Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Croix and indigo,

Yes, it was just my sense of humour of imagining wallabies sitting down to breakfast as if they were little furry people. Recently I was sitting at my table and looking out the screen door when I saw two bandicoots bounding along outside. They are called Quendas here and are very sweet little things, though the males can fight ferociously. There are some YouTube videos online of Quenda fights where they really toss one another around. I'm guessing maybe that is the sort of thing you meant about the wallabies being beastly to one another?

indigo, I think it's so great Checkers has you and Puddin as well. I think having another cat present would likely feel stabilising somehow. I find myself imaging you in a cat obstacle course in your house, getting to build co-ordination skills as you step over felines draped in various places. I'm sure it's so nice just having the presence of furry beings again.

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER and Croix,

Croix, that is so strange that the Wallabies liked to taste your ash and coffee, and that it wasn't learned behaviour either.

ER, I got a good laugh reading your imagined breakfast table of Wallabies wearing napkins and using knives and forks, I like your sense of humour.

I had a brief look at DBR but nothing I have read, even what you have written, helps me to understand how it works. It possibly makes more sense for you because of the somatic experiencing but I think it is a bit too in depth for me to grasp (like Stephen Porges Polyvagal Theory was too in depth for me to grasp, Deb Dana helps me to make sense of it to a large degree). I need to understand these things from the layperson perspective otherwise it just doesn't make sense, like a wall pops up in my brain with a sign that says "Way too Complicated" 😅. I think I might understand some of these things from an experiential point of view rather than a theoretical one if that makes sense.

So I have got back to Joan's team and they have forwarded my info to the person who can put me touch with a graduating student, it is now just a matter of waiting to hear from them when a graduate comes up.

I think I have made some progress with Checkers. The herbal remedy does seem to be helping him to self-regulate and he seems a little less tense. He still growls and hisses when he is at the screen door but otherwise he is a bit more calm. I decided to try an experiment with him. We all know how much cats love cardboard boxes, so I found one a bit bigger than him and couldn't find a cushion (I know I have some, no idea where) but I had some felt and some microfibre cloth which I put in the box and sat it near one of the places he has been using. I showed it to him briefly and when I was next in that location, he was in it and has spent the majority of his days and nights in the box. He allows me to pat him when he is in there as well. I think the hands off approach has been working well to ease his fears, we are not out of the woods but making some progress.

There will be a third cat coming to live with me as well pretty soon. My neighbor had Checkers and Kitten and I said I would take Kitten in when the two seniors had settled in. Kitten is about 3 years old, perhaps a little under, is all black except for a tiny patch of white on his throat. He and I are good friends as he visits me regularly and used to come to say hello to Guinevere during her last few months. He is the only cat she didn't react to and I actually think he is the reincarnation of Lancelot, the cat I had at the same time but he had a spinal embolism at 10 years old and they couldn't do anything to help him. Lancelot was such a brat and would pick on Guinevere constantly to the point where I was chasing him around the house with a water spray bottle trying to get him to stop chasing her. Eventually he knew what was coming and would just sit there and squint and wait for the spray. I used to say "do you always have to be such a prick". I had a reading from a psychic I know after he passed and asked if he was alright and she said "he is fine, they are healing him and teaching him not to be such a prick", I nearly fell over as there was no way she could have known that. So I think he has come back to show me that he has learned and will try to do better this time around. Pretty soon there will be nowhere I can walk without a cat obstruction to manoeuvre 😂. Yes, it is good to have furry company again, I really missed it.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hello indigo and Croix,

indigo, I absolutely loved reading about Checkers going into the cardboard box and even letting you pat him in there. The fact you showed it to him beforehand may have helped him know you are a safe person who is supporting him to feel safe. That really is great progress. Having Kitten come to stay as well may also really help Checkers as he knows Kitten already and that may be supportive for him. I'm so glad he has you to care for him. It's such a thing for cats, isn't it, finding hidey places. I remember looking after Fluffy Cat and sometimes I couldn't find her anywhere, until eventually I would find her. One time she was in a pot plant that had shade cloth over it. I actually have a photo I took of her in there. That is funny too about the psychic saying the same thing you were always saying to Lancelot. It's uncanny sometimes isn't it.

I will try to explain DBR as well as I understand it at the moment. When we are exposed to stimuli that can be traumatic, the first thing the brain does is try to orient to the source which is done in the brainstem in the part of the brain called the superior colliculi. If the brain can't process the stimulus as it is novel/unpredictable/potentially unsafe, the next step is the brain goes through a shock which happens in the locus coeruleus, releasing noradrenaline. The next step is the messaging goes to the periaqueductal gray which is where base level emotions such as fear and defensive responses emerge and the autonomic nervous system is signalled to go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn/submit. With models such as Polyvagal Theory and the Window of Tolerance, it starts from this last stage in the process. But with DBR, you are going in under that to the initial orienting and shock responses. By slowing it down like this, you are sitting with the sensations at that level rather than the higher level distress and emotional responses. DBR is about calming the brain down at this primal level so the system learns safety and doesn't have to keep repeating the trauma responses. Apparently so far it is showing a lot of promise with people with intractable PTSD and things like attachment shock, which is very much what I have.

Dr Hannah Young has a 3 part YouTube series on DBR which might help to explain it. The third video explains what happened to me with the EMDR in relation to DID. Normally the cortical structure associated with the sense of self communicates directly with the brainstem with ongoing connection between the two in daily life. But in DID there are thought to be multiple cortical structures associated with multiple selves and these are completely disconnected from the same relationship with the brainstem, even though that's where they emerged in relation to trauma, years and often decades earlier. When I had EMDR done with me, it broke the dissociative barriers that held these cortical structures seperate, thus plunging those structures into a collision with the orienting and shock responses in the brainstem that originally gave rise to them. I felt like I was constantly being electrocuted, my eyes flickered involuntarily, I had adrenaline surges and convulsions, I had extremely strange sensations behind the eyes, in the forehead and the back of the head etc. In fact, I'm still getting most of these symptoms but not so continuously. These are the exact responses that are worked with in DBR, where the system is trying to orient and is going into shock. It has made so much sense for me in understanding what happened. At this stage I'm not going to try to work with a DBR practitioner unless they know DID really well, but my psychologist is very interested in it and I think the work I do with her may work on the same systems anyway. In many ways Somatic Experiencing is doing something similar but is a bit more focussed on the autonomic nervous system, though Peter Levine talks about these primal structures too. You have to go this deep for preverbal and precognitive trauma. Having someone just be with you as you stay present with the original responses can be enough to help the system learn safety. Essentially this is what you are doing with Checkers anyway. To put it simply - love and compassionate presence help the primal brain to begin to transform the repetitive trauma loop into the knowledge of safety. So apparently in DBR therapy there is very little talking by the therapist who is basically holding space for the orienting and shock sensations to be experienced safely and the brain restored to increased levels of regulation.

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. I knew I was going to run over word count, but I think DBR is really just basic intuition around what creates safety and regulation, but provides the knowledge of what the brain processes actually are and the specific neurological symptoms which then helps the client to know what the disturbing sensations are and why they're happening. The process is slowed down as much as possible and the client is encouraged not to go into higher brain processes such as the narrative they might have of the traumatic event or analysing their responses. They stay with the original orienting and shock responses and then these responses get to gradually subside. Apparently 8 sessions has been found to be a good amount for the process to show some lasting, effective results.

Anyway, I will shut up now 🤣 I'm looking forward to hearing about Kitten too. I can see the corridors and rooms of your house getting ever more cluttered with cats 🤣 You have made me look at the dog refuge home for possible adoptees as I get clucky for a pet. Might check out the cat place too. Sending lots of love to you and the felines.

Hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear ER and indigo~

Yr=es that is exactly what I meant by being beastly to each other. One will pick on another who was just sitting htere being completely inoffensive and will go after it with  tooth and enormous back claws. Lots of squealing and fur flying everywhere. 

Then they stop and resume whatever they were doing. There does not seem much damage done, though those rear claws are something to be reckoned with. I had several shirts that had their fronts ripped to shreds while holding down  a wallaby for the vet to do something. X-rays were the worst as I had to try to hold it still in an exact position. The vet did not get off scot-free either :).

Indigo the fact that Checker has taken to the box and allows you to pat him means I think that he finds the smaller space instinctively safer. I remember when we first got Sumo Cat from the rescue place he was in a small foam igloo and that was his hide y-hole away from all the dangers of the world. (As you would know his name at that time was Scaredy-Cat)

Croix

[indigo22]

Hi ER and Croix,

I have heard back from Joan's team who has connected me with a graduate. Leah is going to do a communication with Checkers and if all agree, will do an EFT session with him. Just waiting for her to arrange a time with me.

You are going to think I have lost my marbles and become a crazy cat lady, but I am picking up 2 females from the shelter on Thursday. I can't explain it, I just seem to know intuitively that these 2 females will help Checkers. Neon is 8 years old and is a medium hair Dark Grey/Ginger tabby/torti with areas of white and the most beautiful gentle eyes. Trinity is 1 year old and is a short hair blue/cream tabby/torti who apparently loves her snuggles. They are both low energy and gentle natured which is what I feel is going to help Checkers feel safe. Puddin and Kitten are a bit higher energy so they should be good entertainment for each other (I hope). Now there really won't be anywhere I can walk without a cat to step over or around 😅.

I am glad you are looking at the idea of a pet ER, how goes the search so far? I think the right animal will help you a great deal with your automatic trauma reactions, they are such a calming influence. I loved what you said about Fluffy Cat with her purring next to you like she was holding space for you and offering a way for you to regulate with her while you were going through that experience.

How long did it take Scaredy-Cat to blossom into Sumo-Cat? 

Puddin hid in one of the bedrooms for 24 hours until I decided that was long enough and coaxed him out and gave him a cuddle. He has settled surprisingly well and almost trusted me enough to bare his belly a few days ago, he got halfway there and then changed his mind 😅.

I appreciate the help with understanding DBR, I do understand it a little more now but I am not sure I will ever completely understand it from a theoretical level, my brain just doesn't seem to work that way. I think I would need to experience it to grasp it.

I hope you are both having a good week and Croix, I hope all is going more smoothly for you with the sale.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Croix]

Dear ER snd Indigo

I too hope that you find a suitable companion ER, you so often spoke of fluffycat and the way presence and touch soothed you. 

Indigo, I though I told you how he changed his name, it is here in a post called 'household'

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here/m-p/265320/highlight...

Good luck with the cattery, you are braver than me 🙂

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Indigo and Croix,

indigo, 5 cats 😸😹 !!! That's fantastic. I wish I could see this collection of cats once they are all together. They sound lovely and that they could be just the thing to help Checkers feel more safe. I love their various names too. You've really thought about all their natures and energy levels. It will be an interesting and entertaining household, I'm sure.

Looking at the dog shelter website I saw an older male staffy who I saw there previously and no one has adopted him yet. I know they're not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm partial to staffies having lived with them before. They are such great characters and really bond with their humans. They can be extremely high energy though, but this older fella looks like he's slowed up a bit and just wants a quiet home. I just feel so uncertain about my future and I guess I'm wanting to be a bit clearer before committing to a pet. I did have plans to petsit in the future as a way of moving about a bit and getting some animal time that way. I'm really not sure what I'm going to do.

The DBR, I think it's a kind of intuitive thing of someone just having someone really present with them when they are re-experiencing the orienting and shock responses. It's like that co-presence helps the system to feel safe, and by just slowing down the experience it helps to bring awareness to it, then let it release. This is exactly what my psych got me to do the first time we did Somatic Experiencing to process a trauma from 18 months earlier. It was incredibly effective after we repeated the sequence in slow motion. I'm getting ongoing involuntary shock responses since the EMDR that are connected with very early trauma, so having a way of alleviating that is very appealing to me.

Croix, those seemingly cute little wallabies do sound ferocious. I do remember you mentioning the challenges of getting them to the vet previously. I've seen other species be like that too, where they just suddenly have a go at one of their own kind who is just minding their own business. A few different bird species, including magpies and seagulls, come to mind. I've never seen any wallabies around here, only the Western Grey Kangaroos, which do come right into this unit complex sometimes and feed on the grass.

And, yes, the touch and presence of pets is so special. I do struggle being alone so much. I have a lot going on at the moment including several decisions I have to deal with, so I kind of have to wade my way through those things. I will see how it goes.

Take care both of you and big hugs,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. indigo, I forgot to say that's great about the EFT session with Checkers! I got distracted after I read about the extra cats 😂

[Croix]

Dear ER (with a wave to Indigo)

If you doubts about a pet are based upon uncertainty over moving where you will live that's quite understandable and I'd think a good reason for holding off and doing petwalks as an interim measure.

If on the other hand you are unsure of your own capabilities I'd be most surprised if you were not eminently capable of giving a pet everything it needs. Your underlying nature (and I think there is such a thing despite the various facets you expereince) is too kind and empathetic to let do other than live the life of Riley. Even if you had to be away for a while I"m sure you'd arrange suitable accommodation.

My own philosophy is it is better for an animal to be kept in the best of loving circumstances, and if that means that it's likley to outlive it's owner provisions can be made and a shorter good life is better than the pound and neglect Th.is is something Mrs C and I have been forced to consider as the years have marched on.

I'm also pleased you report that a much slower pace in your treatment looks promising. It sounded terrible before, A complete overload I guess. It took me up to roughly 40 years for some things to come to the surface to be coped with. Conventional CBT had much the same reaction on me as you had been talking about, it's not for everyone.

Croix