Feeling very trapped in life

[Steve]

Hi..

I've been and gone on this site for many years now as I have suffered intermittant depression, anxiety and various other symptoms. I'm lost now. I've burned through a handful of psychiatrists, a larger handful of shrinks, and been on all sorts of medication. Have also had a stint in a private psych hospital last year for 'depression'.

Um, so I'm male, 35 and have had depression since my late teens. I've been on anti-depressants for years but it seems like my moods stablise for a while..then I go back to where I was.  I think the depression is a result of all my other problems, things that I've only started to notice, such as mood swings, anxiety . My current psych diagnosed me with an "undetermined mood disorder", I've been snapping at my partner for months for no reason, I've turned away the last remnants of my friend base and I really dislike social circles. I'm only just coping at work - I am in technical sales consultancy so need to act like an extrovert - and do - but it's all a scam. I'm empty, confused, agitated and lost inside, both professionally and personally. I sit at work and pretend to act busy because I am just sick of trying to create smalltalk with people.  Social situations scare me a little and I can't trust anyone and a lot of social interactions and building relationships with people doesnt make sense to me, I have felt like I was meant to be born on a different planet for most of my adult life.

I'm intermittantly more depressed and anxious at times than others. I have a really bad image of myself in my mind and cant shake it, I vomit some of what I eat up nearly every day because it feels so good afterward (the feeling of punishing myself) especially when I eat unhealthy stuff. My psychs (normal one and the one at the clinic) both know this and they havent done anything about it, they seem to think it's just a anxiety thing. 

Did I mention I have like, hardly any interests? I suppose that's a 'feature' of depression. I go to the gym and have been obsessing over property investing at the moment but that's it. I dont have any friends either to share these interests with, so do them myself. Its as if I don't even exist and I'm not sure I like it that way or not.  I keep thinking about myself at 60 looking back on my life and seeing what I could have done differently.  What little friends I do have that I do talk to are all on Facebook adn are in different cities, and for some reason they're all female (?).  I often have low (no) sex drive but occasionally get huge bursts of sex drive for some reason.

As I've got no friends or family to talk to about any of this stuff and I don't think my girlfriend/partner understands all of this really, here I am again. I sure as hell dont I just feel like I'm suffering and sick of it. Trapped is how I feel. And resigned. I can't stomach the thought of going back to my psychologist again so soon after dealing with one praticular subject to go around what I feel is like a huge cycle through my life again. I went to my psychiatrist recently and told him everything was great on my current med, and at that moment in time it seemed to be. I feel like a hypocondriac and a total waste of resources going to yet another different psychologist or doctor. Going to more of these people, or the same ones again, just doesn't seem to possibly achieve anything.  The power of positive thinking seems like a huge disillusionment right now.

I'm angry at the world for abandoning me and leaving me to fend for myself. I've been trying to communicate my feelings for years and it feels like nobody's interested in listening anymore. I thought I had dealt with issues about growing up an overweight, only child in a dysfunctional family with little support network and years of bullying but obviously I'm just coping, I haven't dealt with them, I want to burn down my old school and physically harm people from my early life. I wrote a horrible email to my old high school recently accusing them of not exerting a duty of care and turning  a blind eye for when I was at school. I have no idea what the poor person thought when they read. I've completely disconnected emotionally from my last immediate family member, my mother, and I dont know if its because I am blaming her deep down for that stuff or if I am angry for something else. I called her last weekend because it was Easter. It was the first time I had since Xmas.

Life with my partner is on ice. I feel like I cant live without her and cant decide whether I truly love her - I thought I did but really I dont think I know really what love is. She wants to have kids with me, I think she's mad but I'm going along with it anyway because secretly I am dying to have kids but I am absolutely terrified of bringing kids into this world and treating them the same way I was treated when I was little.

Suicide, you betchya. I fantasised it a lot last year and that's how I ended up at the clinic. Now I'm fantasising about it again.  And I feel trapped. I want to abandon everything in my life and run.. but I don't know where...or to what. 

[Ruth_M]

Hi Steve,

Thanks for your post on the forum. It sounds like things have been really tough for you for some time, and that it’s been hard for you to feel heard and understood. Here you will find many others who have struggled with similar experiences of depression, family issues and suicidal thoughts, so know that you are not alone, and that people understand.

It does sound like things have become a lot worse in the last few weeks…feeling increasingly angry towards people in your past, and fantasizing about suicide again.

Please don’t sit with these feelings on your own, but talk to your treating team about what is happening so they can help you get the right support to get through this. If you are feeling at risk of hurting yourself or anyone else, please don’t wait to call someone to talk it through, so they can help you make a plan to stay safe until things start to feel better. This might be your treating team, or after hours, you can call the beyondblue Support Line on 1300 22 46 36 or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

With the right support, depression can be treated, and things won’t always feel this bad. But please do let others help, and keep us posted with how you are getting on.

With best wishes

Beyondblue team

[geoff]

dear Steve, I had spent 30 min in replying to you and when I wanted to post it there was an error and I don't think it has gone through, sorry mate, I will try again, but the second reply you always miss important comments, please bear with me. Geoff.

[sunnysideup]

Hi Steve

You have described me but the female version and I have 2 kids (4 and 6) and fear they will get my illness. Please don't have kids, it makes life complicated. Get a puppy!

I am everything you describe but I have good body image, however don't show it off and shy away.

We will always have this illness and the sooner we accept that and find ways to cope then the better life gets. My coping mechanisms change from year to year. currently not on any meds and have tried to do natural herbal meds (jons wort, magnesium etc) and I think it worked for me but not working any more so its time to go back on dr's meds.

I know that if I am helping people that need help that makes me feel better. I like hiking and that's an amazing moral booster.

We have to accept that we will derail often and we need something to take our minds off it like cooking, walking, watching funny movies.

Look out for people who inspire you, read their biographies, find happy funny people and it will change your thinking.

Last 4 days have been a black hole and haven't wanted to live but today is OK. I have told my partner to read about mental illness so he can equip himself. He is great and my rock. He is always happy (sometimes good but sometimes I hate him for that).

We have to train our brains to take the happier path. List all your favourite things, music, foods, or discover new things to learn about.

I have recently lost my job (been 5 months) and had a falling out with my in laws that they will disown me about for ages. My sister in law is such a strong character and not a person that I would hang out with. My friends and family live in Uk and everything I used to like are there. so have little support here.

I have made friends with a few new friends here and I think they get me. I am about to tell them I struggle with life but it's risky isn't it.

Not sure if  I love my partner either or is it just the illness that makes you push them away. I think I would be worse on my own but then at least my kids would nt have to witness this crap illness.

I am rambling now. Its hard to write about this yet harder to talk.

I hope you get yourself back on the path more often than off it.

Suicide means you have let the illness defeat you. You don't know whats on the other side!

[Amg86]

I feel the same. I feel trapped. Everything you have written. I don't have the energy to write.

have you found your way through since you wrote this?

[geoff]

hi Amg, it is so difficult to be able to write down what is troubling you, because you are not sure what you should say, that doesn't matter one bit, there are people who can only write a sentence or two before they know that no one is going to criticise you, that's not what we would try and do because if we did then they won't come back to the site again, and that is as far from our mind as possible.
It's a site to help, listen, understand, and support everyone who posts in because you and us have been through or still suffering from any foprm of depression.
I am not going to send you a long reply because you maybe lacking concentration and this only because you aren't feeling well.
Please I implore you to trust us on this anonymous site, so take your time and just write down what you feel you are able to do. Geoff.

[Starwolf]

A warm welcome to you, Amg.

Emptiness, anger, over thinking, confusion, battle fatigue, social isolation and this awful feeling of being stuck...yes, all those depression by-products and more are familiar to many of us.

Although I have moved on, I know what lacking the motivation to get out of bed feels like. I remember the loneliness and terror, the all-consuming anger and despair. How could one forget ?

These days, the traumatic past is still there but it remains in the background, where it belongs. The proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is not a myth after all...even if during those dark days I thought it was only a figment of some fool's imagination.

Deciding to reach out is a courageous step forward. Please feel free to post as much and as often as you feel comfortable with. Here you are in full control of what you choose to share...or not to. You are safe and understood.

[Zinnia]

Steve, Im feeling many of the feelings you are experiencing too.

The root of many of these feelings being a sense of helplessness and passivity. I get that because I do feel helpless and resigned. Struggling against it feels exhausting and I dont like the person I become when Im trying to deal with it. I also feel unproductive, I waste time, then Im cross with myself, but I find it very hard to focus and cant see the point anyway 😉 I feel guilty and an imposter because others say Im good at my job. I dont know how to go about managing or defeating these feelings, but I guess knowing they are there and understanding them is a start. I know that feeling, where youve gone over it so many times youre a bit fed up of hearing yourself say it all and you feel like youre just whinging 🙂 It makes me feel worse, like Im pathetic, I cant stand hearing myself. Its different though, talking to people who also feel that way. Ive also been told, join groups, get more friends etc, but actually I dont really enjoy that stuff, and getting more friends is hard. Ive come to the conclusion that finding something I enjoy and doing that is more important even if I do it alone. Im lucky I have a great partner, but I dont feel I deserve him, and that makes me a bit ambivalent, I guess Im waiting for him to wake up and realise Im not good enough for him and leave, especially as Im getting older.

[Weiss_May]

This is a pretty late reply to anything but, i am a 17 year old female, who can relate to your statement, if that's what it is, i'm not sure...but I have had depression since i was 8, I have a dysfunctional family, a poor education (on my behalf) and since i was 12, have been feeling lost and completely useless... but its gotten worse over the years where now, instead of feeling lost, i feel different to everyone else.. like i'm not really human, and everything i am doing is wrong, i don't find anything interesting, i cant do relationships because i always have a habit of pushing people away because its like i'm just using them and its hard to figure out if i like them, its hard to connect to people even my own family and its like im always pretending in front of everyone, like i pretend to know and understand everything at school but i have no idea, my mother could talk to me about something and i wouldnt even notice, i zone out alot to everything, i rather be locked away in my room doing nothing but starring at a wall (which i can do hours on end) i dont see people or tell anyone bc everyone likes telling everyone everything,.. and basically i feel like a mess and i dont really know.. i guess im looking for an answer to how i am feeling but that isnt really going to happen bc no one can solve how you think or feel but its worth a shot.

[Billyc]

Hi Steve,

your not alone,

very well articulated post,

im sorry your going through it.

i wish you the best in dealing with your challenges, i have come here and found it a safe place to express, share and support where I can.

i hope you can find the same.

Yiur bot a fraud, your not hopeless, maybe a little lost? Me too

stay here a while and speak with some great people,

I wish you well