Need Help

[DG57]

Hi,

Im 57 been married for 25 years, for the past 10 years our sex life has gone from being active to nothing and for the past 5 years whenever i try i get rejected, I feel she is cheating or the relationship is dead. We have discussed the issue numerous times but still i get rejected, its like we are no longer in a relationship. I feel like im being used to just pay the bills, she works part time but keeps the money mostly to herself. I am depressed and lost, i have nobody else just her. I dont know what to do anymore. Today I accused her of cheating because she must be getting it from somewhere over the 5-10 years, either that or she hates that much that our relationship is rock bottom and finished.I have no family or friends to talk to, she was my only real friend for last 25 yrs, she talks to her mother a lot for advice. We have 1 boy 23 living away from home and 1 girl 14 still at home. Im shattered, Thanks

[therising]

Hi DG57

I feel for you as you try to make sense of this stage of your relationship but are left with more questions than answers. Can definitely be frustrating.

Can't help but wonder what happened some years ago for things to change so suddenly. Wondering what the trigger was in your wife's life. Whether it was biological or psychological, sounds like something triggered a change. Were there hormonal changes or did depression become a factor (she became unhappy with herself and life)? Perhaps she felt fed up with certain factors in the relationship, to the point where intolerance triggered the change.

As a 50yo gal who's been married for over 18 years, I've only just started to work out why my husband and I cycle through the same issues. Every time we've gone around in circles, I've felt more and more disconnected. I couldn't put my finger on it until now. We have very little in common besides the kids and the house. The only exciting thing in our relationship was intimacy. Once he'd disconnect (for one reason or another) during our happy stage, there would basically be nothing in the way of any excitement in the relationship. I'd find it difficult to stay connected through boredom. As I say, took me a long time to work out this is what that cycling through our relationship was about. It was only the other week I spoke to him, announcing that if this is all there is to look forward to in the way of excitement (intimacy and nothing else) I'm done, unless there is effort made to bring more excitement into the marriage in a variety of ways. It's a challenge DG, especially seeing my husband insists he's just not into a lot of excitement. That's my relationship story in a nutshell. I offer it to show how long term issues in a relationship can escalate until they trigger a sudden change.

I'm sure your wife has her own story. Whether she's aware of what caused the sudden change or not, it's worth asking. Maybe she doesn't even have the answers herself. Maybe she doesn't exactly know what led her to become so disconnected. This can happen when we're not fully conscious of why we're reacting the way we are. Don't be surprised if you ask her 'What led to this change in our relationship?' and she responds with 'I don't know'. In this case, you'd want to help her work it out.

Some challenges can take years to work out, until we suddenly have that 'Aha' moment. When it comes, everything suddenly makes sense. Hope you're both able to make sense of this together.

🙂

[monkey_magic]

Hi DG57,

The reason can be a number of factors and therising has given you an excellent response.

My sex drive has diminished bcas of medication but that's a whole other story.

Sorry to hear the devastation you are going through in your relationship, being rejected time and time again can really wear you thin. I'm also sorry you don't have any family or friends to talk to.

You can chat with us here. We'll listen.

Have you ever tried councilling together?

10 years is a long time to not have any intimacy, perhaps the relationship is dead like you say. Would you be happier getting out of this relationship? Just something to think about.

You deserve to feel wanted and valued and have your needs and desires met. You've been sacrificing those for a long time now.

Only you can make a decision about what you want to do with this relationship. By the sounds of it I don't think the intimacy will return. It's been such a long time but then miracles do happen. Maybe if she thinks you'releaving her she'll put in the effort, or perhaps you both really need to see someone together.

All the best.