I have no one and nothing, help and advice?

[Guest015]

Let me start off with saying I'm a 20 year old trans-girl. I feel like.. a failure, not just at something specific, but at life and in general. I always blame things on bad luck, I do honestly think I just have bad luck, but I could turn things around.. but I can't. My social skills and my ability to cope in certain situations is extremely poor. I don't have the money to help myself, or even get anywhere and find someone to help me.. I get money from Centrelink as I don't have a job and I am studying full time, but they have a horrendous system that won't even automatically update my details.. There are other details which essentially screw me over and I can't afford anything in life. I can't go back with my parents, I can't be accommodated there for very long, my mum is too far away from anything too. I have no one else to look for too, I've tried.

I've lost my friends, well my only two irl friends because they weren't giving me the respect I deserve, keeping them wouldn't help. Tbh I never told them anything I just stopped talking to them but they haven't even asked if I am okay or if I wanted to play something, or even a simple question about something they wanted to know (I do plan on talking to them when I feel more comfortable). With everything that I have going on I just don't feel like it's worth it, if it gets to a point where I can't even enjoy the things I enjoy, and that isn't much. Then what's the point..?

You might be thinking, well others have it worse, or that I only think it's bad because it's all in my head. If you decide that, then I don't want to hear your opinion because you're wrong, things are different for different people. Things are bad for me and nothing is going my way, even if I do try to change things, believe me, I've looked at jobs but nothing suits my capabilities and qualifications. I'm immediately outed as socially inept.

I also think I have agoraphobia, and or bad social anxiety because I can barely even think when there are people and too many people overwhelms me a ton, just walking into any place alone stresses me out (I'm not diagnosed with anything though). It annoys me a ton when people say "well it's just something you have to get over" or "it's something everyone deals with", "you just have to face your fears", like it's something I can easily conquer and control, it's like saying to someone who can't walk to just practice walking and they'll get it, it's essentially built into me at this point, I can get by with someone with me, or alone with extreme discomfort, panic attacks and paranoia.. I usually have to have an exact plan of my route and and what I'm doing, listing off all possibilities of what could happen, so I know what to do in that situation, and how I can avoid it or escape it if I need to.

The amount of things I have on my mind at once, the stress.. I'm losing track of what I'm think and my brain is scattering my thoughts, I'm need to repeatedly remind myself of things I have to do or things that are coming up so I don't forget, forgetting is gonna end up with me not really eating at all. I wish I could forget it all and just relax my brain but I just can't do that..

I just don't know what I should do anymore. Obviously, I feel extremely depressed and stressed, but it isn't entirely the reason I think I should just give up, it's just the amount of things I need to do, and that I'll never truly be happy, I'm scared to even be myself in public, I'm terrified to even tell people my pronouns, mind you, online is easier to get away with but once they find out, respect is gone...

I don't provide anything to the world and I don't feel happy at all, I don't really have anyone, I know for a fact people won't care or even notice for quite a while if I was gone. I used to believe it, but that was in the past.

I guess my point here is that, I have no one and nothing, I don't feel happy and that I'm worthy of a life. Any advice or legitimate help would be truly appreciated, I'm open to questions too so feel free.

(PS. Sorry for the essay, low-key could write more but no one gonna read a book of this)

[tranzcrybe]

Some say we make our own luck, and others believe good luck is nothing more than happenstance of being there in the moment.
How much do you feel that your anxiety affects either from occuring given the associated need to control all aspects of your day? What space do you allow for luck (or spontaneity) to inspire you?
Focusing on all you need to do can deflect opportunities and joy from the sheer novelty of what you may never have contemplated.
Sadly, anxiety (or the attempts to control it) tends to obliterate these small wonders leaving the mundane tasks as the 'highlight' - but you already know all that.
I'd welcome the chance to hear your views.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Guest015,

Thank you for your post today, it is wonderful that you have been able to share your story with the community and to reach our for support. We know that it can be really difficult to take that step and ask for some help, but you never know who might read your post and feel less alone in their own experience. 

We have reached out to you privately as we're concerned about you, but you can reach out to the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors directly at any time you think it would be helpful on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat or email here (11am-12am AEDT). You can also talk to Q Life on 1800 184 527 or check out their webchat from 3pm - midnight. 

It’s really important that you are kind to yourself, and keep yourself safe. Please remember that if you feel unsafe the number to call is 000. It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning . You can even call Lifeline (131114) and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone

Thank you again for your courage in posting here. Please feel free to keep us updated on how you are going if you feel comfortable. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Guest015]

Hi, not sure I completely understand, but I don't think about my luck very often, and it's extremely rare I actually get lucky with anything.

I'd like to not have to worry about things, and have to focus on things but I just can't.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Guest015,

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through at the moment. It certainly sounds rough and stressful for you to have a lot going on at the moment, and trying your best to organize yourself to get through them.

Looking to get a better understanding on your thoughts, what would you describe a "good luck" situation to be? Is it an event that makes you "happy"? Or something that makes things easier for you to get through? The concept of luck seems to be fairly subjective, depending on how each individual sees themselves in life, so I'm curious to know more about your thoughts on the concept of luck.

You mentioned about having agoraphobia, would you be able to share more about this? What is it that stresses you out whenever you go out? If I were to take a guess, based on your mentioning of how you make very careful planning of your routes, possibilities of events and how to respond to them if it happens, would you say you're afraid of being judged whenever you go out?

Rest assure, the forum is a safe space for you to vent out your frustration, and your feelings are as valid as everyone else in this world. We're all here ready to listen to you.

Jt

[Guest015]

A good luck situation to me would be a situation where I get something good and with little to no issues, I know not everything can go my way though, I just wish more things could go my way or it could be easier sometimes.

With agoraphobia, yeah, I do fear judgement from others and having eyes on me. I find leaving the house mostly fine if I'm alone (like walks to the park, typically little to no one there), but places like shopping centres I don't like being surrounded and I get really anxious just being around groups of people. I don't know exactly why I feel this way and what exactly causes it, I just know it makes me very uncomfortable.

[jtjt_4862]

Indeed, given the tough situation you're going through at the moment, I'm sure some luck for you would be very handy. When I think about luck, it's generally among the lines of something that would be super rare to occur; Something that if going by statistics and numbers, the chances of it happening is close to zero. It's not impossible, but just really rare. For example winning a lottery, the chances are 1 in almost 145million. Other than that, usually any occurences of what may seem like "luck", I see them as just up times. While the tougher times are the down times. I found it really helpful to appreciate the up times, and learn from the down times. Whenever the up times happen, I tell myself to enjoy the moment, and mentally prepare myself for the down times. When the down time happens, I do my best to get through it, while keeping in mind that the up times are just ahead and close by, even if it's days or weeks away, self-encouragement that it's close by really helps. Hopefully this may help you in some way.

Would it be possible to recall some of the anxious thoughts that comes to your mind when you're out and about with crowded people?

Jt

[Guest015]

I think I'm usually quite pessimistic so when the real thing comes around and it's not the worse possible thing, I feel relief, still not good though usually and doesn't make me feel that good, and leading up to results gives a lot of anxiety.

I can't recall any thoughts, I don't know if I really think about too much, I do know that I just try focus on my objective and avoiding people. I guess maybe I think that I'm gonna be attacked, that be either physically or verbally, that I'd get lost and abandoned, not be able to find my way back. If my objective goes fine and I don't run into problems, plethora of problems depending on the situation. But at the time I don't think I really think about too much.

[Banksy92]

Hi Guest015,

Welcome to the forums and thanks so much for being so open and honest with us about what you're going through. I know this can be a really hard step for many people.

I am very sorry to hear you are dealing with so much pain and worry right now, I can sense in your post that you are hurting and I want to help you however I can.

Firstly, please know that no matter what you are absolutely loved, cared for and valued. Your feelings are completely valid and you deserve so much more than this. To anyone who has expressed that you should simply "get over it" do not listen to them. This is your life, your health and happiness and your journey.

The first step I would recommend is having a chat with your GP about getting on a mental health care plan. Everyone is eligible for 10 free sessions with a psychologist so it won't cost you anything. I think getting some professional support would be a really great step for you to work through your feelings, build strategies to cope and start to feel better.

Have you heard of Qlife? As a trans person you may want to also connect with this service. They offer online chat and phone support for the LQBTQIA+ community.

Please keep us in the loop about how you're going, we want to be here for you.

Hope this helps

[Guest015]

Hi, I have been to the GP a couple times, I haven't been successful finding a therapist, I need one that specialises in gender dysphoria and all that, so I can get support all around and hopefully transition some day but there isn't enough available here.

I haven't heard of Qlife, I may look at it sometime, anyways thank you for the kind words and tips