Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi ER (👋 Croix),

I know what you mean about the potatoes, I had a favorite one 'Royal Blue' that I would buy before the organic produce, but they don't compare to the organic ones which are so creamy in texture and taste so much better. I will have to try growing the royal blue ones myself as I am sure there will be a huge improvement. It's not only the potatoes though, I noticed everything tasted so much better and was able to leave more stalk on the broccoli because it was not woody and actually cooked properly. They do a few unusual things like flame cauliflower and purple cauliflower, makes it easier to get the rainbow in. Bummed out that cauli and broccoli are not on the menu this time of year, they are two of my favourites.

The seedlings that have taken so far are english spinach, ruby red chard, tuscan kale, beetroot, coriander, mixed cherry tomato, dill, sage and basil but not seeing any parsley, thyme or mint coming through so may need to try again with those. These were just some organic seeds I had got from aldi for less than $2 each but I would also like to get some heirloom varieties as well at some point.

So, I wanted to try to get my head around what DID is like for you and the only analogy I could think of is that your body is the car and you are the regular driver while your alters are passengers with some interacting and some observing quietly and some asleep in the back seat. When one of your alters takes over driving, are you asleep in the back seat each time (hence the amnesia) or are you sometimes observing and/or interacting?

I can only imagine how strange it has been for you these past months getting accustomed to this new way of living. I hope with that analogy, I have managed to find some understanding of DID but I am more than ok with you correcting what I haven't understood correctly. I am so glad that things worked out with your psych, having to start over with someone new is never easy and it sounds like she is doing a good job supporting you through this adjustment.

I hope you have had a lovely weekend and managed to do something relaxing.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo and wave to Croix,

I just googled "Royal Blue" to see what they look like, and they look like the ones I bought. So that could explain why they were extra yummy too - both the variety and the fact they were organic. Yes, these ones I ate were soooo creamy - yum!!! It's a joy to eat great food, isn't it, like it's something special to really look forward to. I love my broccoli and cauliflower too. Those seedlings sound lovely. I wouldn't mind growing food seedlings here but I'm feeling so unsure about my commitment to this place and whether it's worth putting in the effort. But perhaps if I think it's a while before I move I could do something. Yes, getting heirloom varieties would be lovely. I love the interesting heirloom tomatoes.

The car analogy you give is one people with DID often use. It can work multiple ways with me. I sometimes have a blackout with a complete takeover and total amnesia. An example is a few weeks back I was going to watch a specific movie but make a chamomile tea first. I woke up the next morning and thought, oh yeah I watched that movie last night. Then I thought, hang on a minute, did I? The last thing I remembered was going down the stairs to make the tea but realised I had no recollection of the movie. I saw a cup next to my computer. I then went downstairs and found the chamomile teabag, so I had made it even though I didn't remember. I then found I had been photo editing at my computer and hadn't watched the movie at all. My 14 year old alter is the super keen photo editor and he can get totally absorbed in a way that takes over. I obviously switched going down the stairs and completely lost all memory of the planned movie from there, as someone else was now running the body. More commonly though I am either co-conscious, blended or I am able to observe someone else in the body from a distance. Co-conscious means I am with one or more alters at the same time (I even literally see them through my mind's eye) and we can communicate. Blended means they are in the body simultaneously with me in a way that our feelings and emotions are blended up. This can be really stressful and overwhelming if they are going through a lot. Then there are times someone else takes over the body but I can distantly observe. The other day there was a tussle between my distance observing self and T who has been one of the main fronting alters. He really wanted a ham and salad roll at the bakery and was trying to force it, and had more power because he was in the body. I'm trying to eat gluten free and had to work to really get across to him that it was better to eat the sushi. The person in the bakery called me by my known name and that helped me come forward enough in the body to order the sushi, but it was extremely hard to do. T was a little grumpy with me after that because it wasn't what he most wanted to eat. I know that probably sounds insane to a lot of people, but it makes sense when you're on the inside of it. T is sensitive at the moment for logical reasons and I've learned communication and collaboration with parts is everything. I tried to get across to him that eating gluten free is better for everyone as the body has done better without it (though there is quite a bit of evidence that medical and physiological things can vary between alters, so he may have been right on that one and ok with the gluten). It's really complicated and exhausting. It's not unusual for me to sleep for hours in the afternoon because I'm so exhausted.

Sorry, that was a massive paragraph. I hope that made some sort of sense. The system is designed to be covert, so some parts hold specific traumas, some parts are protectors, and some are like gatekeepers who try to ensure what is known or not known within the system and by whom. Each person's role is complex and more than a single label. Everything is based on survival. Some parts have fronted a lot with the outside world while others have been dormant for decades. I can now see 3 key parts were the main front people and I didn't even know. I just used to experience them as different mood states or behaviours and I didn't really understand myself (or ourselves). Some parts are trauma fragments or persecutors who need care and love in order to stop internal persecution.

Anyway, yes, I had quite a good weekend. Today I had an unusually clear day mentally which is a break from the usual chaos and I went for a lovely walk. It was beautiful weather. I hope you had a lovely weekend too 💖

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. There are two short films I can recommend available on YouTube that may help understand it:

Petals of a Rose made my Dylan Crumpler whose mother has DID (This one depicts someone who is largely co-conscious but also is experiencing blending).

Alter which is a Canadian film made by Bugambilia Films (This depicts someone who is experiencing a new alter which starts with confusing amnesia. While I don't have this level of amnesia quite as much, it does happen and I am discovering more amnesia as I go along, as amnesia by its very nature hides from you!).

Two podcasts I can recommend are Healing My Parts (by a therapist who has DID herself) and A Couple of Multiples (two women who have DID and are a married couple and one is a counsellor now).

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I finally got the chance to watch the two short films today and recognise how exhausting it must be for you to work with the different personalities, particularly if one is not on the same page, as you described with the different meal you and your alter wanted. I am not sure I understand how there can be differing physiology between the alters, I may need you to give me more to get my head around that one. I'm sure the amnesia would be very confusing for you, trying to figure out what happened in the time in between being fully conscious.

I read the new post you recently added and was hoping to be able to give you a differing perspective on what you are witnessing and how it relates to you. I know that initially it seems alarming that there would be heavily armed police patrolling areas where you have never seen them before. But as another perspective, the internal need you have for safety is being looked after with their presence, they are doing what they are doing to keep everyone safe. Are you perhaps able to change your way of seeing their presence to a positive thing despite the feeling of a loss of a more innocent time. Things were so much less complicated in decades past but the fact is that at present we are living in a time where all the dark energy is rising to the surface to be seen for what it is and the only thing we can do is try to transmute as much of it as possible to light and ride out the rest of it. It won't always be this way, but it will probably continue for a while longer yet until more of the population wake up to what is really going on. Those who are carrying the weapons and armour to protect us from whatever comes, must be equally afraid for their own lives I would imagine but store those fears away so that they can do their job to the best of their ability. To me, the definition of a hero is having the courage to do what is necessary despite the fear. I hope maybe this helps a little.

I was thinking too about you growing your own food and I think you can do this anywhere and in an uncomplicated way by using things like potato grow bags, buckets with holes in the bottom like I did with the roses, I have also seen manageable sized raised garden troughs at Bunnings for about $28 that would be perfect for some things. This way it is not a permanent set up and should you decide to move, you can take those with you to your new residence and start growing again.

Unfortunately my seeds where looking good but many of them have died off so there is something that I need to tweak before I start over. I recently got an ebook on veganics so when I have a chance to get stuck into it, I am hoping it may point me to what I am missing. But at least I know I can grow seeds, just need the right combo to keep them alive and thriving.

I hope you have a good week and wishing you a restful nights sleep.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Croix]

Dear ER, Indigo and all~

I was a bit confused trying to find the Bugambilia Film however did watch Petals of a Rose, as suitably censored for conferences. Actually I thought the censorship harmed the film as the intimate section was one of the pivotal moments this person had.

I thought the appearance and timing of the alter egos was convincing, and gave a perspective to someone who has not experienced this disorder. I was surprised at the continuity of memory.

I"m not sure the happy ending always happens quite that quickly, but happy is good I guess:)

Thanks for pointing the film out

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear indigo and Croix,

Thank you for taking an interest and watching the films. Croix, the second film  should be able to be found if you google “Alter - DID Short Film” which is how it appears on YouTube. Yes, the character in Petals of a Rose has good co-consciousness between parts/alters. In the Alter film the character has strong amnesia between parts. Over time a person can go from strong amnesia to greater co-consciousness. A good example of this is Robert Oxnam’s book A Fractured Mind. He had total amnesia but over time doing a lot of therapy he became increasingly co-conscious and the parts began to work as a team.

indigo, the difference between the physiology of parts has been found in research studies. These differences include differences in allergies, blood pressure and even eye prescriptions. Alters form very early in life and are compartmentalised from one another, so they literally operate according to their own unique mind/body pattern. The other day I was encouraging one of my alters, T, to be in the body as he’s been feeling kind of marginalised and lost since the system has become more conscious of itself and his role has diminished. He was only there for about 5 minutes but I was just co-conscious enough to feel how tense he is and then the release of that when he left the body. Studies have shown distinct alterations in autonomic nervous system function between parts. Neuroimaging studies have also shown distinct changes in the brain when a person switches between parts. My child parts can have a lot of energy and I can sense when they are pushing through with that in the body. Certain environmental cues can set that off. Robert Oxnam had a teenage part, Bobby, who liked rollerblading while balancing bottles on his head 😂 When Robert was asked if he could physically do this when he was in the body he said no.

Thank you for the suggestions about my other post. It’s sort of similar to what happens in my internal world as there is a lot of darkness there. There are two parts who are like warrior parts who actually belong to another part D1. They are protectors for him because of severe early trauma. They have acted to defend against parts of the system that attack other parts internally. What I’ve learned from my system is they are an interim measure only, and ultimately as a system we have had to transmute the energy, just like you say. Two of my inner persecutor parts were repetitively causing harm in the system. In both cases they ultimately needed love and understanding, and as that was provided they gradually relinquished their impulse to attack. One of those parts has now fused back in, so is no longer a part. The other, who was previously like a thug, is now the most docile, gentle giant. So what you say makes sense. What happened the other day was I/we were trauma activated and the person who wrote that post was T, who was so frightened as he feels responsible for protecting the system as a whole. It’s actually good he reached out for support though, as it’s unusual for him to ask for help. That is progress for him.

Yes, I’ll see how I go with growing vegies. I feel I’m dealing with so much it’s hard to do new things at times. With your seedlings, I wonder if they had collar rot? That’s what affected some of my seedlings that I grew at home years ago. How are your cats going indigo? And how is Sumo Croix? I always enjoy hearing about pets.

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER and Croix,

That's really interesting about the physiology and neurology. So the parts that are younger would hold the characteristics of how your body and mind were at the time they formed and compartmentalised. It's a very intricate condition you are working with, so much to learn and adjust to. The complexity of what our mind and bodies are capable of doing to ensure survival is quite astonishing. Do you feel you now know all your parts now or are some still to reveal themselves to you?

You may be right about the seedlings, I suspect I may need to mix something like perlite with the coconut coir, hopefully the ebook will have some info on that. It would be ideal to have compost ready to use for them, but that will be a few months away, I need to get that up and running first, also thinking of getting a worm farm going in the meantime. I just don't trust the products that are on the market, most have animal product and those that don't, have some sort of synthetic fertiliser in them.

Puddin is going well, I have managed to get him down to almost the healthy weight he should be. I took him to the vet a couple of days ago to get him weighed and get an opinion on how much more he needs to lose. He only needs to lose 300-500gms now so really happy with his progress. He is such a clown and there is nothing graceful about this cat. He likes to hide himself beside something so when I walk past, he comes up behind me and cuffs my ankle, no claws so its just playful. He is so awkward when he jumps on the bed, 9 times out of 10 he will jump and land on my feet then gets a fright because where he landed is not solid bed and does a side jump to a clear spot. You would think he would learn but apparently not, it is quite amusing. He follows me around when he isn't sleeping which is lovely except when I am trying to do something like making dinner as I have to keep checking where he is so I don't accidentally step on his toes or tail (which has happened a couple of times), his tail is never still so it's pot luck if I miss it or not sometimes. The funniest thing I saw him do one day is watching him cleaning himself and he spotted something moving out the corner of his eye and tried to get hold of it, turning himself into a ball and then doing a 360 degree roll before realising he was trying to get hold of his own tail. Such a clown 😂.

I am having more problems with Checkers though, he is not an easy cat and has been quite aggressive with me at times. I was gaining his trust until one day I realised he was not behaving in his usual way and was off his food. The next day I put him in the carrier (not happy at all about that and I got shredded and bitten) and took him to the vet. They checked him over and the only thing they found was that he has allergy to fleas. I knew he'd had a skin condition but the source was unknown to me. Well I have been in the bad books ever since, any time I walk toward him (except when food is involved) he growls to let me know not to get too close. He hangs out at the back of the house (the furthest away from me he can get) and just doesn't trust me anymore. He is going to be a long term project I'm afraid. I tried to pick him up to give him a cuddle recently and he growled and screamed and scratched and tried to bite before I put him down and realised we are a long way from that level of interaction. I got some herbal calming remedy which I am using in his food each day to bring the level of hostility down a bit and that seems to be having an effect so just taking it slow for the time being so he doesn't feel threatened. I was talking to my neighbour about his behaviour and she told me something that totally explains his lack of trust. She said when her mother had him, her mother had one of her psychotic episodes and was convinced Checkers was a demon and threw him into a fire. That kind of trauma is something he would not forget so I need to let him go at his own pace when it comes to trusting me again. He will come around eventually, I just need to be patient in the meantime. He is looking a lot better with his weight now and his skin is slowly getting better with the natural supplements I am using in his food to build up his immune system.

I hope you are both having a restful weekend.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Croix]

Dear ER and Indigo,

Thanks for the directions, I found "Alter - DID Short Film" which presented an entirely new problem (apart from no subtitles:(, not being able to remember who had just "vacated" and if there was a 'core' person who was trying to put it all together -I presume there was. 

To start with I thought it might be frightening, however as it seems all alters are in some way benevolent or protective it comes down to frustration, understanding what they  were tying to to, and practicality -no groceries as another alter was busy or did not think of them

The diaries seemed a good idea if each alter contributed. A very hard way to live and I think understanding support is very necessary for the characters in  both films

Once again helping me gain a little insight -ta.

Indigo, cats have such different characters and I guess some can even have PTSD for past trauma.  You are obviously regarded as a necessary part of life by Checkers, and that is an excellent start. Not running away completely and going solo.

I guess it just takes pacience and perseverance. I'm glad the skin conditions is improving

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Hello indigo and Croix,

indigo, I have a sense there are more alters there. Officially there are 17 active ones at present, but two others have appeared, initially in visions. One of them has also been present with me in daily life. He was actually telling me I should prune my lemon tree and I said "I know" 😂 The other is a rebellious teenager who is probably marginal at present because that part of me would be repressed, as I was not rebellious which was part of my trauma survival mechanism. So she may emerge more into consciousness - will see what happens. If I count those last two, then there is 19 now. It becomes very clear when they are definitely on board. You cannot remove them, they will keep reappearing. You have no choice but to build relationships with alters and understand their meaning in the system.

Thank you for those reflections Croix. I'm not sure what you meant with the subtitles for the Alter film and I'm wondering if you saw a non-English version. Anyway, I can imagine it sort of made sense still. As for a "core" person, some people with DID actually don't have one. I've been confronted with the reality that that may be me to an extent. The person typing this, Eagle Ray, is not quite the person who mostly fronted in the body most of my/our life. I realise I've had some presence, but 3 others were largely running the show. I'm a bit of an overseer I think, like one of the others, D1, who is like an overseer and something of a gatekeeper. I'm coming more into the body now but that has meant a massive adjustment for T who is really struggling with his role beginning to shift. My whole sense of identity has been altered and I don't know entirely how it will end up, and I don't know from day to day who is going to be present and active in the system. Sometimes I lose time as someone else is active. It can be quite exhausting and chaotic. I've practised using different coloured textas for different alters to write down their own experiences. It's a very in depth journey working with them. My amnesia is not as marked as the person in the Alter film, but it's still there and more than I initially thought. I think I've been semi-co-cosnscious for a long time with other parts without realising it as I could sense them in the body, but it's very complex. I know I exist, as other alters call me by my name. There is an infant version of me and one of the child alters looks like me, but no one else does.

indigo, Puddin sounds so delightful. I loved the description of how he jumps on the bed and is slightly thrown by the presence of your feet that he keeps landing on but doesn't seem to be able adjust his launching skills and co-ordination to do things differently 😂 I can relate to the story about trying not to step on his toes and tail, especially in the kitchen. I lived with a doggy who used to sneak up and sit right behind me while I was making dinner, and poor thing would yelp the few times I stepped backwards onto his paws. They don't seem to realise we can't see them. It's great Puddin is making really good progress with his weight loss.

That is so sad what happened to Checkers and totally understandable that he would have those reactions to being picked up and going in the carrier. Poor thing. I think Croix is right that animals can get PTSD too. I think consistency over time, which I know you will provide, where he just keeps getting signs of safety will help him to gradually de-escalate his reactive responses. I'm glad his weight and skin are improving. He is lucky to have you to look after him. Maybe as he sees Puddin being comfortable with you it will help too and he will get the idea that things are safe in his new home with you.

May you both have a very lovely weekend too 🤗🐱🌼🌿🌸💖

[Croix]

Dear ER and Indigo~

The reason I mentioned subtitles is becuse my hearing is a real handicap, and prevents me from weaving many things becsue htey do not have subtitles. I managed ot get hte sense of that film thogh missed some of the dialogue. 

While you write that one particular alter is writing one post here and another does another post I'm not sure I can tell the difference, maybe I'm not perceptive enough. I guess the fact you are realizing more of what has happened each day is making you into the core person, I'd hope so. Although I realise I'm interacting with a number of alters I still think of you as one person.

Indigo, if Pudding jumps on the bed and you  are already there you're lucky. Sumo believes he is hte rightful owner of the bed, and it is a question of me having a dispute when I come to bed and have to push him over towards one side. He has his revenge by coming back and lying over my ankles, which feels about the size and weight of a small sack of cement.

Croix