I hate being a burden call for help

[Guest_81507572]

I see how much hurt I cause others for having this mental illness. I try so hard to pretend I'm better so my partner doesnt have to worry but it doesnt work. If I accidnetly let on that I'm not okay then I'm reminded about how much pain I cause him soon enough. 

I live for others because I'm not well enough to live for myself, but if all I am is a burden, I'm loosing that reason more each day.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Us humans have various degrees of empathy, understanding and capacity to help. When is too much empathy? Well it reaches maximum when it starts to effect your own health.

This is not so common however its isnt rare either. See, as an example worry isnt productive, it will only form ulcers, it doesnt produce practical answers to problems. You can worry yourself sick as the saying goes and then you are less able to support your own family. So getting worry into context before it debilitates you is helping your loved ones. The old saying goes- "everything in moderation".

No matter your illness it is healthy to convey the level of discomfort or pain you are in every day. eg a level of 1-10. If your partner asks how is your depression today... "its a 3, I'm not too bad thankyou for taking interest". If its under 5 then return the care by asking "and how's work going". But 5 or over he would expect you not to be able to comfortably ask how his day has been. This is good communication and over time couples know how to respond and how much they can expect from each other. And of course you might need to remind yourself that one day your partner might have a physical injury that leads to needing you to nurse him... this is all the reasons why we couples are together so we can battle through lifes problems as a team.

The other focus you might need to look at is guilt. Wherever it comes from, often in upbringing, guilt is unhealthy. You can care for a partner but if guilt is added then its unproductive. For us sufferers of a mental health issue, our partner can suffer guilt... "have I rang her today to see if her depression is ok"? ... "I wonder if her mood will tip over if I leave the dishes right now"? and so on. If we are getting their basic care and attention then that is gold, anything else is a bonus. This approach makes our life with a MI still relaxed and enjoyable..

It is our nature to show care for our loved ones but it is also counter productive to go to extremes on any topic. We can end up with anxiety or more anxiety by worry.

Below is two posts that will help.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

Reply anytime. I hope I've helped.

TonyWK

[therising]

An enormous warm welcome to you ❤️

Sometimes I think there's just not enough wonderful people in this world, people who can't help but be full of wonder. They're the kind of people who'll sit and wonder with us as to why we feel the way we do or think the way we do. They're the kind of people who'll seriously wonder why we're experiencing life the way we are and what it is that could possibly make some difference to us. If our partner is such a person, they can become our fast tracker through dark or depressing territory at times. If not, we can feel like we're walking that path alone to some degree. Btw, I'm glad you've met with the wonderful Tony here, someone whose sense of wonder and fast tracking has made a positive difference to me at times.

Not sure if the following will make a positive difference but I'll throw it out there in the hope that it does. The phrase 'It's not fault I feel the way that I do' changed things for me significantly. To rephrase 'If I have the ability to feel what is depressing, this ability (which can feel like a curse at times) is technically not my fault'. If we have the ability to feel someone bringing us down or degrading us in some way, how is being able to feel that a fault? If we have the ability to feel ourself twisting in the wind with no solid sense of direction, how is the ability to feel this a fault? If we have the ability to feel the depressing side effects of a lack of dopamine how is being able to feel that a fault? I could go on but you get the gist. For myself, I've found it makes a huge difference when I find sensitive people who can also feel or sense deeply and fairly easily. They can not only sense what's wrong or what a challenge is about, they can also sense the best ways forward.

Yesterday, I said to my sensitive 22yo daughter 'I've just had a major mind altering potentially life changing revelation but I just can't get a feel for what it's entirely about or get a sense or vision of the best way forward'. She sat with me, listened and sensed my feelings and could see what I needed. She raised me in that moment. On the other hand, there have been a number of times over the last couple of decades or so when my husband has said to me 'Are you okay?' to which I've responded 'I can feel myself going into a depression'. His response, 'I hate to hear that because I love you so much. It really hurts me' and then he'd walk off based on how upsetting it was for him. He'd emotionally detach so he wouldn't have to feel what was difficult for him to feel. It was only a year ago or so that it hit me like a bolt of lightening...he'd leave me alone to feel what 'down' feels like, while offering absolutely no sense of direction. As sensitive people, we can't sense what being raised feels like if we're not being raised. Being able to sense a lack of raising is technically not our fault. 🙂