feeling disconnected and incapable

Ollienells

I feel like I have spent the last 3ish years trying to gain myself back but it's so hard to let go of feelings and bad habits. I'm generally ok with everything at this point and can get through most days with distractions because I'm used to feeling like this, but there is a deep emptiness in me and I wish things were different. It genuinely feels like I have lost my spark and I think half the time I am disassociating. The thing is I feel like myself when I am by myself but in public and around other people, I instantly revert to wanting to be invisible. And it works because no one really notices me or cares. The bar is so low that any little thing that someone does for me, makes me feel seen.

Even though I'm comfortable by myself, what makes me sad is that people don't really know me and I don't have any true close friends anymore. I've noticed that even when I try make new friends, I struggle to put in effort and open up because I think I'm scared to get close to people. I have realised this is all because of my past experiences.

Ever since I was little I struggled to fit in and I never really felt like I belonged anywhere because I was insecure about how I looked. After I started feeling more confident I opened up more but that led me to bury the extroverted side of myself because I felt criticised for it. I just came off as annoying and I started to believe that, along with feeling like a burden and people not caring about me. This made me push away a lot of people I cared about, self isolate and become insecure again.

Now I'm trying to move on from all of that but change is hard for me because it takes so much effort for me to do anything. I have tried incorporating good habits, making new friends, and trying new things but it never lasts. Starting is the hardest part. I won't say there hasn't been any progress but it's all so slow. And I can't help but compare myself to my peers who seem like they have it together. It's especially hard right now because recently I barely graduated and now I have been trying to find a job in the industry but I feel so incapable. That's a whole other problem.

Anyway, this was a bit of a rant and sorry if some things don't make sense. I would like some advice from people who have succeeded in getting out of a rut. Honestly any related advice would be greatly appreciated. I mainly just want to feel comfortable enough to be myself around people, without any shields up.

Sea_Turtle

Hey

I don’t have any great advice, but I just wanted to say that you have found the words for something I have struggled with so much. I teared up reading this, it’s such a struggle trying to build yourself back up, repairing old wounds, relearning confidence, social skills, self compassion, pushing yourself forward even when you’re aching and lonely.
For me I’ve always found that it hurts more just before you make it over the next hill. Perhaps the pain is necessary to push us to make those next few changes towards a better life. Either way I know it’s worth it and I hope your sense of deep emptiness eases up soon. 🫂🤍

Ollienells

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm glad that what I wrote resonated with you so much because feeling like this can be so lonely.

Pushing forward is definitely the hardest part for me because all I want is to do nothing but I can't just do nothing, especially at this stage in my life. It's so hard to see other people succeeding when you feel like you can't even get one win. It's such a demoralising feeling that genuinely sucks the energy out of me.

I'm saying this now because I have a interview tomorrow for an internship but I got so discouraged today because I don't believe I have what it takes for it even though I really want to believe I do. So that makes it really hard for me to sell myself in an interview when I'm already not great at socialising.

I will say something that has made it somewhat easier for me to cope is telling myself that building yourself back up again is not a linear process and that consistency doesn't have to be everyday for it to make a difference.