Depression like a fire - Sometimes it smolders, sometime it's an uncontrollable inferno.

[Gajas]

I've been dealing with depression for appox. 40 years. It's everpresent, smoldering, then suddenly flaring into an all consuming feeling of loss, fear, approaching doom and dreadfully explainable loneliness. It's a pit so dark and deep no light can be seen. Noone can know what it's like unless they've been there, it's the most foreign of foreign places, you can't fully explain it to someone that hasn't been there and seen the sites. But, the misery passes and medication can help, it may take some searching until you find the right doctor/s and meds, but you must keep searching. My greatest regrets bought about by my condition is the pain l've caused to people that love and care for me. I hate my own self pity, l've seen some awful things, l've been directly involved in the accidental deaths of at least two people, one of them was a small girl. I'm here whining about how miserable l feel, l can't even begin to know the misery l caused the family of these people, accidently or not. Today l was asked to recall detail some of the trauma l've witnessed and its left me feeling empty and dead inside. I know it'll pass, but while it's here the pain is almost unbearable. Writing things down or talking is cathartic, it lets some of the mental pus out of the abcess l live with. Thank you for the oppurtunity to write this here and thank you for taking the time read it. It has eased the pain and settled the flames a little in the process.

[LisaT]

I can relate to how you describe your depression like a fire. There are days for me when it seems to be a flicker and there are days when it rages. Yesterday was a not so good day. I feel for you as it sounds like you have been through a great deal. You have given me some courage to keep on going.

[Gajas]

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. If its helped you in even a small way its worth it. Even when the fire is at its worst it can't burn you, it only makes the old wounds feel worse. And that's the thing, they only seem to be bad. Sometimes l sit somewhere queit with my eyes closed and imagine the thing that makes me feel so awful being inches away fom me. I reach out and try to grab it, so far l haven' t even been close to touching it. I know that if its not touchable, that its only in my mind it can help. Sometimes. Have courage and fight back, there are more of us than any of us can know. One last thing, never be ashamed of how you feel, its not your doing, its something that none of us want, but we're been dealt the hand and we need to play it the best we can.

[White_Rose]

Dear Gajas

Thank you for your post and welcome to Beyond Blue. That was a heartfelt comment. I expect it cost to write, even if you gained some relief.

Yes the extremes of depression are hard to live with. I have found, just like you, that guilt is the worse, whether it's real or imagined. I know all I can say is that I am sorry for all the hurt I have given anyone and I will think more in the future. That's all we can do. There is no way to atone. Start to forgive yourself for the things you are sorry for. Trite though it sounds, you cannot change the past.

Fire fighting will eventually take its toll of you Gajas. It's time to work on letting go. If you are like me you feel that apologies and self-forgiveness are an easy way out. If we are all constantly saying sorry and grieving over our past mistakes no one would ever go forward.

Instead concentrate on the good you can do. Not as an atonement but as part of life. You are no better or worse than others. Constantly beating yourself up means you are missing the opportunity to make positive contributions to your life and the lives of others. This is where depression feeds your brain skewed information.

Tell your brain to go jump, you are going to act in a positive manner. Easy? Not a chance. Worthwhile? Absolutely. The Black Dog needs to be brought to heel and taught its place instead of directing your life.

Do you have any professional assistance such as a psychologist? It may be worth while to try this. Someone who is skilled in helping those with depression and who can give you objective information about yourself and how depression works.

It does require strength and courage and determination to carry on when everything gets tough. I've been in that pit and as you say, it's not nice. I went back last week and it was no better. But I got out quickly.

I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in I am lost…
I am hopeless
It isn’t my fault
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don’t see it
I fall in again
I can’t believe I am in the same place
But it isn’t my fault
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it is there
I still fall in…it’s a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is MY fault
I get out immediately

I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Dear Gajas

I am  checking in to say I hope all is well with you.  How are you travelling?

I would love to hear from you again.

Mary