cancer. Ahhh really? Hahaha! Your son's dog sounds like an energetic dog hahaha. I bet your grand daughter wasn't happy about that haha.

Yeah that's understandable, the longer they've been with you the more that attachment grows. Yeah I feel what you've said. Can completely agree! That's why it would be difficult to get another one straight away I think. What are their names?

Oh ok, yeah I suppose you could be right there. In that case the decision would've been a lot easier than having to think about it a lot more. You probably may have decided not to get another one. Maybe.

It's hard to imagine life without dogs, true. I've had another dog before but somehow he escaped from the yard, went missing and despite our best efforts we never found him. Maybe he was stolen. So you had a bigger yard before? That's true at least the smaller dogs can be kept inside a lot easier, especially if there's not much of a yard. Awww that's cute hahaha. Jack russels are nice dogs! Does she have a lot of energy too? Haha Our dog loves her food, she never seems to know when to stop eating haha.

Thank you so much Geoff, of course, it's great talking to you. Cheers for that. I really appreciate that. Hope you're doing well as well and things are ok.

Take care too.

[Cee123]

Hi mb20lover,

Thank you so much for your kind words. Ahh really? I am sorry you had to go through that. 😞 I went through the same crap at high school. So I can relate to what you mean as well. I think some of the bullying I went through caused me to suffer for even up to a decade later. Even the bullying I went through in the workplace. And I think that's why I have social anxiety and depression now. I'm sorry to hear about that. Sounds like we have a lot in common despite our ages haha. You're still young though. I hope you're alright too. Let's hope maybe things will get better in the future.

Thank you so much for writing and comforting me. I really appreciate that. We're always here for each other.

[geoff]

Hello Cee, the name of the 18 year old puppie (I always call them puppies) was Tessie and the one I've got now is Mindy and all we do is hope that nothing will happen to them, but would need to have one, while I'm still living at home.

They're so much company and because I've had a hip replacement, I built some stairs for her to walk up and get onto the bed, only because the bed is higher than usual.

One of the best parts to this is my vet just adores her, so I have no problem taking her to see the vet who usually doesn't charge me for the consultation as I always take her a box of chocolates.

Had you thought about any plans for the weekend, but we will still be on deck to listen to what you may want to say.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Guest_9871]

Hey Cee, many thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it.

It is nice to have a conversation with people who understand depression and don't fob it off as someone just being weak. Mine comes in waves which I am assuming is normal. I usually get mad at myself for not achieving my goals in life and always bottle stuff up. I know I need to focus more on positive stuff, but as you know, it is easier said than done sometimes. My dogs names are Larni (Blue Merle border collie with different colour eyes) and Moonlight (Chocolate Lab cross staffy). Larni is a real nutter and Moonlight is a big softie. Wish they could talk!!

What is your pups name? They are always positive which is awesome, even though they never stop eating.

Have a great weekend

Paul

[Cee123]

Hi Geoff.

Aww that's cute. Nice names for the dogs. Yeah it's better to always have their company, I can't imagine living without them.

That's a good idea for the dogs, at least that way they can join you in the bed if it's too high for them to get up or down. That's a very good idea.

She must be so loveable. Haha, sounds adorable. That's good that she gets along well with the vet. Our girl is scared of going to the vet usually.

Not up to much this weekend, just the usual go out visiting family. Which is good, gets me out of the house. Today I went for a drive with my cousin it just got my mind off things... for a while. What about you?

Cee123

[Cee123]

Hi Paul R.

Yeah, I feel exactly the same way. Exactly. The same way. I don't know that mine comes in waves. I think it's just been a constant numbness over the years. Although when I think about it it probably does come in waves. And it worsens in the morning, at night and in winter it's also worse when it's cold and dark and miserable outside. Yeah it's hard to focus on the positive things. I don't even know what they are anymore.

Ah wow, that's cute haha. Nice names for the dogs too. Sound like great personalities. I wish our girl could talk as well. Her name is Chelsea.

That's good to hear. Yeah ours she loves food as well.

Have a great weekend too.

Cee123

[Cee123]

Last night, I felt like I was going nuts. I couldn't sleep again. I had too many worries going through my mind again. Worries about the future, about money etc. Feelings of failure. This was at 2:30am. And I was going nuts. I couldn't sleep, tossing and turning, having anxiety.

I couldn't handle it. I rang up Lifeline, to speak to somebody. Fortunately someone answered and the woman on the phone was very nice, kind and helpful. She listened to me, provided positive feedback. Empathized with me. She told me that I am putting too much pressure on myself to achieve too much. And that I should just take things one step at a time. I told her about my mental health situation, she told me that only I know what I can and can't do in terms of my capabilities and shouldn't feel like I have to do anything that I don't feel that I am comfortable with or capable of. Which I think was good advice. She also told me to recognize the positive traits in myself and the things that I might be good at. And to be good to myself. It was a calming conversation.

I was just talking, and she was listening. I feel like I got a lot off my chest. And she was very kind and understanding. She didn't judge me. Soon after that phone call I fell asleep, and was able to sleep for hours. So it helped. And today I was feeling a bit better also.

[geoff]

Hi Cee and Paul R, isn't it amazing we pride our animals with so much love, people can only seem to half understand, but I'm sure they do the same with their own pets, they are able to fill that empty spot we have in the days we aren't feeling well.

Mind you not only does my vet love Mindy, I've got a crush on her, even though she's much younger than me, and has rung me up to see how I am going after I've been in hospital, not for depression but for other reasons, that makes me feel terrific.

Back in the days when I was depressed, I listened to the radio, and when I was feeling anxious or upset I realised nothing could be done at that early hour of the morning, so I just focused on the music, that's what put me to sleep.

This weekend I have nothing planned, I'm still babysitting my elderly friend's dog who can't hear what you say, but he eats well and goes through the doggie door.

I've bought a portable keyboard but it's bigger than I thought, so deciding whether or not to return it, but that's not an easy decision to make, probably my son will say to keep it.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Guest_4643]

That's fine Cee123.

[Cee123]

Hi Geoff, yeah it's amazing the effect that pets can have on us. Positive effects.

That sounds great about the vet. Haha. Hopefully she is interested and single.

That sounds like a good idea. I have never thought about listening to music at the early hours of the morning, being depressed. Yeah there isn't really much else to do in the morning if you can't sleep and that's what makes it even worse.

That sounds alright. Hopefully he is behaving well, and giving you a lot of attention and affection.

Nice a portable keyboard. Are you able to play much music on there? I did try to practice that once, but I wasn't very good at it.

Take care too.
Cee123