Fragmented

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

Today I need to get some feedback from the community. This is a pretty heavy conversation so I hope it doesn't trigger anyone. Most days I am stable with my depression but I feel I am just going through the motions a lot of the time. I still can't seem to manage the day to day stuff and I don't seem to care. I have been isolating for many years so when covid hit, it didn't change anything for me personally. I am more comfortable with animals than humans, that is not because I am anti social, I just think I have been hurt too often by humans.

I feel like with every loss, every betrayal, every negative experience, I lost a piece of myself and now there are so many pieces missing that I sometimes wonder if the little that is left is worth the effort. Can anyone relate to this feeling?

I have always been a sensitive creative person and sang for most of my life along with crafts, making jewellery, in fact I have tried my hand at a great many creative things. But I lost interest in all the things that used to light me up when I went into a state of chronic depression about 12 years ago and haven't been able to get the spark back. I miss that person but I don't know how to find her. All feedback will be greatly appreciated.

indigo22

[indigo22]

Hi dig,

That was an intense week for you but it sounds like some positive changes came out of it. You are finally allowing yourself to work through things that you have been pushing down for a long time, so it stands to reason you will feel vulnerable for a while. It is an uncomfortable process while you are going through it and I really feel for you as you face your inner demons. It also sounds like you have taken a positive step in self-advocating with the insurance email.

I really understand a lot of what you talked about, my most challenging time was after mum died as I was thrown into dealing with multiple unpleasant situations all at the same time and I almost didn't get through it.

The will that my parents had drawn up in the 70's was never updated, it had my mother or father as the sole recipient and my eldest brother as the administrator. I told mum that she needed to update it now that dad and my brother were deceased and I made an appointment for her to talk to a lawyer to sort out what she wanted. Unfortunately, she had difficulty deciding what to do on that day so they left it with a few details undecided that she would get back to him about. The only thing I asked of her was to please not leave me to deal with my narcissist sister and she agreed to honor that. Two days later she had a stroke so the update of the will was never completed and she died about a week or two later.

My sister came at me with lawyers 2 months after mum passed demanding to see the will and accusing me of miss-handling their affairs (I had power of attorney) and demanded to see bank statements etc. This is the person who did not contact either her brother or mother even though she knew they had cancer and did not go to either of their funerals. I was in an emotional state as it was but then to have to deal with her on top was a huge burden on my personal resources and it went on for four years. Add to that, I had applied for DSP and Centrelink kept denying me so for 2 of those years I was also going through the appeals process with them. I couldn't afford to pay some of my bills and had my phone cut off as a result. That's when I decided it was no longer worth being here, the only thing that stopped me was my nephew (eldest brother's son) said I had to promise not to go down that road as they had already lost too many people. Somewhere I found the strength to keep going and finally got a hearing at the administration appeals tribunal, which was the final step of appeal. Because of my situation with the estate, I could not get help through legal aid to assist me. So I had to read up on the legal stuff and represent myself which took everything I had left in me to do. I was extremely fortunate that the judge presiding was a doctor and recognised that Centrelink had made the wrong call and reversed the decision.

Getting through those few years was the most difficult thing I have had to do but it did make me stronger and I know if I got through that, I can get through anything else life throws at me.

I think you will eventually see yourself that way when you have made it through the painful journey you are on at the moment and I applaud you for having the courage to work through it as not everyone does. You have every reason to feel proud of yourself for the progress you have made and are making.

Be kind to yourself for a few days while you recover 😉

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray,

Off on a new adventure! Good for you, I hope you get inspiration from many different experiences on your road trip. Let us know how it's going when you are able and most of all, have a wonderful time 😎

Too soon to tell with the smoothies yet but I'll let you know.

Take care out there,

indigo

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Indigo, 

Yes, indeed, lots of emotion that has been suppressed is coming up. And yes, I am self-advocating more and more, as I travel along this journey.... 

Wow, that is quite a story following your mum's death. I am so sorry to hear that all that stress with the Will was piled on top of you when you would have been so vulnerable and grief-stricken. And, to be such a drawn out process over years. I can imagine that representing yourself would have taken all the energy you had. I am so glad that you have the DSP now. I may have to go down that road at some stage, too. 

I can relate to a certain extent. I had a rough few years following the death of my father. When my father died, only days afterwards, my aunty was asking about items that she wanted. I tried to explain to her that I was the sole beneficiary, so basically, everything was left to me. And, I was the executor of the Will. She kept pestering me thinking that because I was the executor of the Will, that I could just change it and give her the stuff that she wanted. It was like she was a vulture! Like you described, it was all this horrible pressure and stress at a time when I was collapsing with grief and deep sorrow and loss. Thank goodness it didn't go to court or anything as drastic as that. I also handed over the executor's rights to someone else so that I took myself out of that equation. But even so, I was tense and on edge, bracing myself for her to challenge the Will, for about 12 months until the Will was finalised and I received my inheritance.

During that first year I was grieving, struggling to hold myself together at work, and then grief spiraled down into depression and ideation. Also, to compound all of that, my (now ex) partner at the time, was physical with me about one month after my dad died. It had been an emotionally volatile relationship and then it escalated to that. I did not have the strength to deal with it, or to break up with him, and he was my only 'support' at the time. That's a story for another day..... but it was extremely stressful dealing with all of that. The relationship finally ended in 2020, 2 years after my dad died. The next year was trying to piece myself back together, and get on top of the depression. I was also dealing with workplace bullying in 2020 and 2021. And then the final trigger, which I won't go into, towards the end of 2021, which led to the breakdown and diagnosis of c-PTSD. 

But, things have also started turning around since my dad died. I was able to buy a property. I met my lovely current partner. I have developed some lovely nurturing friendships. I have been able to take time off working to process everything. I have the security of a home and a partner which means I feel 'safe' to unravel and deal with all the undealt with emotions and trauma and grief. Even though I am going through such a rough time at the moment, I can also feel an sense of safety and strength growing.

I am glad to hear that your experiences made you stronger, it sounds like it was an empowering process to go through. I hope that you can find some safety and peace and rest now that the 'storm' is over. They say that "depression" is "deep rest". Maybe that's what you need?     

Take care, 

dig 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Indigo and dig,

Indigo, I feel for you so much with what you went through following your mother’s death. You were the one there for her and yet your sister jumps into the picture when she thinks she can benefit. It is hard enough processing grief without dealing with all of those additional pressures as well. It can make the grief more complicated and longer to start to even begin to process. It’s just utterly overwhelming. Good on you for hanging in there with Centrelink, so hard to fight for by yourself. And dig, I feel for you so much too. It sounds so stressful as well what you had to deal with following your father’s death. It is too much to deal with at once. I had an aunty too who decided she was entitled to things of my parents when nothing was left to her by them. I felt invaded and like I was fending off a vulture, like you describe.

When my Mum died I’d been living with her and caring for her over the last 11 months of her life. I was utterly exhausted and had been becoming progressively ill over a few years. Just before Mum died I was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease and initially given a poor prognosis. The very day she died my brother’s partner was awful and continued to be over the following weeks. The day of Mum’s funeral she swore and carried on in the funeral car on the way there. After I gave a eulogy from the heart my cousin (mother’s brother’s son) got up and rubbished my eulogy and ran down my mother in front of everyone at the funeral. This was because of perceived conflict between his father and my mother, a situation he didn’t even understand. So many awful things happened. At the end of that month, when I tried to talk to my brother and his partner about handling my cousin’s perception of things, my brother’s partner started attacking me with a tirade of abuse. She cut me off every time I tried to speak. I collapsed on the side of the road and she just didn’t stop, rubbishing my mother and me. I went into severe shock and couldn’t breathe. Sometime later (with her still abusing me) I was able to get to my feet and go back to the house. She pursued me all the way ranting non-stop. That night I came extremely close to ending my life. I’d been through 5 years of extreme stress and could take no more. Many other challenging things happened that I won’t go into.

So I really understand the place both of you got to. I know that feeling of being pushed over the threshold of what you can handle and then pushed some more. But I think eventually a resilience does develop. Sometimes the most awful things become a catalyst for shifting our lives and ourselves in a way where we begin to live for ourselves in a way we didn’t before. I have nothing to do with my brother’s partner now and I think it’s helped me to recognise toxicity and what I won’t stand for. I think we learn to become fierce in the face of abusers, stand our ground when we have to and remove ourselves from situations and people when we have to.

 I really wish for you both the greatest healing. Take great care of yourselves. If it gives any hope, I can feel after 2 and a half years since Mum died that the grief is finally beginning to be processed and that I am actually healing. I am tender and it is gradual, but I can feel it is happening. So hang in there and giving you both much support on your journey.

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray & dig,

What a battle we have all been through and we haven't even scratched the surface when it comes to the deeper wounds!

I am so grateful to have the support of both of you and some words in both of your posts have given me cause to do some thinking about my own situation.

Dig, I think the storm is still raging inside of me, even though I feel the stress level has come down since I moved, I still can't move on and I think that's the reason.

Eagle Ray, you talked about being hard on yourself and learning to let go, I think that may be the case with me also.

I believe I have dealt with the grief but not the effect of what has been said and done.

The thing that makes it difficult for me is that I am alone here with no friends nearby, no immediate family, no extended family, my niece and nephew are hours away and I have not had a partner in my life for more that 20 years. If I let go, there is no one to help me get through the aftermath. I was born in England and brought here as a baby so I have never known grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. I feel that I have spent my life attempting to heal a family that didn't want to be healed and now that I need that type of support, there is no one left.

Dig, I am so sorry you had to deal with physical abuse and pressure from family on top of the emotional stress you were dealing with, so glad you got out of that situation and found a lovely partner.

Eagle Ray, your brother's partner is a real piece of work, I recognise the narcissist in her just like my sister. Leaving you on the ground, having difficulty breathing but still ranting and raving is something my sister would do too. What was your brother thinking letting her treat you that way? As for your cousin, behaving that way at a funeral is about as low as it gets, no matter what the reason.

In another thread, I was talking about these things, what they are doing is only adding to their karmic debt because they have chosen not to learn from their experiences, despite being given ample opportunities.

My hope is that we all heal from our deepest wounds.

indigo

[indigo22]

I forgot to mention that Peter Levine's book 'Trauma and Memory' is $2.99 on Kindle at the moment in case you are interested and don't have it already.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo and dig,

 Indigo, I so understand what you mean by having no one there if you let go. I felt exactly the same. After my mother died my brother is the only immediate family left, and I feel so alone with him and know he’ll never be there for me emotionally, even though I have been for him many times.

What enabled me to finally let go was my psychologist. But I think it took almost a year to get to that point after I started seeing her. One day I said “I’m just so exhausted”, put my head down on the desk in front of me and just cried (I see her via FaceTime). She was just so present with me and it was like the first time I could do the letting go. It was really transformative. I had several really healing visions later that afternoon to do with people and situations from my life and past. I then wrote my first song in 13 years. Much fundamentally shifted in me from that simple but powerful letting go.

 I just thought I’d mention too that the events I mentioned above with my brother’s partner and my cousin I’ve managed to clear using somatic experiencing with my psych. It was only my second ever session with her and we went straight into working on the abusive attack from my brother’s partner. I went back into that place and she helped me sense what my body wanted to do but couldn’t at the time. After re-enacting it at normal speed she got me to do it in slow motion. This is where the shift really happens in the brain and nervous system. As I turned to face the attacker using a cushion as an action of striking out to protect myself, my brother’s partner turned into a hologram so I could see through her body. Then she just dissolved completely and no longer existed. I was left standing on the same street at night and everything was now peaceful and normal. Her impact on me was obliterated. Up to that point I’d been in extreme post traumatic stress 24/7 for a year and a half, so it was a phenomenal shift. My impaired breathing started to normalise. I’ve still had many more things to work through, but just wanted to share how the somatic experiencing worked and give you both hope for transforming bad energy back into normal, balanced good energy.

 I have Peter Levine’s Trauma and Memory book already, but it’s great it’s available at that good price. I was interested in the story in it about the little boy with birth trauma because I had birth trauma too. There is such a kindness about Peter Levine and lovely photos of him working with that little boy in the book.

Take care indigo and dig and post whenever you feel you need support.

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Indigo and Eagle Ray, 

Yes indeed, what a battle we have been through! And what a journey of reclaiming our Self. 

It makes sense, Indigo, that you still feel the 'storm' raging inside. I imagine it would take a while to recover from, as you said, the effect of the things that were said and done. It took quite a while for me to recover from my (ex) partner's maltreatment, and my aunty's narcissistic behaviour. I feel that now 4 and a half years on from my father's death: I have processed the grief/loss of my father. I miss him terribly but the grief is not raw and crippling. I keep a BIG distance from my aunt, I haven't seen her for years & have very limited contact with my aunt only through my cousins - good boundaries (!). And, I am now at the point where I very rarely spare a thought for my ex and when a thought does pop up it doesn't trigger me or leave me completely overwhelmed. It did take a long time though. 

And I get it, that it's hard to let go when you don't have the supports around you. I feel for you. It's so vital to feel held and supported when going through this stuff. It sounds like you do have some potential support people - perhaps your neice? nephew? some friends who are not nearby but could offer support from afar?

I'm fairly new to the town where I live. When I first moved here, I had zero support. I really suffered at first, a completely new town, no friends, no family, no stable work & income, no home. It was a very precarious time. I had to kinda build my life from scratch. I couldn't fall apart because there was no one to catch me. Thankfully, I have made a few friends here now, but it did take a few years. But my main support people are far away. My sister is 3 hours away. My cousin is overseas. My old good friends who know me really well are back in the place I grew up in. So what I did when I had my breakdown, is create a Whatsapp group so that when I am feeling down or overwhelmed, I can post a message in the group chat, and one of them is usually available to call or just message me. It has helped me soooooooooo much over the past 18 months. I might have posted about this before in this discussion thread.... I can't remember.... I don't know if that would work for you, but it might help to gather just a few friends and perhaps your neice and nephew into a support group for you. Start building your resources. You don't have to do it alone. I can imagine it might be difficult for you to reach out to others because you have had to tough it out on your own for so long. It can be scary reaching out. But hey, you are reaching out on here, so you know that you can do it  🙂    What do you think/feel about that? I am curious to see how that suggestion lands for you. 

Eagle Ray - I am so glad that you have good support from a psychologist - that is GOLD! I get it that it can take a while to really let go. I have been in therapy on and off for over 20 years and I feel like I am only now starting to really let go. For me, I not only needed a psychologist, but a whole team of people around me! Like a sports star with coaches and trainers and therapists and a cheer squad!!

Take Care, 

dig 

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Eagle Ray, 

That sounds fascinating about clearing the events with your brother's partner and your cousin - through somatic experiencing. Do you find it easier to clear things that have happened fairly recently, compared to the older childhood stuff? I am curious....   Please share if you feel you want to. 

dig

[Eagle Ray]

Hi dig,

Yes, it has been easier to clear those more recent experiences. I can still get moments of anger that come up when I remember them, but more in an empowering way now rather than in a debilitating way as before.

The childhood stuff is harder because it is so profoundly ingrained. I did do a session with my psych on a particular time when my mother really attacked me when I was 30, in a similar way to how she had since I was a child. So working with that energy. We let my body guide the session and the visualisations that came up for me. In this instance with my mother my visualisations and feelings naturally moved to compassion for her. This often happens if I let my deeper unconscious self speak/communicate.

What I would say is the childhood stuff is something I’m chipping a way at. Each time I process something it definitely helps but cannot clear everything at once. It’s a patient working through of things over time.

It’s amazing what emerges at times. When we processed what happened at the funeral with my cousin saying awful things to denigrate my mother and myself, my body went to where Mum’s casket was and a protective golden healing light came down through a window onto me and Mum, protecting us from my cousin’s abuse. Then my cousin imploded so that all that was left of him was a pile of ash on the floor. His brother, who he has always bullied, starts laughing and finds it totally hilarious. Then I find it hilarious and start laughing too. Then all that nastiness from that cousin was destroyed and shown for how childish and pathetic it was. All of this comes to me like a waking dream. None of it comes from my conscious brain. It is through somatic awareness and a shift in consciousness that this all happens. It somehow rebalances things and makes them ok, like the universe is back in order again.

We did an intergenerational trauma processing session in relation to my grandfather’s war trauma. It would take a bit long to explain the details, but I’d been living with lifelong involuntary visions of a violent attack. I’d seen these visions since I was a small child but had no idea what they meant. It was many years later my Dad told me how his father had to kill another soldier at close range to survive in a very horrible way. It’s like I’d inherited the trauma memory. We managed to process this so that the visions and feelings have diminished for me. Would take too long to tell the whole story.

So I’ve been clearing recent events, childhood ones and even intergenerational ones. The stuff that’s most likely had an epigenetic effect, that is it has altered my gene expression in some way, is the hardest stuff to shift. The further back it goes and the more repeat episodes of similar events there were, the harder it is to shift. But bit by bit some kind of shift is happening so as long as I’m moving along with it, I’m happy, even if it’s a slow process which is to be expected with the older, deeper stuff.

Hope that makes sense? Basically I’ve learned that all the innate healing potential is within us, so it’s just tapping into that and letting the mind/body/spirit do its thing as an integrated whole. It knows what to do and seems to naturally unfold in the presence of a safe, co-regulating support, whether that’s a therapist or another person or animal or spiritual entity - different things can work for different people. I connect with a particular landscape near where I live, and even that has acted as a transformative holding place at times.