I'm not sure what to write, but I am sure it will come out when I type.
I've been in a dark hole since my mothers demise; this was in 2012. It was very sudden death and in no way (at the time) I could predict it. I was at the stage of my life when I was finding myself as a teenager of 14~. I have had about six deaths of family and friends and it's gone to the point that I avoid being close to people--this is a conscious thing.
This developed hatred, especially when people 'promised' to be there for you, but instead they use you or forget your existence. I avoid all dating and relationships because I fear they would hate me. I am now 22 and finally getting my life back together. I have been jobless since 2015, and luckily I have a family that endures me.
For once in my life, I'm handing out resumes. I studied I.T and Networking in 2018 and my goal now is to study a degree in Computer Science. I'm incredibly self-conscious and I'm always thinking of failure and how pathetic I am. My knowledge of anxiety is that it's normal; balance is key, apparently. Anxiety [fight or flight] is normal with the evolution of Humans.
To counter this, I set up an experiment and say 'Yes' to most things I would say no to. The problem is, I still feel down, I feel pathetic because I have to do these experiments and that must affect my pride or something.
Is this normal? Is there any other way to self-improve? I've been trying but it feels I'm not getting anywhere.
Dealing with so much death and loss would be enough to cause anyone some issues and sadness.
Would yo consider seeing a counsellor to help you to find ways to deal with the past and to move forward?
If you do have a conceived failure, can you stop your thinking, tell yourself you have tried the best you can in that situation and next time you might tackle that situation differently.
I know I expect too much of myself at times even in very little things. We need to accept we can only do the best we can at any particular moment.
Congratulations on seeking work, that is great. Hope you manage to secure a position soon and work through how you are feeling.
Cheers from Dools
Hello. Nice to meet you and welcome to the forum.
I can understand why you avoid being close to people. We do not expect a parent to pass away when we are in our teens and that must have been a huge shock. Please accept my condolences. Then to have a number of people pass away must make your world feel very lonely and scary.
Mostly people are not unkind but it is hard for others to understand how these deaths have affected you. Then when you have found someone who appears to have your interests at heart only to find they have forgotten is very painful. You have been through a bad time.
I like the way you try to help yourself. It's not pathetic to think something through and make a decision to actively work on it. Just as it's OK to decide not to go ahead with something. As you said, you are not saying no to everything. The result is that you have completed a course and that has given you an incentive to start a degree. Well done. Taking small steps is the way to go.
Believing we are failures is a common trait in humans. Your friends may appear to have it all together but they also have their doubts and fears. If you want to know more about anxiety go to The Facts tab above and explore from there. I see you know about flight and fight. There is also freeze when we get so overwhelmed we do nothing. That is also a common response.
Believing you are a failure comes from events such as you have described. If you can stand back and look at your life more objectively I think you will find very few real failures. The trick of course is being able to look at yourself objectively. Not easy when we have absorbed all the do's and dont's we have been taught.
Dools has asked if you would consider seeing a grief counsellor. How does that strike you? It can be very powerful as well as helpful. Posting here can be helpful also so please continue.
In 2017, I saw a psychologist for about six months. It did help significantly but sessions were very expensive and I believed, at the time I hit my vertex.
I constantly contemplate of other ways to overcome things; it's almost strategic. But, my thoughts are overwhelming and addictions such as video games allow me to switch it off.
Thanks for your reply and support,
Maybe you could think of your video gaming as a health distraction from all the negative thoughts. Maybe you could set yourself a time limit for gaming then decide what else you could do that might be helpful and purposeful.
Yes, some assistance can be expensive. Are you eligible for a Mental Health Care Plan from your Dr which may assist you to receive free or at least reduce cost psychology? Have you spoken to your Dr about this?
In some places psychologist will bulk bill if you have the mental health care plan, in other places that is not the case.
Are there strategies and suggestions from 2017 that you can try to put into place now? I have also borrowed books from the library that have helped with some of my issues.
Writing out my overwhelming thoughts until I just can't drag out any more from my mind sometimes helps me. Then I try to write or think about some things I can be thankful for.
Hope you can find some ideas that help you.
Cheers from Dools
I wholeheartedly agree with Dools about distractions. I had a list of activities that were easily accessible on my fridge door. At any time I could find something distracting to do. When we are distressed it is hard to think what to do. This list was a shortcut and I could choose depending on how I felt. Apart from remembering the list existed I did not have to fight the thoughts, just do something from list. Weeding featured high on my list and it was a great therapeutic option. Reading or watching TV do not work well as I think we need something that involves the body and this happens by giving the brain something to do constantly.
Writing is wonderful. As Dools has said, we can get it all out. No need to go back and read it. No one else will see it and much later down the track you can reread to see how far you have come or burn the the paper. I do this a lot. Video games sound like a great idea. You can concentrate on them and relegate the intrusive thoughts to the rubbish bin. Do give yourself a time limit though.
It's good you are looking for ways to switch off these thoughts. Can you do any of the things suggested by the psychologist?
Psychologists are expensive. I think their fees are comparable to psychiatrist's fees. The difference is that psychiatrist fees are always rebateable by Medicare no matter how many times you go, while the psychologist visits are capped at ten usually. I don't know how you feel about seeing a psychiatrist. From a cost point of view it may be doable. And of course there is the Medicare safety net provisions. Have a chat with your GP about these options.
Also ask your GP about local services. Relationships Australia charge very little which may be an option if there is a branch in your area. Also try Anglicare and the Salvation Army. Both offer free counselling.
Posting here is something many people find helpful.