Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Croix and indigo,

I understand what you mean by the subtitles now Croix. I imagine the visuals in that film may have helped to tell the story as a lot of it was told through the visuals.

With different alters writing different posts I often don't even know myself until later. When I wrote the post on another thread I was totally unaware of who I was at the time and could only see it on reflection. That can especially happen if trauma triggered. Other times I am co-conscious and can see who's there. It's a very odd feeling watching with some awareness but not being the person in the body. It's close to impossible to explain in words I think.

It's fine to think of me as one person and I realise it's challenging to do otherwise. The understanding of DID now is that all people start off fragmented and only fully cohere into a single identity around the ages of 6-9. However, people with DID stay in separate selves, almost always because early trauma has kept parts strongly separate for self-protection and as an adaptive response. They often don't know this and can go years or decades before realising they've been living through these different selves. Apparently 94% of people with DID have it in a way that's largely imperceptible, not only to others but often themselves as well. Only a very small percentage show obvious shifts such as a noticeable change in tone of voice, accent, mannerisms etc. Many of the media representations, especially in movies and TV shows, present it in a way that is totally inaccurate for most people.

I'm slowly learning to work as a team with my alters and it's actually rewarding when we achieve something. I recently went to a new trauma-informed doctor. One alter, D2, who had just worked through some very difficult trauma stuff with the rest of us supporting him, wanted to be the one to talk to the doctor. He is both extremely sensitive but also good at using his rational brain to make sense of things. It felt right and we supported him and he communicated well with the doctor. He was supported by E, who is the ultra rationalist in the system, who gave him support in communicating information. It's unusual for them to front like that and we are trying to build a more balanced team as T has carried a massive weight his whole life in being the main front person. T is beyond exhausted now but is also still disoriented and suffering a lot which is challenging to witness and we are trying to really support him to let go of intense feelings of responsibility.

It's funny what you say about Sumo getting his revenge by lying on your ankles. Fluffy Cat used to come and plonk herself on the top of my pillow so she was basically half on my head. I got used to the sensation of going to sleep with a cat on my head 😂 If she purred I also got all these vibrations through my head as well. It was sort of like a brain massage. Sometimes she would be right next to my ear and then the purring was extra loud! They are like mini steam trains!

I hope you both have a lovely week. I realised I wished you a lovely weekend in the last post when the weekend was over. Sometimes I have no sense of time.

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER and Croix,

ER, most of your posts are very coherent so mostly impossible for me to tell when we are conversing here. There have been the odd posts over the years that surprised me a little as it seemed like something you had already worked through, it now makes sense that it was one of your alters working through something. I also still think of you as one person, but now have the added awareness that you are actually a team which helps immensely. I have always had a need to understand what those I care about are experiencing, I may never understand completely but I have a much greater sense now so thank you for your patience in answering my questions.

Croix, do you know what breed Sumo is? Or is he a cross breed like Puddin? Cats are so territorial so not surprising that Sumo believes the bed is his territory and you are someone he allows into said territory. I don't know how you can sleep with him draped across your ankles, that would drive me insane, I hate having my feet weighted down by anything.

I want to thank you both for your support with Checkers, I have been thinking that I must be dong something wrong with him until I heard that story from my neighbour. You are both correct, there is a form of feline PTSD and the symptoms mirror all of his behaviour. Avoidance, hiding, aggression, over grooming, he uses the litter tray so that is the only symptom he doesn't have which is a blessing. I can now stop thinking it is me and focus on helping him feel safe and loved, even when he is being aggressive. I will use natural remedies to help him, one I am already using but will increase the dose and the other I have yet to purchase but I am assured these will help him to be more calm and help him self-regulate but I think he will need to be on them long term, possibly for the rest of his life, for him to feel safe and at ease. I have also recently become aware that EFT can be used with animals to shift stuck energy and fear, so I will be looking into that further too. Checkers is my test, and I am up for it. My many years of experience with cats will be indispensable with him. It is no accident that he ended up with me, of that I am sure.

Don't worry about timing ER, we knew what you meant, have a lovely week too.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Croix]

Dear ER and Indigo~

There really is no other way for to regard you except as a single entity, you are always coherent and if you find that one alter has been speaking/writing perhaps that is bringing you all closer together. It is terrific you understand what is happening, and also that if an alter needs support one or more of you may be able to supply it, as in working with the doctor. 

Maybe a team has its advantages.

I asked Sumo what sort of breed he was and he answered "The best - need you ask?". The only cat I know I suspect has the blue blood of royalty.

Good luck with Checkers, I'd imagine it would take quite some time, and may end up regarding you as a comfort, not a threat.

I'll make sure my next weekend is a good one, no point in wasting good wishes.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo and Croix,

Yes, alters are all at different stages and can be triggered in different ways by different things. There is a saying in the DID community that you can only move as fast as the slowest part in the system. You have to remember everybody and not push in a direction that not all the parts can cope with. You do have to work as a team and that does have advantages. If one part is in crisis, the other parts can gather around them to support them. I have really had to learn crisis support on the run, as trauma stuff has pushed through and really floored someone in the system and they are really in a bad way. I've had to improvise a lot, as have other parts. I've also learned that often after I see another part go down, I end up going down next, because of the way I may be interconnected with that part. It is extremely strange, like seeing a crisis unfold externally and then an hour later I'm going through it in my body at a deeply visceral level. The system is really adaptive. There are two adult parts and sometimes a third who have really taken on the role of looking after the "littles" as they are often referred to in DID. These are the babies, children and younger teens in the system. When there is a crisis with an adult part, this group of adults will step up to remove the littles from exposure to the trauma material and take them somewhere carefree and look after them. There is a lot of inner protective work to make sure everyone is ok. It actually amazes me how it unfolds and I've learned to really trust the system.

indigo, that's interesting about the EFT and animals. I just thought I'd mention that my PTSD actually gets triggered by EFT. It took me a while to understand it, but I've realised that even if I am the one doing the tapping, it feels like something is being done to my body against my will, and I think it is repeating the verbal statements combined with the movements that does that. Because of my own reactions, I looked up whether animals can have a similar adverse reaction to EFT if they have PTSD and it said they could, but a way around it is for the human to actually do the tapping on themselves instead of the animal. So I imagine it is like a kind of energy thought transfer. Animals certainly pick up on our thoughts and feelings. I just thought that may be a useful insight if Checkers doesn't like the EFT being done directly on him.You will already be very intuitive with your years of experience with cats so I'm sure you will pick up on his responses quickly. Have you ever come across the work of Anna Breytenbach on animal communication? She's had a lot of success working with animals at a deep intuitive level and solved some significant issues with the health and wellbeing of animals. She has learned how to be in a relational field with animals and sense into their world. I just thought her work might be interesting to look into in relation to Checkers and that it's the sort of thing you might connect with.

Croix, yes, I can imagine Sumo considers himself of regal pedigree 👑😹. I hope you are both in a good place mid week (I think I got my sense of time correct this time).

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I appreciate you reminding me of the EFT - PTSD connection, the thing is that whatever modality I use, I will have to do it remotely as I am staying mostly hands off with him at present. There is no way he would allow me to do EFT on him directly, he would see it as a threat.

I am occasionally able to give his head and chin a rub when he is in a rested state and at meal times, but I need to be consistent with my gentle approach and not force myself on him in any way. He is still growling when he thinks I am walking toward him, usually I am just going from the kitchen to the lounge but of course he doesn't understand that and feels trapped. If I stand still and give him the space to get past me, that usually helps.

I had a brief look at Anna's website and have bookmarked it to go back to, she sounds like a very talented communicator. The persons work I was referring to is Joan Ranquet who has a number of books on her work. I contacted her today by email to get some feedback on which modality she would suggest to help Checkers. Whatever modality, I will use a stand in (a stuffed cat toy or similar) with the intention of the healing going to Checkers. Will keep you updated when I hear something as I know you are interested in these things.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Croix]

Dear ER and Indigo (and any stray cats that might be looking over shoulders)~

ER, it would seem from reading your posts htat this phenomena seems to be in 2 stages. To start with a person 'fragments' (sorry if I'm using the wrong terminology) without trying to do it consciously , in order to protect that person from matters that can't be handled at the time or afterwards.

Now it looks like there is an element of conscious helping between the alters to ease the distress of each. Maybe in time that will bring matters so that the phenomena becomes an esy one or even comfortable one to handle, I hope so.

Indigo, does Checkers have his own place he regards as a safe retreat? I know you mention feeling trapped, perhaps having a refuge might help. Sumo has a place under the bed in the spare room and retreats there whenever tradespeople come into the house (we have had a lot recently)

Croix

[indigo22]

Hi ER & Croix,

Croix, Checkers has been changing his location regularly (they like to try out places for a while until they find their favourites) so yes he does have places he can retreat to. He seems to like to choose the most awkward places to get into. When I hear things banging and falling, I know it's him. I recently moved some things around to make it easier for him with a spot he has been liking and I felt he was grateful for the gesture. He has now moved to another spot where I will need to do the same thing. The only time he feels trapped is when he is sitting at the screen door looking outside and I go from the kitchen to the lounge (which requires walking toward the screen door for a distance before turning into the lounge) it's only because he has no escape path in that location but I do try to give him one and stand still for him. They both like to sit where they know I will want to walk so I have to step over them or around them, it's uncanny how cats just know exactly how to be in the most inconvenient location at any given time 😅.

ER, I heard back from Joan Ranquet's team that gave me a few options one of which is a free reading with a student who is about to graduate Joan's course. Apparently, these students are on the look out for case studies at the time of graduation so I may take up that option as I don't have the funds for a reading with Joan. Availability is dependent on when someone is graduating which could be soon or in a few weeks but I just need to be on the list for when that comes up. I noticed that there are a couple of free resources on her website which I may take advantage of in the meantime and have been interested in getting a couple of her books as well.

I hope you are both having a great day, it is lovely and sunny here so I may get out in the sunshine for a bit.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Croix]

Dear ER and Indigo~

Yes I feel htat I should be treating each alter in a different way, unfortunatly I have no way of knowing who is writing, so you just get a whole of person response. I do not know if this is good or bad . I'd be interested to know how fluffycat reacted, just being relaxed wiht you as a whole, or having preferences (I suspect hte former)

If you do not like me talking about this subject my apologies, just let me know. I benefit from at as a film or two is no substitute for a real person.

Indigo, all my animals seem to do that, generation after generation. I think make it might be a sign of affection, being sure to meet up with you by  using your most traveled paths

The only ones that did not do that were the wallabies who just went wherever they felt like it (including my breakfast table).

Croix

As for choosing the most inaccessible place, that might be on purpose because it is inaccessible.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo and Croix,

indigo, that's great you have the option of a free reading for Checkers from one of Joan Ranquet's students. It's like trying to gain an insight into Checker's inner world. I've recently been researching and learning about Deep Brain Reorienting which is another approach to trauma. Unlike EMDR, which is focussing on beliefs, thoughts and memories, DBR goes into the much deeper brain structures below that. It goes into the primal orienting response in the brainstem, the subsequent shock and the affect (base level emotions that emerge from the shock). My trauma is at that deepest possible level and it's why working on thoughts and beliefs has never helped because the underlying mechanisms still activate as an automated survival response. I don't know if the perspective of DBR would help with Checkers, but I just thought I'd mention it in case it offers another angle in understanding him. I imagine being thrown into a fire would have a massive orienting and shock component. With my trauma there is a lot of shock that was inflicted when very small, so I have to address things at that point of shock, if that makes sense. I spoke to a DBR practitioner a couple of days ago but wasn't convinced she was experienced enough to work with DID, but I'm still finding understanding DBR has been very helpful for me and my inner team. It will be really interesting to see what you get from the reading. There will be mechanisms of orienting, shock and subsequent reactions automating in Checkers' brain and it all happens in milliseconds. In DBR they slow that process down as much as possible to work with the shock, but I'm not sure how that could be done with a cat 🤔 But what I do know for me is that the most healing thing is having someone truly abide with me and be a comforting presence, and Checkers has that with you, and I think these trauma responses can begin to gently unwind in the presence of a compassionate witness over time.

Croix, it's completely fine for you to talk about the subject of DID. You don't need to worry about trying to treat each alter differently (which is impossible over the internet really anyway). Like many people with DID, my external presentation is not very different, even when I've switched internally. This is because the system, long before it even knows it's a system, has learned how to mask to survive in the external world. For years and even decades this masking can even hide the system from the person themselves. I have a lot of co-consciousness so it's likely other parts may be taking in your words even if just one person is fronting. I am learning to voluntarily switch with one of my parts. Until recently, all switching was involuntary. Yesterday, for the first time, I managed to voluntarily switch in front of my therapist to let T come forward and speak to her directly. He has spoken with her before but never through a conscious switch, and was speaking to her many times in the past long before either myself or my therapist knew I had DID. It was a different experience consciously switching in from of someone which involves me having to 100% relinquish control, go into a trance state and let T emerge forwards. As for Fluffy Cat, I'm not sure if she perceived differences or not, but she may have. She certainly was present and responsive when I relived a trauma through the onset of a somatic memory last year and came and purred next to me as it was happening. I listened to a podcast with a woman who has DID saying her dogs change their behaviour when she switches, and often that is what alerts her to the fact that she has just switched. The dogs may suddenly become more playful and active as a different alter comes through.

I relate to the thing about cats and dogs often lying or sitting right in the spot we are trying to walk through. I think your explanation Croix about them hoping to meet up with us through our most traveled paths is very likely. After reading about wallabies at the breakfast table, I just had a picture of wallabies sitting around the table at breakfast, wearing a napkin, holding knives and forks and about to tuck into their bacon and eggs 😂

I hope it is a good week for you both.

Hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear ER and Indigo~

I'm glad I can mention your condition without causing distress, after all as it exists it should be mentioned at times. Reminds me of the early days of hearing voices, something accepted nowadays.

I think your idea of wallabies at th breakfast table is a trifle too anthropomorphic. This is an ingrained unlearned habit. I would come out of a morning with a cup of coffee, light up a smoke and sit and admire the view. In time I'd finish and stub out my cigarette in an ashtray. Then one of the wallabies will hop on the table, lick the ash and stick its snoot in my mug to get the dregs.

This was with no encouragement and as there were times were were no wallabies and when more came the behaviour was repeated - no chance of it being learned. I guess they are naturally dissolute:)

Unless I had to take one to the vet for some in jury or other treatment(a traumatic expereince for all of us) they were pretty friendly with me and absolutely beastly with each other.

Indigo, I agree wiht ER's last idea, that your presence and stable household will itself reduce Checker's trauma reaction 

Croix