Never got the chance to be a child. All I was surrounded by was death and heart ache

[DJ5]

I have never spoken aloud about my problems as I’ve always put other people ahead of me so please be kind.I’ve always been to scared to speak about about how I feel as there’s others out there who need more help then me.From a very young age I feel like all I’ve ever known is death heart ache and trying to be the rock who holds everything and everyone together.I was 2years of age when I lost my uncle to suicide.After that when I was around 10 I lost a family friend I called uncle to depression he didn’t commit suicide but knowing the dangers he got really drunk and rode his motorbike and passed away when he had an accident. After that I lost all contact with my father due to his substance abuse as well as abusive tendencies.I’m not sure how far anything went with his abuse as mum says he was never physical and she’s waiting for the right moment to show us her diary about her life experiences.Iwas young I don’t remember much.During high school when I was in year 9 I moved school as I started self harming. I left all my friends behind and never spoke to them again as I was to embarrassed about how I was feeling.I hated myself and my family I was very rebellious got into drugs partying and not caring about who I hurt.Leaving a path of destruction behind me I’m full of regret hurt anger and will never forgive myself for my actions.My family and friends never knew about my self harm or that I even had depression.I made suicide notes but couldn’t follow through as I couldn’t put my mum or family through that pain again.During the years of substance abuse and trying to acclimatise to a new school we lost 4 people in my year level 3 to suicide and one to a very rare ovary cancer which effects very little people let alone under the age of 50.It was a very horrible year to watch so many friends leave this earth. Let alone the devastation they left behind. After that was my uncle on dads side suicide where dad and his friend found him. This actually made me want to know who my father was again I’m not sure if it helped as I was watching dad go through the pain and never fully recover it killed me a little more inside. More recently a couple days before my birthday my auntie committed suicide due to substance abuse depression multiple personality disorder. Due to many deaths illness and issues among my family I don’t know where or how to turn for help. I know you will recommend me to a professional but I have tried to no avail.

[Sophie_M]

Dear DJ5,  Thanks for getting in touch and reaching out. We think it is so brave of you to open up and tell your story. We can hear there is a lot of pain there and that it has been a difficult road for you. If you'd like to talk about the pain and grief some more feel free to give us a call on 1300 22 4636. We are here to support you as a community and hope you find it helpful.

[therising]

Hi DJ5

How incredibly overwhelming, so much for someone to deal with on their own. I'm so glad you've come here for support, even if it's just to vent your sadness, regret, frustration and sense of a lack of direction.

First thing that springs to mind is 'questionable behaviour'. Myself, I had a lot of questionable behaviour during my years in depression. I was a drinker and a bit of a party girl. Yes, there are regrets but I've come to relate to the answer to the question 'Why? Why was I so destructive.' The answer is 'This is how I coped, under the circumstances'. Under the circumstances is an important thing to acknowledge. If we want to numb our self, under the circumstances, we look for what's numbing. If we want to feel excited, under the circumstances, and nothing other than extreme behaviour excites us then extreme behaviour is how we feel life. When the circumstances change, when we become more conscious, this is where regret can kick in. Seeing we can't change our past, under new circumstances the goal is to change for the better or reform our self. This can be a challenging process.

I'm wondering how many people around you helped constructively raise you through a lot of your grief. Were you left doing it mostly on your own, the raising aspect (trying to make sense of things)? If so, this can be depressing - to be left alone to manage such challenge. Are you still trying to make sense of things? I'm wondering if you've ever asked the question 'How do I live when there seems to be so much death around me?' I'm also wondering if anyone has shown you an example of how to live, under the circumstances. If you've been surrounded by people who are grieving, it can be difficult to find examples of what it means to live.

I do tend to wonder a lot and, again, I wonder whether you're facing a lot of questioning at the moment. One of the things about our natural self is the questioning aspect. If we never question, we are never triggered to search for answers. I've learned over time that the process of intense questioning is exactly what leads to life changing revelations. It's what leads to greater consciousness and the way forward. This might sound all a bit airy fairy but it remains undeniable.

Again, I'm glad you chose to come here. I imagine what led you here was the question 'Should I explore the Beyond Blue forums?' and here you are, having trusted in the answer.

Take care

[ecomama]

Dear DJ5

As I read your story I know I could have written many parts myself. I could see the pain you've gone through. I'm so glad you had the sense of mind to pull back from suicide considering your mum's grief if you did. That was an AMAZING move on your part.

It seems like it's not part of your nature to cause pain to others intentionally. Mine either. But it happens in life and there it is. We all go through this but you KNOWING you caused some pain to others shows you have empathy and that's a good quality. You're a good person. Lots of bad crap has happened to those you love in your life and to you too. There's alot of trauma in your past.

You've done so well sharing your story here. A very warm welcome to the forums. They've helped me alot, especially the wellbeing sections and to know I'm not alone with my experiences in life. I've also got had a Counsellor for 5y, Specialist Trauma Psychologist more recently and have begun reconnecting with friends and to a lesser extent my extended family. I do alot of work on my own too which we can talk about later.

My recent healing has been transformational in my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD & anxiety but am recovering so well. I moved through depression many years ago but it rises at times and I move quickly to calm this.

Where there is breath, there is hope.

I'd like to ask you some questions, if you'd like to answer then awesome, if not then that's okay too...
* do you live with any other people?
* do you see friends?
* are there activities you like to do?
* do you have contact with family?
* do you have any pets?

Sending lots of love and Prayers for your healing
EM