Do I have to?

[jjac]

I'm not entirely sure I really want to live a full life. I feel like I have already. I can see my entire life for what it is, what it will be and there isn't really anything worth hanging around for. I'm not suicidal per say, I fear death, suffering, failure (for the guilt trips from loved ones and possible disability) and something so final...but I don't want to be a part of my life anymore. I'd rather a clean slate. In all facets of my life I am not happy, and haven't been for quite a long time. If not all of them at once, just one or two more than others. I can see exactly how each option will work out. I am not happy at work, I struggle with relationships, I'm just lazy and don't care while caring too much. The solutions are always "have you tried yoga?" Seriously? Yoga? How on earth would that help?! Yeah, yeah, serotonin and movement. Of course, I am just in the "wrong" mindset and if I actually tried I could be happier. Sure sure. I just can't be bothered even entertaining such time wasting, it's just a pety distraction from the reality. This green smoothie and stretching sure makes me feel less like life is a waste of time! YIPPEE!

At work everyone demands too much, or asks stupid questions. My field is purely dealing with all of the dregs and nonsense and having to answer the same questions constantly. A problem to solve puts a cloud over me that I can't lift until the issue is resolved or gone. I don't know how much longer I can deal with stupid people and their stupid demands. How much longer can I come into work and stare at a screen all day? I've tired of all of the take away. I'll have to do this for the rest of my life? Why bother? Before you say get a new job, I am a few years away from long service leave, so why cut loose now? That and everything I have experience and training in is the same. Same crud, different workplace. Nothing would change.

I find no satisfaction in anything. I get bitter at the car that runs the red light, the subpar food I am served in a restaurant, the rude person, the rain, my washing machine, anything. I'm cynical before anything else and can't imagine constantly looking on the bright side, because when I do I am put in my place and realise I shouldn't have bothered.

I'm seen as wrong all of the time by my partner, because he just doesn't understand me. I can't get my points across.

I just want to cancel my life, cut the subscription and start again as a new person with better prospects.

[jjac]

Also I don't know if this is a cop out but I sometimes don't do things because I know he'll cut in and do them for me. Like something as simple as loading the dishwasher. I guess I don't know exactly how to do it, i'll be halfway through and he'll cut in and do it instead. Then he says that I don't do enough around the house because I don't cook. I don't cook because of other issues and I try to clean, but maybe I don't clean enough. He uses my weaknesses against me in a way. I have anxieties about cooking, hygiene wise and also failure wise, it's just another way to be criticised.* *critiqued

[jjac]

Fear that your Dr won't hear what you might have trouble explaining.

Yeah that's always a concern. I have never really been helped by a GP before, even for physical health. At the moment I am going through multiple treatments for physical conditions, they aren't working cause the GP doesn't know what they're trying to treat yet (neither do i) So I am at their mercy with experimentation.

Opening up the mental health files and explaining it properly? Sounds unfun. I know I have to though and I intend to when I can, I might have trouble booking a long appointment though as my GP closes when I finish work and I can only get in on weekends, but you can't book ahead then. So you can't ensure a long appointment. I'd need to take time off work. I have a day off near the end of May, but that may be too long.

No worries to all that are going away, it's absolutely fine. Bye for now.

[pipsy]

Hi jjac. It could be your partner thinks that by doing the things he does, loading dishwasher, being critical because, perhaps you feel, in his eyes, you're not doing what's expected of you. He's trying to 'buck you up'. Unfortunately, it's having the reverse effect, because instead of helping, you're feeling of being 'not good enough' comes on stronger. He possibly doesn't fully understand because he can't 'feel' what you're feeling. When outsiders try to help someone with depression, they have this idea that telling you to 'snap' out of it, is a positive. In reality, it's like red rag to a bull because the person with the illness become defensive/angry, crawls further into their shell. There is some information on the bottom of the page listing depression and the various signs to watch for, be aware of. Perhaps if you could download this information and let your partner read it, it might help him understand a bit more. Depression is an extremely complicated illness to explain because no-one can see it. If you broke your arm, had an accident (not deliberately), there would be something to see. Because depression is a feeling, it's harder to understand when trying to explain it to someone who's never experienced it.

Lynda.

[jjac]

Yeah, he wants me to change and be a better girlfriend but at the moment I am doing all I am capable of, which isn't enough, so when it's made apparent that I am not doing enough or I am not as smart as I should be, I get angry. I already know i am not good enough, I don't need the reminder.

He goes about everything the wrong way, his way of trying to make me change is to just ask when I am going to do things I am afraid of and make me feel worse."so you're cooking tonight, yeah?" "so, the trade off of me cooking is you're going to do *task*"

I make sure he has clean clothes every week and then if I don't put all of them away, he goes on about it every morning "so where are my clothes, get my clothes for me." He cooks and does gardening and cleans up after cooking. I try to do everything else and often drop tasks for awhile, and those duties aren't enough. I need to do more but I struggle to, maybe that means I am lazy as I have always been this way but it just demotivates me further to have him nag me. I feel trapped because I don't know how to do tasks, then I try, I do it wrong and hear about it, or I hear about how I can "improve" things.I'm not really sure how to not be me? I overthink everything.

He says he never remembers anything, but he can still recall that one time I made him cupcakes for valentines (would have to be like 5 years ago now) and used too much butter. My family liked them but he still recalls to this day the mistake I made. (i think i cut off the butter on the wrong side of the line! I was rushing as I was stressed about handling eggs) How can I make a meal for him when I have never really done it before? He just nags me non stop, but if I nag him I am being stupid. I worry because these are things I can't immediately fix about myself, but he expects immediate results, and I am only doing these things because I "feel" like it. I am just lazy and stupid and if I wanted to, I could do those things for him, but 'I just don't want to.' He doesn't say I am lazy and stupid, but I know he resents me for it. I am letting myself down and I don't know how to change, it'll take a lot of time and therapy to get me to a point where I can do things expected of me.

I think if i tried to show him articles, he'd just think I was being weird. I could try but i don't know for sure. I can barely get him to listen when I talk, let alone show him an article. If he has nothing to say he just ignores me or doesn't acknowledge I spoke, if he did hear.

[pipsy]

Hi jjac. Perhaps this is not the right time to mention this, but your partner sounds as though he could have a narcissistic personality. The way he constantly berates you when you don't do it, his way. The constant telling you, you're weird, lazy etc. There is an article on these forums pertaining to narcissism and the various personality traits. Could I suggest you have a look at these and if you do recognize in your partner, some of these traits, you may have to rethink your future with him. Narcissists have to be in control 24/7, everything done is their way or no way. They have a way of twisting things to make it appear that they 'love' their families/partners/spouses etc, but in reality, they are incapable of true love. Another trait is the incapacity to realise they have this personality. They blame everyone else in their lives because they believe themselves above everyone. I'm sorry if this scares you, that is not my intention, but from what you've said, he sounds very narcissist. He could become violent if cornered, this is not usual, they can't afford to be seen as violent. They need to be seen as caring, loving, charming. I'm hoping for your sake, I'm wrong, if I am, sincere apologies.

Lynda.

[jjac]

I worry I paint him in a very poor light, and sometimes I worry that maybe I am the narcissistic one. He is very charming and has to be different and an individual. He has a very strong personality and is a pretty "normal" guy. He'd NEVER physically harm me, he just isn't that type of person and he doesn't get angry to that degree, He is the one to shut down anger from me and other people. He won't dignify people with answers when they're angry enough. Or he'll shut them down saying "you were the one who had to keep pushing this topic, I didn't want to"He does anything he can to avoid confrontation and if we argue he will say he was never fighting, I was, but not him. He just cannot do that stuff. He's just there defending himself against me being annoying.

He doesn't take my anger seriously because it happens a lot. If someone is rude to me and I fume about it he just says "oh, GET OVER IT, who CARES?" but if someone is rude to him he's allowed to be annoyed. I was able to shut him down the other day though, he started to go on about something (annoying but solvable, he was intentionally staying in a lane behind a slow person and complaining) so I told him to get over it. It got quiet after that!

It doesn't scare me, sometimes I question myself, I question him, I don't know who is right or wrong. I interpret things one way, but maybe it's not the truth? Maybe he is perfectly reasonable and my mind skews everything so severely? I see it as being that way, but I've been wrong before.I honestly don't know but my feelings can't all be lies, right?

I've been trying to determine where he falls on the narcissistic scale. Maybe slight tendencies? I am not innocent here though I am sure I have issues too.

I am only certain of that fact, he'd never and has never harmed me physically.

I worry if I had counselling, i'd tell them this truth that might not be 100% the truth in the real world and then they'll determine i need to do things but...in reality I am mistaken. Like i'd be lying? but not intentionally...I feel like a liar.

[CMF]

Hi,

youre not painting him in a bad light. You're telling us exactly how he/his actions make you feel. My daughters father is like this. Everything he says and does is correct, the rest of the world us wrong. Won't take advice from anyone but if he dies, and it works, won't admit it. He has to control everything and can't handle if you argue a point or challenge anything he says. If you challenge or question he's say 'why are you arguing with me?' I feel this could e the root of your problem. You're depressed, tired,feeling worthless. Pinsky us spot on in y opinion. I alwYs defend my daughters father, say what a good person he is, how he tries to help others but I sometimes Es think I'm kidding myself as I've seen the other side of him.yes he will help, but it has to be his way or he gets upset, even giving ultimatums to get the help.

I really feel this is triggering how you are feeling.

cmf

[jjac]

I agree it could be triggering me (especially my anger) but he's definitely not my only problem and completely responsible for it. I was depressed before him and I had difficulties with other issues. I guess at the moment I am feeling more dark than anything else so I went for the depression threads but I am also anxious and have OCD tendencies. (was diagnosed a decade ago) I was before I met him and went through much worse times.

It doesn't help to deal with certain issues though, and there are people out there that act that way and I guess we'll never determine why.

Sometimes you just want someone to see your side. He shows compassion when I am just closed off and quiet but when I react and am provoked it just ends in fights.

[CMF]

Yes, I totally get it.

with regards to your anxiety and OCD look into vitamin b8. Not many people know about it but it does help.

Cmf

[jjac]

So sorry I didn't see your post earlier up. I'll look into those vitamins too.

have you had a break recently, a holiday? have you considered going back to study? Is this an option?

I don't really take holidays, the thought of the stress of planning and then going on one has always turned me off the idea. So I just don't go on holidays at all. I take time off work sometimes but usually just sit at home.

I'm not really interested in studying anything, I've tried looking but nothing stands out and I don't have any other goals career or knowledge wise. I find I just get demotivated and tired of study and can't wait for it to be over because I dislike the challenges that come up (speeches etc) and just want out. I studied to get the job I have now and I really didn't like it at all. Nothing really feels useful to me. That and I work full time so it would really eat into the free time I have, which I feel like isn't enough! haha. I just don't know how to find something I am interested in thats realistic. I am just not into anything.

I just feel sort of empty, it doesn't matter how much rest I get or how much I reward myself, I never really feel any better. The next day I am just as drained.