Hi, welcome back
A tough situation. My last relationship spanning 10 years was similar in that she gradually became dependent on alcohol so each evening she'd get abusive and often end up slapping me. My teenage kids, one living with us the other with her mother and visiting every 2nd weekend, didnt like their step mother as they couldnt do anything right and were never praised. So after 10 years she one night was about to slap my 13yo simply because she was "too quiet"... that when we left.
Since then I've had the view that my own boundaries can never be crossed because that would result in me not having boundaries. Without them I would be a target "he'll put up with me" scenario. We end up a object to abuse. I dont know about your trip overseas at this time, its your decision of course but I'm sure family will understand if you paint the picture.
The relationship before that step mother was my 1st wife that marriage went for 11 years and two kids 7 and 4yo when I left. But a week prior I'd fallen as low mentally as I'd ever been and made an attempt on my life. My dads words "better to be the best part time dad than no dad at all". So I did, built my house on my own which was great distraction and made a life for myself. I'm sorry to paint a bleak picture but abuse is a topic close to my heart and I know its likely not a sustainable relationship in the long run.
Poisoning the childrens minds is something that is so wrong and all you can do is counter it with facts. Sadly its not illegal to manipulate. If you simply keep being a good father your kids will eventually be convinced her demonising of you is factually wrong. Action will speak louder.
Unfortunately some marriages end up with a "familiarity breeds contempt attitude from one spouse. This is where the initial love and support has died and you are left with - an enemy.
What I would advise is to seek a family solicitor for a first free consultation for guidance on your situation, the alcohol, the demonising and your options in separation in term of the children. Certainly you wouldnt want to separate then the kids wont want to see you because the demonising has become more effective and they dont visit at all. If they are mid teens your tolerance might last till they are 18yo and such a separation could lead them to live with you.??? lots of topics there.
I'm glad you wrote in, I've offered little comfort because such situations usually dont have clear answers. But keep a daily log hidden of the conflicts, the alcohol consumed and the manipulation, if you need to go to court you'll at least have that account of the life you had to tolerate. The final bit of advice is to go to counselling and if she wont go then attend on your own. It's certain when you return home she'll want to know what happened, dont tell her on the basis that she can go with you next appointment. Stay on that and she might change her mind and accompany you.
I hope you're ok
TonyWK
