Feeling stuck.

[Mao]

Hey everyone, I hope you're all doing well!

This is my first time talking in a forum like this and I dont even know where to start, ive genuinely been rewriting this for the past 4 hours but theres just so much context I cant fit in here so im just gonna go for the basics and give context as needed so im really sorry if it sounds confusing.

I feel extremely stuck in life right now. Im currently 22 and have been dealing with anxiety and depression like symptoms (cant say for sure I have depression cos my psychologist said she didnt believe in label like thus I never got a confirmation) for the past 5 years and ive started questioning the meaning of life to the point where nothing seems worth it anymore.

I know people say its about the journey and not the destination but I dont know why that just doesnt make sense in my head.

I cant get myself to do anything, whether that be studying or even basic things like eating, unless its extremely easy and quick and I dont have to put in any work.

I cant focus and all the things I used to enjoy now feel like chores and currently ive just been existing rather than living, if that makes any sense.

I constantly feel home sick, even when im at home and I cant get myself to study for uni which consequently, makes me more stressed because I keep falling further and further behind.

I feel like even though part of me says to keep going and keep trying, the rest of me has given up and has just accepted life means nothing so theres no point in anything and I just wish I was never born. (Although I do struggle with self harm and suicidal ideation, I dont think I would ever actually do anything because, ironically, thanks to my anxiety im too afraid of the unknown and whatever comes after life to do anything myself) Im just stuck in a limbo.

I feel like a huge fraud too because nothing in my life has happened to make me feel this way and I dont know whats wrong with me and I barely understand what I feel. I dont even know if im here to look for advice or answers or just to let it out.

This was probably all over the place and I think I just said a lot of nothing, specially since I cant even get myself to proofread all this because doing any sort of work creates like physical pain in my head and I genuinely dont understand why!! But I just needed to get something out or else I know ill keep rewriting it until I give up and drop the idea. 

Thank you to anyone who read this long and I hope you all find things to help with your problems in this forum.

[therising]

Hi Mao and the warmest of welcomes to you at such a deeply challenging time in your life.

While I can relate to where your psychologist is coming from (not wanting to be too quick to put a label on something), sometimes it's so important to gain a sense of what it is we're facing and therefor how we're going to manage it. It can be about ticking all or most of the boxes for this or that. In other words, it's about what all the ticks add up to. Btw, we gotta start by giving ourself some credit for being a 'feeler' or 'sensitive' and being able to feel or sense something's seriously off when it comes our connection to life or disconnection from it.

As a 56yo gal, it's taken me some decades to hit on the revelation 'Okay, who's the best detective for the job when it comes to figuring out what the deal is here and why I'm suffering and/or struggling so much? A detective for the mind (to question psychological issues), one for the body (to question chemical issues or imbalances) or one who can look for clues as to who I naturally am and why I'm naturally struggling (a soulful kind of detective)?'. Are we ticking boxes that add up to a depressing downshift that can come with an ADHD brain state, a serious dopamine deficiency or an ongoing vitamin or mineral deficiency, a horrendous and exhausting type of inner dialogue or a 'dark night of the soul' factor, just to name a small handful of possibilities? We're feeling or sensing something. The question remains 'What is it?'. 

For a start, you're definitely a feeler, based on how you mention you feel so many things. High five and good for you. It's an incredible ability that we can definitely suffer through at times, that's for sure. Keep in mind, someone with the ability to feel so much naturally experiences a spectrum of feelings, from pure bliss or super energising levels of hyperactivity all the way through to a deeply depressing and sometimes soul destroying lack of energy. We naturally slide up and down that scale depending on so many different things. Your psychologist, GP etc need to start seriously wondering about why you're feeling such a depressing lack of energy. If plenty of energy is the feeling of life running through us, it's definitely a downer when you can't feel all that much of it. 

When you say 'I know people say its about the journey and not the destination but I dont know why that just doesnt make sense in my head', that's completely understandable. How does it make sense that we should be feeling ourself completely lost on that journey so much of the time? I like to think of it as being about the guides, the journey and all the destinations or landmarks we reach in the landscape of life. You could consider naming your next destination as 'The part of my path beyond the dark part'. Perhaps it's time to ask your psychologist for a major sense of enlightenment ('You need to start seriously shedding some light on my path'). If they give you that light, you'll feel it. If they don't, you'll feel yourself not getting it.❤️ 

[Ollienells]

It's good to just vent and do it in a place where you can feel seen by other people going through similar things. I can even relate to trying to fit in all the context because there's just so much you want to explain so people can understand. I'm also very familiar with feeling like a fraud when it comes to anxiety and depression. Even though I still feel like this I also know that my feelings are real and even little things can build up and make a big impact.

I'm also 22 and I'm still figuring out how to deal with it. I think what has made me keep going is lots of distractions, if I'm going to be honest, but also a lot of reflecting of maybe why I feel and function like this and trying to find ways to move forward. It has been a long and slow process for sure but I feel like it's getting somewhere. Just take it day by day or week by week, or whatever works best for you. You don't need to think longterm until you feel ready because it can be overwhelming. 

Hope this helps a bit! I could keep writing about this but don't want to talk too much about myself. Let me know if there is any questions.