Do not feed the monster

[Emotions26]

I am struggling to understand this website and find my way around

I have replied to some people

I think that two champions replied to my first two posts

I do not know where they are now

I have supported several posts of others

I have replied to one person I think today

I am resonating with several posts in different areas but cannot remember where they are

I am literally lost within this website as well as within myself

I am working very hard at keeping the dreaded "D" at bay which I have battled with too many times.

I have had this since young apparently

I have had large gaps of time where I am mostly symptom free I think

The monster is the dreaded "d"

It is also a relative whom I have had to relinquish her hold over me.

I have only learnt about this stuff recently so struggle talking about it.

So I think of do not feed the monster as in do not think of her. Or do not feel guilty or upset or worry or a thousand other things

Also do not feed the dreaded "d" as it lurks waiting

I will not find this piece again

[Emotions26]

HellommeMekitty

your username is a mouthful

Perhaps you have a lovely cat

I am using mobile 

will write when next on desktop

Thank you for writing to me

Emotions26

[geoff]

Hello Emotions, like all websites it does take time to know how to use them and many people feel the same way, not only here but with other sites, and very few of us are IT experts.

Depression can come and go throughout our life and certainly change how we are feeling in all different situations.

Sometimes it's quite easy to feed this depression and once you're in it, then it just happens for no apparent reason at all and can lead onto other problems.

We do try and not feed it, but it seems to follow suit and slot into everywhere we go and what other people say to us just complicates the situation we're in and that's why we prefer to be on our own, so nothing can feed it.

You can try and push it aside but in the background it's always there ready to come forward and mess up your day.

You can't really solve this by yourself because the most difficult points are always avoided and these are what need to be solved.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Emotions26]

Hello mmMekitty

Thank you for writing to me.

You asked me ages ago in a response that I only found the other day; how I managed my dreaded "d".

The answer to that I think lies in whatever day I think about the question.

I do sense that there is not one strategy that works as everytime the dreaded "d" lands it is also in varying stages of intensity.

I do have so much unresolved grief that is a huge contributor.

It does not take much at the moment for me to burst into tears or slip into the other.

This seems to have been happening now for nearly 10 years.

I am having therapy which helps although the hardest times are in between the sessions where I have to deal with whatever is dredged up or currently landing.

Life is also particularly difficult all over the world and I am a person who is intuitively affected by what is happening not only to myself but also others; even those I don't know.

I rarely watch the news these days however people tell me snippets and it is overwhelming.

I do have relatives in several countries spread out across the world as well.

I was born overseas and lived in different countries.

I feel australian and am a citizen yet there is still  a part of me that holds international history.

I am sorry to sound so gloomy.

I am better at helping others than opening up about myself.

At the same time I do not want to focus too much on myself on the forums.

I want to meet others who have life experience of a mind that has/does cause them to struggle in the real world.

Terry Pratchett I have several of his books collecting dust on my overflowing bookcase.

My mum and late dad have left me their bookcase which is beautiful and I know that will be overflowing not long after it arrives.

It is on my list to cull some of my books. Some are my late dads. Some are from school. Some are family books.

It will be hard for me to let those go.

I read mostly books from the library at the moment. Saves disturbing too much dust and too many books landing on top of me.

I love seeing them there and even knowing that they are there.

I cannot read on the e thing.

I tried some audio books but they spoke too quickly.

I cannot tolerate the american accent either.

Will try again another time.

Do you use audio books from the library or do you buy them?

I was listening to ABC short stories or something for a while and then became bored with it.

You mentioned listening to them over and over. That is a sign of a brilliant story teller in my book laugh.

Even the illustrated covers have so much detail that you come to understand the more you read.

Writing to welcoming people on these forums helps the "dreaded d" somewhat as well.

Thank you for listening

emotions26 and more!

[Emotions26]

Hello geoff

Champion alumni

congratulations

you must have read and responded to so many people for however long you have been doing this.

That tells me that you have lived through your own stories and ordeals.

You realise that helps you relate a little easier to some who reach these pages seeking to be heard.

What you do is wonderful and even if you have been told a thousand times; that makes no difference to me I am telling you now as you are helping me also as well as others who are writing back to me.

External crises; loss; even cruelty from those I trusted.

people all impact the state of my mind in varying degrees at different times.

I have learnt the hard way not to bury my feelings or I am hoping not push them aside.

Sometimes I do need to notice them and not allow them to affect me within the current moment for whatever reason.

Sometimes that reason is I already am dealing with enough.

There are times where all of the strategies and there are many that have helped before just do not work in that moment.

This is when I now tell myself that I actually have to accept that I have run out of steam.

I have been there for so many for so long and I having nothing left to give.

I am stretched to my limit.

That is not ignoring, burying or putting aside my emotions.

That is my body and mind telling me

Enough

There are many of us who reach this point.

One foot in front of the other and so on.

I have been having therapy for a very long time and have come so very far.

You are probably thinking

who are you kidding?

Thank you

Nice to  be acknowledged.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Emotions26

I hope you've had a good day today.

Mekitty was a cat I had for 7 years, up until she died several years ago. She had suddenly become very ill & there was nothing the vet could do. I still miss her, like today, when I mentioned to my support worker, how now there is sun coming into my front window, I still think Mekitty should be there, enjoying the sun like she used to. That's her in my profile picture.

I find books on YouTube. Some are difficult to listen to because of the audio quality or the reader is too fast, or the volume of their speech goes up & down to dramatically, or worst of all, there are ads.

I used to have six tall bookshelves. Now I have one for my music CDs & some purchased audiobooks. Listening to audiobooks online is so convenient. Buying them is expensive, even if I am sure I will want to listen to them many times.

I have books playing overnight, to distract my mind, which helps me get to sleep, if the book is not too interesting, but not boring either. Following the spoken words distracts me from my thoughts which may bubble up, ditto for feelings & memories, my tinnitus, bodily sensations, noises outside, anything...  the audiobooks help a lot. 

I used to think, understanding 'them', those people who have hurt me throughout my life, was the key, but now I'm not so sure. I don't want to think about 'them' so much.

Coming to a better understanding about myself, learning that I even have the same intrinsic value as everyone & can value myself, on my own, without anyone telling me whether or not I have value, am worthy, good enough, etc.

It's been a very long time learning this. 

I've felt as you do about the days between talking to my PDr*.

As time has gone by, I have realised, though it feels awful, I get through those days; I cope; I'm not broken by not being able to sail smoothly. His holidays are still times I dread, but again, I know, barring some emergency, I will cope & be okay.

Seems to me you work hard at looking after yourself, especially knowing when you have given of yourself 'enough' & need to step back. Knowing limits is very important. Caring for yourself is also important, otherwise you won't be able to do for anyone, including yourself.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

* PDr = my current Psychiatrist

[geoff]

Hello Emotions, thank you so much for your generous reply, and yes I've been on the site for 21 and a half years, where I've seen many people come and go and some who actually leave I really wish they hadn't and stayed, but then who would want to stay as long as me.

I appreciate they have other commitments but I do enjoy doing what I've been doing for so long, although late last year I have been diagnosed with leukemia and that's slowed me down.

I know how stretched you are and I don't know how many times this also happened to me and because you have had therapy for a long time, doesn't stop you from breaking down again, and you must allow yourself to realise that none of us are perfect, and even those who they are, are just kidding themselves and for them to keep hiding it, only does them worse in the long run.

Put your hand up and say, 'hey, I'm not feeling too well', there is no harm in doing this, especially with your counsellor.

It's lovely to have a reply from someone like this, they are far and between.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[james1]

Hello Emotions26,

Thank you so much for opening up in your last posts to emotions26 geoff. You said you find it harder to open up than help others and so I really appreciate you being vulnerable, yet also so clear and honest in your post. I can hear a lot of the pain you grief you mention having to deal with, and hope that messaging here gives you some place to manage.

It's so true that we can be stretched to our limit and not be able to do much more. Sometimes just coping is enough, I think. It is hard when this goes on for long periods of time, but hopefully we can get the support of those around us to get through those periods.

It really sounds like you've grown a lot over these years and gotten a better understanding of how to manage your dreaded "d".

James

[Emotions26]

a very quick  reply mmMekitty, Geoff, James1,

I sincerely appreciate your thoughtful replies and understanding.

Thank you also for not trying to advise me at the moment. As much as I know that people mean well.

Sometimes it is the last thing a person needs especially if they are overloaded.

Listening. I spout about this everywhere.

It is so powerful and so very very reassuring.

We can listen when we read of course by reading every word and thinking about the whole story in front of us and trying to look at it from another's perspective with the little information that we are given.

This is where these forums can be far more powerful than therapy sessions as it is hard to find a good therapist where both connect with each other and one that stays.

All of you clearly know the art of listening and I can feel that in your replies.

Thanking you so much.

Will try to respond individually another time.

I have written a great lengthy book to my new acquaintance on here.

I just realised mmMekitty, wow your name, I did not count the words!!

Thank you each of you for what you do

Emotions 26

[Emotions26]

Hello again Geoff

I sent a separate reply to you and my non techno skills have managed to lose it in the never never with so many other IT interractions over the years.

I will try to write to you later, possibly tomorrow now as have been on the computer too long.

Take care in the meantime

[Emotions26]

Following on from previous post Geoff, mmekitty, james1

I read my response and it is not what I was trying to say

Therapy does work very well.

Important ingredients:

Good therapist.

Willing patient to do the hard work.

Both therapist and patient relate to each other.

Both must listen (you knew that was coming)

Never be afraid to ask questions it is your right as a human being.

Never be frightened of your therapist they are a human being with feelings and more than likely have their own mental health issues on and off or at some stage

Lastly discover yourself via your mind.

It can be absolutely fascinating for fleeting moments through gruelling at times, hard work.

time to go