Do not feed the monster

[Emotions26]

I am struggling to understand this website and find my way around

I have replied to some people

I think that two champions replied to my first two posts

I do not know where they are now

I have supported several posts of others

I have replied to one person I think today

I am resonating with several posts in different areas but cannot remember where they are

I am literally lost within this website as well as within myself

I am working very hard at keeping the dreaded "D" at bay which I have battled with too many times.

I have had this since young apparently

I have had large gaps of time where I am mostly symptom free I think

The monster is the dreaded "d"

It is also a relative whom I have had to relinquish her hold over me.

I have only learnt about this stuff recently so struggle talking about it.

So I think of do not feed the monster as in do not think of her. Or do not feel guilty or upset or worry or a thousand other things

Also do not feed the dreaded "d" as it lurks waiting

I will not find this piece again

[mmMekitty]

Thanks Emotions26

I write 'mmMekitty' as my username because the 'mm' is short for 'mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm ... ' which is Mekitty purring' I loved her purring. She had a loud purr, like it was a machine inside her when she was a kitten, but as she built up more bulk, it was more mellow, though still loud.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hi again, emotions26 & all,

I've been having therapy for many years, a few quite different psychiatrists, this one I have now had for ten years is somewhat like the one I first saw in 1993, when I could barely speak about anything, while my inner turmoil was so intense, I thought I couldn't bear it... my PDr now, he talks a little more, actively listens, asking a few questions  or for me to elaborate on something or other I have said. He realised quickly how important boundaries & trust are to me & we've had conversations about that, as well as about abandonment, especially when he's going to have a break in the weeks ahead. He gives me plenty of notice of these breaks, just so we can talk about how I"m feeling. He treats me like I am a whole person & well, we don't even talk about diagnosis. I think that suits me, not dwelling on having any particular condition.

I have some physical conditions which seem to always be treated as if they are all separate & can be dealt with in isolation. I am irked that I am not treated as a whole person when I go to see my GP & then am sent to various specialists. It'll be that way when I go to the hospital again, for a bone scan & something else, another day, in June, which I can't recall now. & when I go to a private specialist to have my memory & cognitive abilities further tested & evaluated.

Anyway, what I am trying to say, is I think a good therapist ought to be able to see you as a whole person.

& listening does not mean passively hearing - so, unlike one psychiatrist I saw, a good therapist best not be distracted by their own behaviours, like eating an apple or crunching nuts while their patient is in the room, or phone calls, or apparently needing to make copious notes all through the session, (or whatever that fellow was doing - playing video games for all I knew).

They need to respect that your session is for you.

Thinking of that fellow again, they need to have enough respect for you to call you by the name you want to be called. When I had legally changed my name, he didn't want to use my chosen name, nor the diminutive form I suggested as a compromise.

'Bad' therapist/therapy can teach us a lot about what we don't want, helping to find what we do want in therapy & therapists.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

Hello mmMekitty

Thank you for clarifying the mmmmm's now I am tempted to lengthen your name each time.

Apologies in advance if I do not write your name correctly.

I read further down in your reply about atrocious treatment from some charleton  not respecting your name during a session. That is unforgiveable in any situation.

Did you let the person know why you were leaving?

Your journey sounds very difficult and painful.

I am pleased for you that you have someone who treats you with great respect now. He clearly has listened and has a strong understanding of your need for support around breaks. That is so very important as they really are a huge part of our lives.

I started to write about a situation in the past and am not ready to talk about anything more.

I do understand abandonment issues though.

I use lifeline in between sessions as well as during my therapist's breaks away. They have helped so much.

Ginger cats are beautiful. You must miss her.

I am the same as you. At times I have thought oh I wonder if I have ???and I have started to bring up the question; stopping myself midway saying no I don't need to think about that do I. I  don't need to have any more and he laughs and says no we won't bother about that.

As for the one eating the apple and nuts; you could have stood up and coughed near him with your hand over your mouth of course. Might have put an end to his eating at least.

I had a psychiatrist many years ago whom I saw twice. That was all that I was willing to tolerate. He sat there so bored looking, swinging in his look at how important I am chair. He started picking wax out of his ear. That did it for me. I stood up and said I am leaving now. He woke up then and whilst muttering about time not up; I announced that I had no desire to sit and talk to someone who was clearly not listening; let alone interested; as well as cleaning his ear. I announced that I would not be making another appointment as I walked out. Gosh that felt good.

I have one cat left now. He is very spoilt and a big boy.

I grew up with dogs and when my last one had to say goodbye I decided cats were easier as you can leave them for longer periods if you go out during the day. Although this boy is so clingy. He sulks and turns away from me pointing his back at me when I return home even after I have fed him.

I can't leave food out for him because he wolfs it down like a dog. He has breakfast and dinner.

I talk to mine all of the time.

I hope that you manage some sleep; rest at the least tonight.

Take care

Thank you again for your reply

Emotions26

[Emotions26]

So sorry to hear about your diagnosis geoff.

You probably have been told a zillion times that there are good survival rates and I do  know some survivors. I hope that your treatment brings you some relief and that you are in safe hands. Do you have strong support from family or friends? I you would prefer not to discuss please let me know and I will of course respect your wishes.

I also read your missing some people with whom you had responded to that makes sense.

You are a real person and would form a bond with some people who are opening up about raw emotions. You are supporting them through that and observing; being a part of their journey.

You said "who would want to stay as long as me". My answer to that would be someone who clearly has a passion to help others and gains so much in return in doing so.

Beyond Blue is very fortunate to have had your loyalty and contribution for all that time.

Do you get a gold watch after 25 years?

Do you have a post of your own? Or is that not allowed?

I was so very surprised to read that not many people respond to you.

I know I did ask the question to Kitty sorry mmme kitty your name is harder when I am tired. I asked if we are allowed to reply to champions I think.

Perhaps you could start one if not already.

People would then know that they can write to you and or other champions.

Oh dear I am renowned for making suggestions for change.

All that aside thank you.

If you don't have a post how can a member follow you?

Time for me to say goodnight

Do take care

Emotions26

I hope that you continue to gain from your experience on here at the same time receive some support back particularly at this time.

Might you consider starting a thread as mental illness is not exclusive people are still prone to physical diseases and issues.

The world seems to accept that physical diseases are a huge struggle.

They are starting to recognise in some areas to a certain degree that mental issues are also a huge struggle.

Not sure if they have yet caught up with the fact that you can have all of the above as well as everyday life trauma.

I think that your thread would be invaluable if it is something that you want to put yourself up for.

Listen to me. Advising you!

I can't help myself.

Take care

I wil

[mmMekitty]

Hello Emotions26

I am fine with you calling me mmMekitty, mmM, MK, Kitty, or LRC (another member came up with & stands for 'Little Red Cat', who actually wasn't so little). Sometimes I think of myself as adult = mmMekitty, adolescent = LRC & mmMekitten = child/inner child sort of me.

The crunching psychiatrist was the same as the one who wouldn't use my chosen name, among other things he was doing wrong. I put up withso so much, until I was very angry & did tell him I was unwilling to put up with how I felt he ws not listening or taking any notice of the complaints I had about his behaviour, anymore. It took me a long time. He simply was ignorant, not watching himself or how I was responding, or didn't care, o4 worse... & so like what I'd known from people in my life. So maybe he was just being a 'real' person, I guess. Now I know, certainly unprofessional.

*

I want to thank you, Emotions 26, for your comments to Geoff. I wasn't sure what to say.

I like waht you  wrote very much.

& Geoff, I would welcome a thread from you, too, if you ever want to talk about how you are feeling, coping & if you'd just like to reach out for support.

Your dedication to BB may well be unsurpassed.

Hugzies for everyone

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

hello mmm

like a yummy chocolate coated m & m

I thought I sensed another child in me connection

Crunching psychiatrist love that title. keep that one.

You could embellish it further

Here are some suggestions from me.

apathetic colourless vacuous

Do they help?

He was being a real person? I would think that what was real about him was the strong evidence of lack of manners; compassion; effectiveness in his profession.

Thank you for your kind words in regards to my response to Geoff.

I can't see that he would read any of these words and thoughts unless he has chosen to follow the post.

He would have so many that he is reading and responding to.

It is a pity in circumstances like these that we cannot get the attention of someone to pass on the message to Geoff if deemed appropriate.

Emotions 26 enjoying hearing from you

[mmMekitty]

Hi Emotions26

I try to remember to 'support' the post/s, especially the post/s I am responding to, by clicking the little blue heart beneath each post I want to 'support', in the hopes they have their Notifications 'on', so they will see when I have answered & also when I have 'supported this post' by looking into the Notifications list above, next to the Search spyglass icon.

I like your ideas for the Crunching Psychiatrist. I did have a nickname for him which was based on his initials, so I don't suppose I can tell you what that nickname was.

The first one I called 'Sponge', because he seemed willing to sit so still & quietly take in whatever I managed to say, & then to continue to sit still & quiet as if soaking up everything I didn't say. & when he moved interstate, I felt I had to 'ex-sponge' him from my mind & feelings.

The next after The Crunching Psychiatrist didn't get such a personalised nickname, except it was based on her name. I only saw her for about six months.

My PDr now, I have a couple options, but again, they are based on his name, so I don't think I ought to mention them here. 'PDr' is plenty good enough here.

[LRC thinks, with eyes closed, 'hmmmmm mmmmmm mmmmm M&Ms mmmmm that's a yummy thought] & that, between the square brackets is the description of an emoji, which may or may not exist. I insert some occasionally, after someone said they could not see to identify the emojis on the small screen, such as a mobile phone. I rely on my text-to-speech reader to offer up a brief description of any emojis people use.

Goodnight & pleasant dreams

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

Hello mmm

meow

This is a quick response on phone

Need to be able to read your reply hard on phone

My. Lies are back 

lights out soon

 hopefully some sleep even if just rest

will write when I can

Em 26

[mmMekitty]

Hi Em 26 (I like that).

Take your time, I understand.

My sleep is eratic. Rest is fine if that's all I get.

Sometimes I surprise myself by dozing when I only want some rest.

Distract your mind with music,

Or an audiobook, 

Or a podcast.

In other words, have something else to listen to.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[james1]

Hello Em 26,

Just popping by to hear how your last few days have been. It sounds like you needed some rest. I hope you managed to get a bit of sleep and recovery over the weekend.

I really liked hearing about your cat. He sounds very lucky and spoilt indeed! I suppose sometimes we also feel really lucky to have them around us too. I have a dog, a rabbit, and a bird, and I'm so grateful that I do. They are just the best.

James