Hi firecracker94
My heart goes out to you as you struggle with the deep and sometimes depressing challenges that can come with better understanding our self. It can definitely be tough when we're going through this stage and no one else around us can relate. That, in itself, can be depressing in some ways.
You mention you don't know who you are anymore. Sometimes it's significant to work out who you're not, in the process of self understanding. I'll expand on this a little, so you know where I'm coming from. Just say you've tolerated questionable behaviour from people for the whole of your life. Everyone around you may do the same. Suddenly you may find you can't tolerate such behaviour and you begin to question it. No one else thinks to question it. They may even say 'Why can't you just go with the flow? Why do you have to question everything all the time?' You may be labelled as 'difficult' or 'challenging'. Truth is, you do become challenging. You are challenging those around you to be more conscious of their highly questionable behaviour. Myself, I question just about everything. I also encourage my teenage kids to question all questionable behaviour. Funny thing about this is - they've become more intolerant. We're working on that. Suddenly, they've woken up to all the stuff they've been tolerating in the past that they shouldn't have been tolerating (such as being treated poorly by adults).
Do you find yourself not as tolerant these days? If this is the case, could you be waking up to be more your natural self- someone who does not tolerate thoughtlessness or a lack of support, for example? Can you not tolerate a lack of excitement, especially during these self isolation times, whereas in the past you may have tolerated a lack of excitement?
Having experienced depression in the past myself, I can honestly say that it's significant to ask 'What was wrong with me?', not 'What is wrong with me?' Could you be starting a process of finding out what's right? Tough process, for sure, in many ways. One of the tough aspects, I found, involved drifting away from friendships that didn't vibe with what led me to a need to know myself differently, better. Personally, I've come to love surrounding myself with people who naturally love to question all things questionable. Makes for great conversation and amazing personal growth.
Do you know who you're not, in the way to better understanding who you naturally are?
🙂
