Having nothing in life

[Cee123]

Hi guys, I just need someone to talk to about how crappy I feel.

I have a massive sense of failure in my life and I feel completely stuck, I have ongoing loneliness, years of unemployment, no friends, no partner, I'm 35 soon and I should be married with kids but I have nothing and I feel like time is running out. I live at home with my parents still. They are my only real source of support. I don't have anybody else. And if I lived alone I would've lost it by now and probably taken my own life. I have depression, social anxiety... I've always been single all my life and I can't find anybody. I haven't worked in over 10 years because at my last job which was a deadend job in housekeeping I was bullied and called a retard and this caused ongoing mental health issues. Just a couple of years ago, I started going to the gym with my cousin. I'm currently still going to the gym and this has lifted my spirits a bit. It took me a long, long time before I could even go into a gym. But now I'm running out of money, and I feel like I won't be able to afford it anymore. I don't know what to do for money. I am painfully shy and awkward to even talk to people much of the time. I have been applying for jobs online and heard absolutely nothing back. I have seriously low self-esteem. I just feel sad. I have a dog who's 16 years old now who I can't even take for walks anymore because she's on her last legs. She's like my child.

I've been to therapists about my depression and they haven't helped. I've also been on medication which has helped a little bit. I went off it for about a year because I didn't like the side effects. Now I feel like I'm going to need it again. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel depressed and lonely all the time, no one talks to me anymore, I don't go anywhere because I have nowhere to go. Even at the gym it feels like I have no association with anyone. I'm posting here, I hope I won't get judged or abused because I've abused on forums before and it's been horrible.

[amberlite]

Hi and I was wondering is your birthday due? Cause these contemplations happen for me around that time of year. I was thinking about your first post and I wondered do you have a wheel barrow? cause if you do or you can borrow one, then you can put towels and blankets in the bottom and take your darling old dog out for walks again. Apparently the dogs last sense to go is their smell, and as you wheel her around she will enjoy all the stinky stuff that dogs love. Visiting the dog parks is free, you just gotta wheel her there. And dont knock the wheel barrow it's practical and resourceful. I wish you the best of luck, bye

[Cee123]

Thank you, I really appreciate the kind words. I'm glad I can talk to people here, I felt like I was losing my mind.

Yeah it's really horrible. Sometimes you do attempt to talk to people but they just block you out or they're not really interested. Some of the people who work at the desk at the gym are like that, a couple of times I've said hi or see ya later and got no response. But they usually give one or two word answers. There are a couple of guys I talk to when I see them there occasionally. And some I've spoken to a couple of times but that was it. My brother's friend goes there and I talk to him when I see him and my cousin goes there as well which helps to have someone to talk to. But I havent seen them there much lately. I was going with my cousin but I got fed up with him because he only wanted to stay for 15 minutes. I usually stay for an hour so I've been going by myself. I find that exercise helps with depression. But it has to be rigorous exercise. And you have to do it every other day. I stopped going for a week due to an infection on my foot and my depression started worsening. I'm starting to feel a bit better today after going yesterday and doing exercise at the park today.

That's a good idea. I was thinking the same. Actually today I applied for jobseeker, knowing full well I wont get any kind of job. I can't get a job anywhere. I was suggested by a couple of people to go to the doctor's get a diagnosis of depression and anxiety and maybe switch over to the disability support pension. And I was thinking maybe from there to go through a disability job agency. Although I've done this in the past and all they did was harass me. Volunteering sounds good. How did you get that opportunity to do that? Was it easy?

Sounds bad that you had to go through that with anxiety. I know exactly what you had to go through. I would've been the same way! I feel you. I've had that when I was studying at TAFE. During the class I would get anxiety about being in a class of strangers, so I had to leave the classroom (I didn't tell anyone) because I was feeling suffocated and had to go into the toilets for about 10 minutes or so. It's horrible. It got so bad I had to leave my studies. I thought about volunteering like you say and I did look for a few things to do but most required skills or experience that I dont have. Others I didnt hear anything back.

[Cee123]

Hi there, amberlite. Yeah my birthday is only a couple of months away in May. And already I don't feel like celebrating. Isn't it horrible when you reach these milestones and you just realize what a failure you are and have been.

Haha that's a nice idea. I could use the wheelbarrow to take her for a walk. I used to take her for a walk every night and day. Everyone used to know her around here. But now she just sleeps a lot. Poor thing. Actually the park is just 10 meters from our house. But she won't go there anymore. She panics even going away from the house now. So I'd better not as she'll probably try to jump out of wheelbarrow haha. I still just take her down the street and she is happy enough with that now. I'll be so depressed when she goes...

[geoff]

Hello Cee, I'm so pleased other members have also replied back to you.

You dearly love your puppie even though she's getting old, just as I did with my 18 year old puppie and when she had to have an operation for cancer, I thought that my best friend would still be around for another couple of years, unfortunately, not so, I had to put her to sleep, one of the hardest decisions I had to make, because she came everywhere with me and if nobody liked dogs, then I wouldn't go and see them, simple as that.

She would eat most of my steak while I had a sandwich, I just loved her so much.

I've had another puppie for several years but one can never replace the one you've lost, they have their own idiosyncrasies that can't be replaced, but I still love this one so much.

I think this is one problem you're trying to cope with, and yes I feel exactly for you knowing that your best friend is becoming slower and I certainly hope that she is accepted at home, especially with your father.

You have my absolute support and would dearly love to give her a cuddle with those graceful whitening around her eyes, that's what makes her so dignified.

It makes it so difficult for wanting to do anything, to leave her behind isn't something you want to do, I was lucky I was self employed and my puppie came with me, lifting her up and down into the truck, that was certainly a comfort for me.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Cee123]

Ive had another sleepless night last night. I dont think i can go through with jobsearching i might just have to go on disability. And then when I'm comfortable go with a disability job provider and possibly training. I've been having panic attacks all night at the thought of going different places and being around different people. Even the thought of going to the doctor's to get tablets right now or going into centrelink gives me massive anxiety. I don't know what's wrong with me. And I'm also struggling with the depression of feeling like im at a dead end in my life and not knowing what to do.

[Cee123]

Yeah she's wonderful. She is my best friend. She's loved by the whole family, my father included. Ive always been home during the day with her. During the lowest point i had when i had a breakdown and i left my last job years ago, she was the only thing that comforted me. And when i failed my studies years ago and all i wanted to do was to lay in bed and cry. She got me out of the house and going for walks and to the park when i just wanted to lay in bed 24 hours a day during those times. She's been there for me when no one else has. In some ways i owe my life to this dog. It'll be sad when she finally does go. People ask me if we'll get another dog but i dont know, maybe. You're right they all have their own personalities and it wont be the same. But i guess having another dog would also bring joy in different ways.

[Guest_9871]

Hi Cee123

My name is Paul and I have just joined the forum. Everything you have said is what I am going through as well, just I am a bit older. You are still only very young and so much to look forward to.

I am 49 and have been separated for about a year. I have a job but it seems all of the money goes out in rent and bills so not really much to look forward to on pay day. My life is also boring and I also wonder what the heck my future holds as I don't feel like I have any motivation anymore or any interest in anything. Luckily I have 2 dogs that are always happy to see me. I think another dog for you when you current one passes will be a big help to you. Dogs are so under appreciated in this world I think and I wish they could live as long as us.

Anyway, sorry I can't give you too much help at the moment but I guess just try and focus on one thing at a time so you don't get too overwhelmed. Maybe spend some time at the library where you don't really need to speak to anyone (p.s. I don't like talking to many people either) and read some motivational books maybe??

Thanks for your story, you have helped me alot as you have given me the urge to chat on this forum.

Paul

[geoff]

Hello Cee, great to hear back from you.

Having another when the one we've spend so much time with is always a big question we contemplate, but before my 18 year puppie got sick from cancer, I was given one of my son's puppies, who was rather naughty as she kept taking food out of my granddaughter's hand and then eating it, she was only very young then, so I took their dog.

I truly loved her but my favourite was the older one, only because I'd had her for so long, but my affection towards the new puppie grew day by day and when the time came to put the older one to sleep, I found it hard to be affectionate towards my sons dog, that wasn't fair, but under the circumstances, that's what happened.

She was longing for my love and eventually, I gave her everything I could, attention, love and being spoilt which she idolised, so for me at that time, it was better for me to have two puppies, because when people kept on saying that I have to get another dog, I would have procrastinated, so having another one was my best option.

I could never live without a puppie and previously we always had big dogs, now by myself they have been small, jack russells, who can read and know my daily routine and what to expect, the way she looks at me, just melts me, sure she has a couple of bad habits which I haven't corrected, so that's my fault, but I love her so much.

Keep talking if that's what you want to do, and if I can just say, I get up very early and log off at midday or there about, but will always catch your thread in the morning.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Cee123]

Hi Paul, sorry to hear you're going through the same things. Sounds like we have quite a bit in common then. Thanks for writing here. Thank you, I don't know what to say. Hope you're feeling ok.

Oh wow, that sucks. Separations can cause a lot of pain and loss. Yeah and having a job that doesn't pay much and then tax and bills etc that's no way to live either. 😞 Sorry to hear about this stuff. Sounds like we're similar in a lot of ways. I've been feeling the same way as you mentioned. That's nice two dogs even better. What are their names? I agree dogs are so underappreciated. We might get another one when she goes. We're still thinking about it.

Thank you for your kind words. Yeah I'm just taking things one step at a time. But sometimes it all rushes into my head at once. And then I just fall apart again. Wish I had some advice for you too to help you. But I cant even help myself. Hope you're doing ok.

Thank you, I didn't think I could inspire anybody haha. I really appreciate that. Yeah we're all here to support each other. Hope you can at least get some emotional support.

[Guest_4643]

Hi Cee123, welcome.

I'm sorry you're struggling and feeling this way. It's ok to live with your parents and not have everything in life yet.

I'm 21, left school early due to bullying, becoming physically ill everyday, etc. And I haven't done anything. Never had a job. Don't have kids, never had a relationship. I live with my parents too.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.