Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo,

Thank you for your support. Yes, I do think my boundaries need further strengthening. It seems to be the case that I still become a target when someone else is frustrated and wants to lash out.

With the first friend, she has profoundly lacked boundaries herself. It’s reached a tension point in her life where I can see she is starting to crack due to not articulating her needs and setting boundaries with her closest people. Sooner or later the pressure of that has to come out or do something. I did express to her after a certain point I needed to leave and I could see the “caught out” look on her face in relation to her passive aggressive behaviour. But I didn’t articulate specifics at the time about how her behaviour was affecting me or query what was happening for her, as others were present and I thought maybe it was best not to generate possibly more conflict. She was so on edge I was expecting possibly a blind rage if I did try to say more. It’s uncharacteristic for her but possibly a stage in her own development where she is learning to at least feel her anger but loses control of managing it appropriately. I think it would be good for me to address the effects of the behaviour with her though while also showing compassion for her situation. But let her know that behaviour isn’t ok. It’s been a common experience for me that someone feeling disempowered chooses me to attack so I need to project in a way that says no, you can’t do that to me.

The other friend was extremely challenging previously and I’ve had several friends like that. I know it would not be healthy for me to re-engage. I’ve had several people with bpd who have spent time in and out of the psych ward who I have supported. I’ve talked them down from their dysregulated states in the middle of the night, coped with incessant messaging, been subject to reactive rage if I’m not acting and responding in the exact way they want me to, had one of them literally acting in a stalkerish manner when I tried to set boundaries (parked outside my home at night, leaving gifts on my doorstep), spent time with them in the hospital etc etc. Several of them I advised at certain times I didn’t want them to visit and they showed up anyway. I can’t do it anymore! 

And I think this all comes down to my childhood conditioning. I was made to be responsible to others, especially my mother, while totally negating my own needs. The consequences of not doing so were brutal so I learned to comply. My CPTSD gets triggered by these people and I find myself wanting to get in my car and drive to some place remote to get away again, which is classic CPTSD avoidance, but it does often help me to do that so I might go somewhere for a bit. It prevents me locking into a freeze response. Anyway, working on it and sorry for my rant. Thank you for your response indigo 🙏✨

[indigo22]

No need to be sorry ER,

This is clearly having a negative effect on you and talking about it is a good way to lessen the tension.

I totally get that this stems back to your childhood. I think what you need to remind yourself of is that you are not healed enough from your own experiences yet to take on someone else's mental health issues. By doing so, it will only delay your own recovery. Saying no to helping others who need more help than you alone can give is not selfish, it's a way of saying that you love yourself enough to not take on more than you can deal with emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. There is only one person you are responsible for and that is you. I know you didn't have a choice when you were a child and I am so very sorry about what you experienced, but you do have a choice now, so choose your company wisely and be kindest to yourself.

Sending you a big warm hug,

indigo 🤗💜

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you so much indigo,

I think you have reminded me of what I really need to hear, which is I need to focus on my own healing instead of trying so hard to support others. I've had a few possible projects planned for the next couple of months and one of them was specifically to do with helping and supporting others. It's a project I started a while back but didn't get to complete. I can't really explain it without revealing my identity, but it would involve a huge energy expenditure on my part with a focus on others. Other project ideas I have are more personally creative ones and directly stem from my own healing journey. I'm starting to realise that's where I need to go -  whatever is the most healing for me. My sense is that when you actually do what you really want to do in your heart, you automatically heal others anyway with whatever you create/generate in the process.

I get frustrated with my own triggers and wish I wasn't emotionally triggered by aggressive behaviours from others. But I suspect the more I am doing what I love in life the less impacted I will be over time. I think caring for the self becomes a way of insulating against external forces that can be harmful. I'd like to wake up each morning and think "what adventure am I going to take myself on today?" and just enjoy life. I have a number of health issues I'm aiming to heal including ones that are supposed to be "progressive", but I think I've already managed to turn some of that around and I want to heal as much as possible. That won't happen unless I nurture myself first.

So thank you indigo for your support, encouragement and wisdom 🤗💖

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

I hope you don’t mind me asking here, but how did you navigate things going haywire after the EFT? It’s good to know things eventually settled. I had my first session of EMDR on Monday. Although it felt strange I could feel it neutralising the distressing effects of what I was processing so things seemed ok and it seemed to be working. I felt quite balanced in the hours that followed. But later that evening I could feel myself becoming numbed out. The next day I couldn’t feel either positive or negative emotions, except for intermittent bursts of distress. Today I got progressively worse with severe emotional flooding. I’ve been in contact with my psychologist and rang the Blue Knot Foundation this morning and Lifeline this afternoon. Everyone was helpful but I still feel either distressed or numbed. This can apparently happen with EMDR but it’s felt truly intolerable today. The full impact of many multiple prior traumas has hit me at once. Was this anything like what you experienced?

I think EFT can be a little similar to EMDR. Somatic Experiencing has been such a safe and helpful therapy for me overall but so far EMDR is brutal. I’m not sure I could do it again at the moment but I hope maybe I will see an actual improvement in the coming days.

I hope things are going well and that you may have had some lovely weather for gardening ☀️🌸

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Sorry to hear what you have been going through with the EMDR. Things did go haywire but in my case it was physical reactions rather than emotional. What did your psych say when you spoke with her?

I had a session with my psych last week and she did vooo with me. She then got me to do an exercise with my eyes which is supposed to signal the nervous system that you are safe. I am not sure if you would be up for it but its a simple and slow movement using your peripheral vision. First look straight ahead and soften your gaze. Then look to the far right and keep your eyes in that position while you slowly move your head to the right as far as it will go. Then slowly return to straight ahead. Then do the same thing with the left side. After that she got me to meditate in my safe place.

Not sure if any of that will be of help but may be worth at least going to your safe place for a while. Perhaps your inner child is panicking and needs to feel safe.

You could also try some vagus nerve activation breathing to reset your nervous system. The one I use is taking a very deep breath, hold it for a few seconds, then release as slowly as you can. Do that a few times whenever things begin to bubble up and you should feel a difference in your stress levels.

I hope some of this help ER and I hope you start feeling better very soon.

Sending you warm comforting hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you indigo 🙏

Thank you for reminding me about the vooo technique. I’ve often used it in the past but not thought of it in the last few days. I might try the peripheral vision one but maybe not tonight. Anything with eye movements feels a bit triggering to me right now. I’m familiar with the vagus nerve activation breathing so will try that before sleep. In fact I’m sort of trying it now while I type this.

My psych and I emailed each other at the same time today with awareness of the same info - namely that my system is passing through the same nervous system activation that it went into when it froze all the times I was abused as a child, as it has to pass through this activation when coming out of the freeze as well. The EMDR brought down my protective dissociative barriers a bit too suddenly and too much, so my system went outside the window of tolerance in one direction (numbing) then in the other direction (extremely activated distress). I’m slightly better at the moment. My psych wants me to contact her tomorrow to let her know how I’m going. I really hope to feel better tomorrow. It was very scary today. I felt like I had a brain injury.

I’m glad you have been learning those useful techniques with your psych. I hope you had a good session with her. Thanks again indigo for the grounding and calming suggestions 💖

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

If it helps ER, it took 3 days for my nervous system to stop reacting so violently. What you said about it being too fast and too much makes a great deal of sense to me, I think that happened with me also. We just had a different type of reaction albeit just as violent.

I hope you get some good sleep tonight.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you indigo. It sounds like your body really reacted. I have physical reactions too but they are very connected with strong emotions. There has been a lot of trapped energy in the solar plexus and heart areas. That’s obviously where a lot got stored in relation to certain kinds of trauma.

I know I must be starting to feel better as I just laughed out loud at Croix’s joke in the joke’s thread. I didn’t think I was going to ever laugh again.

Sleep well 😴 It will be late where you are. Have a lovely day tomorrow 🙏🌼

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

How are you feeling today? Glad you were able to laugh, it's good medicine.

I remember having a very emotional response while I was doing the EFT, almost an emotional overload at the time. Then for the next 3 days my body was releasing toxic residue (I assume) with 18 visits to the loo in 3 days. My gut was giving me griping pain and I was pretty exhausted, luckily it began to settle after that. But I do still have days when my gut is cross with me, despite trying to give it everything it needs to function well. My psych thinks that this is probably due to the nervous system being still on alert which is why she went through those exercises with me.

Hey, I'm all for healing, it would just be nice if it felt like healing rather than low grade torture 😅.

I hope you are improving.

Hugs,

indigo

[Croix]

Dear ER and Paws~

Oh dear, if you laughed at one of my jokes the situation must be truly serious, all I can suggest is to paraphrase a whole heap of authors attributed with "Whenever I feel the urge to laugh I lie down quietly until it passes"

Paws, have you considered if you ever do another course letting you therapist know about your gut pain. I get the same thing due to stress wihtout the benefit of EFT and my psych prescribes medication that works surprisingly well.

Croix