I’ve been married for 25 years, and while it’s not always plain sailing, generally still happy with my partner. They unfortunately can’t really relate to how I’m feeling or know the ‘right things’ to say so I feel a bit alone in that way. I have siblings but we’re not close. So can’t talk to them either really. I don’t have a lot of friends - always preferred just one or two I guess.
I have a well paid job and have progressed to management level over the past 10 yrs with the same company. The more I think about it the more I think it’s my job and the company culture that is contributing the most to my thoughts and feelings.
Those are generally feelings of being rudderless, lacking in options or direction to move forward, being under valued, even misunderstood? I’m really tired of having to pretend and play along with the politics. The work is souless.
Because of a lack of formal qualifications - having worked my way up on the job so to speak - I don’t feel confident in my ability to move on to something else, or even what that would be.
And one major obstacle is that I feel guilty for feeling all these things….
firstly, I am the main bread winner so my income is key and me thinking of jeopardising that for my own benefit by changing jobs - especially as I’d probably prefer a job with less responsibility and stress (so less money) - makes me feel selfish.
Secondly, I’m well aware there are probably many people who would like my job and the money that goes with it, so yeah.. major guilt again. i hate letting anyone down. I’ve probably been mainly focused on helping develop my team over the last couple years and doing whats best for them and what my manager wants from me.
As a result I’ve been treading water for some time now with no one I can really talk to about it. I am having more days where I’m finding it harder to maintain and have had some darker thoughts that scare me.
I haven’t seen a professional or even talked to my Dr about this, probably because the idea if it makes me feel like a failure. My upbringing responsible for some of that I guess…
not sure if anyone out there can relate or has been through something similar, but any thoughts/suggestions welcome.
