Feeling Lost

[LJK74]

I have been with my husband for 34 years and recently he has told myself and our kids that he has had depression for the past 4 years, brought on by a childhood trauma. The reason it came out was because he felt bad about telling me a lie, which he then told me the truth and what he's been going through. He has been speaking with a counsellor over the phone through work, but he said he feels they are talking from a card. He has seen his GP and is now waiting on an appt with a local Psychologist who I found that deals with Trauma/PTSD.

For the past few years I have felt a shift or a difference in his and our relationship but thought I was causing it all because my Peri Menopause has coincided with his past 4 years of depression.

He has moved out of our bedroom as he needs his own space and he gets up and down a lot in the night due to nightmares and permanent nightshift worker at the mines.

I feel I no longer know how to be around him or even just chat with him, because it seems he doesn't want anything to do with me. And I'm worried I will upset him.

He said he can't talk to me about how's he feeling, and I think he knows that it might upset me.

I have gone from phonecalls or texts every day to absolutely nothing and don't know if I should be contacting him just to check-in or what.

The only time he seems to talk to me is when he talks about going to Thailand next year for 2 months by himself. As he thinks he needs to step out of his comfort zone and go somewhere to be by himself where no-one knows him. 

I am just completely lost and don't know where I am with him anymore. I keep reminding myself it's not me it's what's going on in his head but it's hard not to take things personally and I'm sick of getting upset all the time.

xx

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thanks for posting.

Sometimes situations demand only professional help. As he shuts down and wont talk, no one can force him to and there are so many possible factors in the reasons he wont communicate that its pointless guessing. 

What I do think for yourself, is to accept if you can that anything could eventuate out of the near future. Separate bedrooms could be the first step he takes and separation might be next. If you are prepared better for it then it wont come as a shock. In the meantime preventative methods are a good idea, dine out and mention he is your best friend, that you appreciate his companionship over decades, that you are there if and whenever he wants to talk. He'll go to work and might think about those short comments.

In suggesting couples counselling if he doesnt go then go alone, eventually he might ask you whats being said there but dont say too much, if he wants to join you he can... remind him of that. Such meeting alone will provide you with some clarity on what efforts you can make and also give you confidence of what is his responsibility to the relationship and what is yours. It will minimise guilt for you and thats as important as his issues to him are.

If there is a chance meet with your GP with him by your side and get a referral. If you think he wont go knowing the topic to be discussed then dont tell him the reason just that you want him to come along. This might seem deceitful but in front of a GP he will be less defensive.

I hope that helps. We are here for you if you want to repost.

TonyWK

[BlueLily]

Hi LJK74,

Sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time. It is great that you've been supporting your husband finding psychologists among many other things. 

It is often not discussed that when somebody is going through a mental health issue, people supporting them, specially partners can go though a mental toll as well. Therefore it's very important that you take care of yourself as well, and seek help from a psychologist if you think that will be more practical.

It may feel like it's all personal at the moment and that he's distancing from you. But it may be his way of the healing process and it's important to provide the distance he need. But that doesn't mean you can't do simple things like make him a cup of tea, cook him a dish he likes (or order take away) and let him know you are there if he need anything. 

While your husband focus on his holiday, it may be a good time for you to focus on yourself and perhaps go on a small holiday yourself or spend with your family and friends.

Take care.