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Doing all I can and still struggling
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I (39 F) have managed to rebuild my life a few times, this time is the hardest.
After my last catastrophic life implosion in 2015, two years later I found a new career, built financial stability, worked on my physical and mental health, had a stable relationship and housing over 3 years. I bravely took the step to go back to the career I had lost in 2015. 5 weeks later I got a virus (unknown not cv19) and I never got better again.
That was the end of 2020. I spent 10 days in hospital but the doctors never found the problem.
2021 I lost my new job due to not being able to return to work. I spent most weeks going to specialists and having all kinds of tests. Eventually they decided I had a bad viral infection that triggered fibromyalgia.
By mid 2022 my ex gave up on our relationship and I had to move.
I was heartbroken but I kept going.
I see my doctors, I pursued supports like NDIS, DSP, and income protection (which i understand the privilege of receiving).
I take care of my physical and mental health the best I can. All that is prescribed to me. I have built a supportive medical team (both psych and physical care).
I do all the self care I can manage.
I have managed to build some close friendships, I stay in contact with family and started dating again, I have more strength and energy than I did in 2021 but it is very slow going and I'm running out of patience.
Since 2022 my housing has been very unstable, I'm preparing to move for the third time since then due to the owners wanting to demolish this property.
Since I got sick I have needed different surgeries and have been diagnosed with new medical maladies that all appear unrelated to each other. Just that my body is struggling.
It feels like so much is out of my control now.
I've been working so hard to accept where I am and focus on the things I can change but it's exhausting when I can't achieve tangible change.
How do I set up a space to do a hobby, or plan a holiday, or invest time in a local community group/volunteering when I'm never sure how long I've got before I have to pack up and start over somewhere else? Or a new illness appears?
It feels like the moment I let myself nurture a little wish like putting time into a hobby, or planning something fulfilling or enjoyable something else just derails me. (I won't dare to dream of working again yet.)
I know I'll keep going but my depression is trying to leak hopelessness everywhere and there's nothing more I can do right now to fix things.
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Hi, welcome
I'm a "think outside the box" person so expect the unexpected here lol. I've had depression and it led to a suicide attempt. My brother and uncle went that way plus other attempts in the family. For many years now I've studied a lot on survival and made decisions that were radical some working others not so.
Your accommodation situation has led to a feeling of instability, which along with other possible problems you might have (like poor sleep, worry, relationship grief) all add up to hindering recovery. These side issues as I call them are actually very serious. As we get older other medical issues can come along as with you with fibromyalgia, a condition two of my relatives have and it can be debilitating.
So being radical could give you the restart you need. I solved the accommodation issue with rent when I resorted to living in a caravan. It has its negatives however it has positives like no furniture removals, no bond/rental applications, mobile when you want, gives you space before you settle again and so on.
I must say you are doing all things you are capable of doing and I'm impressed with your strategies. However we can also fall into negativity which is normal like "Or a new illness appears?". In my case I take lots of tablet but when first told I need to take one particular table lifelong I thought "well if you are going to take one a day what does it mean to take many more? It's just more with the one action. A bit of the view- "felt sorry for no shoes until saw a man with no feet". Re: "I have managed to build some close friendships, I stay in contact with family and started dating again, I have more strength and energy than I did in 2021 but it is very slow going and I'm running out of patience. " . Unfortunately some illnesses wont permit your energy to return. We have to find ways to accommodate them eg with depression its pointless fighting it when you have it, better to wait until a cycle is drifting away then motivate yourself then.
Another radical idea is to listen to some gurus that lecture in motivation. Some of this taps into some spirituality but not direct religion. I've got a few threads below that might help.
Reply anytime
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/m-p/149725
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/m-p/149725
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/serious-burnout-what-worked-for-you/td-p/14249
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790
TonyWK
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Dear sortofthecatlady,
You’ve had a tough time and I feel for you. I too have fibromyalgia which developed when I was 13 following a viral illness, similar to what you describe. I know such viruses are often a trigger and it appears epigentics plays a role in this. I am now 50 so I’ve lived with it for 37 years and in that time I’ve learned a lot. Firstly I want to say it has improved greatly for me compared to how it used to impact me, but I’ve also learned to recognise any limitations I have and be kind to myself by not pushing myself beyond what my system can deal with. And the kinder I’ve been to myself the more I’ve started to heal.
But what has helped me significantly has been emotional healing. Although a viral illness was a trigger, for me sustained traumatic and stressful circumstances in my childhood were factors in me being susceptible to developing fibromyalgia. From what I’ve read this is common. Other people with fibromyalgia I’ve known have described an accumulation of life stresses prior to diagnosis. For example, one woman told me of her marriage breakdown, car accident, very stressful work situation and a viral illness all happening around the same time. Her system reached overload. So I just wonder if the life implosions you describe reached a point where something had to give and this set the fibromyalgia in motion?
I have been on a journey of healing. I did get an additional diagnosis along the way, an autoimmune disease. But I’m sure that too was linked to unresolved emotional issues, especially repressed anger in my case. While these are absolutely physiologically real conditions, I have come to realise the extremely close relationship between emotional experiences and health. I’ve been working with a really good psychologist for more than 2.5 years now and had already done quite a lot of work researching and exploring to heal myself before that and it is really starting to pay off in that a lot of things are internally resolving and healing.
So I guess what I’m trying to share is hope and that perhaps you may find some healing through your own explorations that will also help you at a physical level. Do you yourself see or feel any connections between your emotional and physical health? For me things are so different now with fibromyalgia. I used to not be able to sit in one place for more than five minutes without being in excruciating pain. I can now do that quite easily. I used to be so stiff and sore from even the tiniest exertion. Now I can easily go for walks without suffering major consequences. I’m still dealing with a lot on my journey and working through complex ptsd which I’m also diagnosed with, but I know I’m on a healing path. So I just wanted you to know it is not a one way street or downhill journey.
It is great you have a support team. I have been through multiple crashes too and I found that kept happening until I began to shift certain patterns within myself and my life (still a work in progress). I know it’s extremely tough what you are going through but there might be a gift within the suffering which is the opportunity to find a life that is really aligned with you and your needs as a person. I have often found the greatest struggle and difficulty often precedes the most helpful insights and pathways forward.
I hope maybe that helps a bit. I’m so glad you have some good friendships and family and have felt able to start dating again. That co-presence with others I have found is extremely important in the healing process.
Take good care,
Eagle Ray
