I have no one and nothing, help and advice?

[Guest015]

Let me start off with saying I'm a 20 year old trans-girl. I feel like.. a failure, not just at something specific, but at life and in general. I always blame things on bad luck, I do honestly think I just have bad luck, but I could turn things around.. but I can't. My social skills and my ability to cope in certain situations is extremely poor. I don't have the money to help myself, or even get anywhere and find someone to help me.. I get money from Centrelink as I don't have a job and I am studying full time, but they have a horrendous system that won't even automatically update my details.. There are other details which essentially screw me over and I can't afford anything in life. I can't go back with my parents, I can't be accommodated there for very long, my mum is too far away from anything too. I have no one else to look for too, I've tried.

I've lost my friends, well my only two irl friends because they weren't giving me the respect I deserve, keeping them wouldn't help. Tbh I never told them anything I just stopped talking to them but they haven't even asked if I am okay or if I wanted to play something, or even a simple question about something they wanted to know (I do plan on talking to them when I feel more comfortable). With everything that I have going on I just don't feel like it's worth it, if it gets to a point where I can't even enjoy the things I enjoy, and that isn't much. Then what's the point..?

You might be thinking, well others have it worse, or that I only think it's bad because it's all in my head. If you decide that, then I don't want to hear your opinion because you're wrong, things are different for different people. Things are bad for me and nothing is going my way, even if I do try to change things, believe me, I've looked at jobs but nothing suits my capabilities and qualifications. I'm immediately outed as socially inept.

I also think I have agoraphobia, and or bad social anxiety because I can barely even think when there are people and too many people overwhelms me a ton, just walking into any place alone stresses me out (I'm not diagnosed with anything though). It annoys me a ton when people say "well it's just something you have to get over" or "it's something everyone deals with", "you just have to face your fears", like it's something I can easily conquer and control, it's like saying to someone who can't walk to just practice walking and they'll get it, it's essentially built into me at this point, I can get by with someone with me, or alone with extreme discomfort, panic attacks and paranoia.. I usually have to have an exact plan of my route and and what I'm doing, listing off all possibilities of what could happen, so I know what to do in that situation, and how I can avoid it or escape it if I need to.

The amount of things I have on my mind at once, the stress.. I'm losing track of what I'm think and my brain is scattering my thoughts, I'm need to repeatedly remind myself of things I have to do or things that are coming up so I don't forget, forgetting is gonna end up with me not really eating at all. I wish I could forget it all and just relax my brain but I just can't do that..

I just don't know what I should do anymore. Obviously, I feel extremely depressed and stressed, but it isn't entirely the reason I think I should just give up, it's just the amount of things I need to do, and that I'll never truly be happy, I'm scared to even be myself in public, I'm terrified to even tell people my pronouns, mind you, online is easier to get away with but once they find out, respect is gone...

I don't provide anything to the world and I don't feel happy at all, I don't really have anyone, I know for a fact people won't care or even notice for quite a while if I was gone. I used to believe it, but that was in the past.

I guess my point here is that, I have no one and nothing, I don't feel happy and that I'm worthy of a life. Any advice or legitimate help would be truly appreciated, I'm open to questions too so feel free.

(PS. Sorry for the essay, low-key could write more but no one gonna read a book of this)

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Guest015,

Thanks for the update. I hope you're able to find information that is helpeful to you in Qlife. If you don't mind me asking a bit more so I can better understand you, how would you describe your relationship with your family? No pressure to answer the question as well if you're not feeling like it.

Jt

[Guest015]

My relationship with family is fine mostly, not really any issues, my dad doesn't completely understand all the trans stuff, and some family on his side don't understand it at all and I've had a couple odd comments, but they mean well generally. Nothing too bad. Pretty sure my step dad doesn't agree with it but he's fine, I don't live with family anymore. Besides that, not really much else.

I think I rely on family too much though but I need someone to support me as it's hard just going places, but I can go with anyone I feel comfortable with.e

I don't tell my family too much about my mental health but I update my dad on things happening usually since he's mostly able to help me with things. Since coming out to my siblings, I've been able to talk about a couple things with them since they understand and are supportive.

In conclusion, I'm fine with my family, just occasional issues, and need some family members to get used to and use right pronouns and name (although I rarely bring it up out of fear)

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Guest015,

It sounds like your family is fairly supportive of you coming out, and it will certainly take some time for them to get used to pronouns and names, especially for the older generations who aren't accustomed to the new generation's view of identity.

Would you be able to help me better understand, what did you mean by "relying on family too much"? Do you mean general basic necessities like going grocery shopping, or paying bills? Or something more specific? And was also wondering, what had made you decide to be living away from your family?

Jt

[Guest015]

I don't drive and I normally need help with things, mostly going places. I usually need help going through processes if I don't understand the process and what to do accurately. An example was recently, my dad couldn't help much because he didn't have his car, so I asked my brother, I would've had to take public transport or Uber to the city where I almost never go into a building I didn't know. He drove me there and dropped me off near the building so I only needed to cross one road, this was to pick up keys for my house/room, i previously asked the people exactly where do I go because I get major anxiety when I don't know and luckily they told me exactly so, and thankfully there wasn't anyone else, so in the end it wasn't that bad but things like going to GP, I have to have someone by my side, it's like emotional support and if I forget anything or don't understand something, they can help.. same thing when someone tries saying something to me, sometimes it doesn't get through to me, it just helps having someone there. So, I think rely on my family too much with that stuff, mostly my dad, just feel a bit guilty sometimes. When it does come down to it with money, I have to ask for help, I haven't really had that issue but I may have that issue in the future.

The reason I moved out was to get away from home, for some freedom, so I could do what I wanted and get what I wanted. I didn't get any money from Centrelink living with family, I did after moving out. I also had a partner at the time which was a bonus, I also had some arguments with my step dad a few times and once it was physical but no one was really hurt, he just got angry and pushed me against the kitchen sink and I pushed him back and he fell, I left after that. We don't hate each other we just have our differences in opinions and he just made me feel so restricted with things to do. Where I lived though was a small country town, there was nothing there. And I was starting my studies, so I thought better to move closer, since I don't drive.

(Longest post here, sorry about that, bit of a ramble)

[Joey84]

I can relate to a bit of what your saying and know how you feel. You try talk to friends all time and always making effort but if you dont make the effort it goes silent? I go silent and get nothing, but im sure people do care, just hard when it hard to see it but they do. Probably not much help at this stage, the planning what your going to do and thinking of every situation in case something goes wrong is something i do as well. But you have got to try not other think it and just do the best plan you have made. Easier said then done but little bit at a time. I hope you can find someone that will help a little, but i can relate and understand.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Guest015, Joey84,

Thank you for sharing your stories. It certainly feels odd when you're unsure about your relationship with friends when things goes silent, but yes, not all relationships needs to have constant communication with each other. Some people can maintain that with their social energy, and some people tend to get burnt out easily from it. But regardless, the connection still remains whether we're chatting or staying silent.

It's nice to have the freedom to do whatever you like in your own space. That also gives you the opportunity to take risks in your choices, and learn from them as well. It was something I felt odd when I first moved out of my home, and some what scared as well about the choices I make. But little choices each day slowly builds our confidence in taking risks, and regardless of the outcome, we'll come out alright. That said, I hope you don't mind helping me understand something about yourself. When you mentioned about your visit to the GP, that if you forget something or don't understand something, your family member can help you out, is the reliance on your family member because of your fear of being judged by your GP if you say something wrong or misunderstood something?

Jt

[Guest015]

I guess a bit out of fear of being judged and misunderstanding. I don't think I can think properly and understand people properly when I'm anxious. I have a problem with picking up on what people say sometimes and I think it's heightened by anxiety. So for example I'll ask someone to repeat themselves multiple times because it's just not getting through to me, people usually get angry at me and think I'm trying to annoy them, which I'm not. I always feel bad about it and I try clarify what they said if I think I got it. But sometimes I don't really know what they said so I just go along with it because they're clearly not liking repeating themselves that many times.

I don't really understand the process too much with the GP and they also aren't always entirely sure on what to do if I can't explain it well enough. It's like going to the hairdressers and asking for a haircut, they can help but they need more information. I usually can get by though, but I think having someone there is more for emotional support and backup help if that makes sense at all.

Also thanks for the response Joey84