Depression - life

randomxx

Hi to all.

Some will know l've had my ups and downs for sure but l wanted to start this as a new and separate thread bc the old one wound up all about gf ex.

Just for the most that won't know though and happen to drop in, l got rid of of my place 6mths back and went caravaning 51/2 mths, just couldn't deal with another place at the time and just felt like a bloody good break and rest first.

Wasn't sure how l'd feel about it but it wasn't bad and at times really nice just being free for a bit but later 50s there were also the worries of what to do when l get back. Well back now is too my other place it's not really that l had two houses the second one is just a country block with a cabin in a tiny town that l just rent out, never lived there. Well the tenant moved out so that's where l've come back to, l need to fix it up and sell it toward my new place.

This little town this whole thing , not doing me any good at all in this stage of life. l did have to get out of my other place don't regret it it had to be done but it's just been such a huge last 10yrs or so. Divorce and all thenlater on just broken up with later new gf now ex just last yr and now all this and here l am in this place- and then l'll be somewhere else to where l'm thinking of moving to, maybe even building . lf so it'll only be small and minimalist buttt, ldk

Just feel like total bs it's all too much and it's like what in the hell am l even doing especially here right now and at this age but ldk how else l could've done things.l had to get out of my last place, l have to be here to fix up this one and it's somewhere at least to stay, it'll be a few mths.

Been coming here 20yrs keeping this place up and all the same people are still here couples been together and still here all that time and still sitting in their homes watching tv and doing their lives together.

The total opposite lives to mine and now l;m even single and here doing this and then wherever later restarting again andddd, it's all just sooooo, words l can't use here.

rx

Sophie_M

Hey randomxx,

Thank you for your post.

There is no doubt that the last six months or so have involved a huge amount of change for you. Selling or moving house is often very near the top of the most stressful things someone can do, especially when it is somewhere that doesn’t feel like home to you.

It sounds like things aren’t where you want them to be right now and that is always incredibly challenging. Add to that the thought of fixing it up and buying or building a new place and it can feel overwhelming very quickly. These are all things that can take huge emotional energy.

Is there anything that has happened in the past week that has made you feel any different, or anything that has helped you get through the week? It really is a lot for one person to be managing.

Please feel free to keep us updated along your journey. You’re often here for a lot of our Forums members, so we are here for you, too!

Kind regards

Sophie M

randomxx

Ah thku Sophie your a kind soul but it's ok, in afterthought l was happy to just let the thread fizzle. lt is weird though how some get nothing yet others never stop buttt, in this case though it might have been blessing.

But nah nothing much different happening , l'm just going on with reno'g the 2nd property. Nothing much has changed but l am kind of enjoying the work at least so that's helped. l've also kinda accepted though too that this is the best way to handle it bc staying here is all making things so much easier, faster and much much cheaper and so when this is done then it'll be done and l'll be able to move on without worrying about any more of it.

Thanks again for your kind thoughts .

rx

Eagle Ray

Hey rx,

I just wanted to send you support. It’s not easy being in uncertainty about the future. It’s good you have a project to focus on. I understand the feelings though.

I feel in a state of uncertainty myself. I’ve realised I don’t want to stay alone but also only want to go forward in life with someone else if they are really the right person for me (and me the right person for them). In relationships of any kind, including friendships, I have found I can no longer be in situations with people that don’t feel right.

I think somehow it’s about staying true to your own heart and it eventually leads you in the right direction. But there can be many lonely struggles along the way. I totally get how those struggles can leave you feeling down at times because I’m definitely moving through such struggles myself. I think staying open to possibility can help. I’m also finding the better I know myself the more potential I think there is to connect with others in healthy ways. I have a tendency to withdraw in self-protection a lot based on past experiences but I’m hoping to be braver and connect with the world more.

Anyway, I hope your spirits lift soon. Maybe there will be some opportunities to connect with others in neighbouring towns, even if not in your small town. I think being in a small town can be a bit hard in that there are fewer opportunities. I have a bigger town half an hour from me and I’m trying to encourage myself to get more involved there to meet more new people. It takes energy of course and I don’t always feel up to it, but gradually trying to expand my world a bit.

Sending you care and hope rx. All the best,

ER

randomxx

Hi er and thx v much for the support and thoughts as well as your own situation. lt helps so much when someone else can relate a bit doesn't it.

This place though ah, truth is last thing l need atm is this job l've got other things to do and places to be buttttt, has to be done. I've had to put this place back together after tenants so many times though thk God the building is very small and the property although big is also quite easy to clean up. So all in all with lots of practice from the other times if l have to be here and doing it yet again then at least all that's kinda made it easier and in some weird way enjoyable.

This place is still in my old area but kinda the on the other side of our main town from there. So you still use the same towns it's just a sort of coming and going from the far side instead but there's also another main town on this side too, same distance so you have two now from here, plus other smaller ones on this side too we normally wouldn't use from the other side, so l get some extras on this side ha ha.

lt's funny hearing you talk though bc you relate from your areas but most people don't do they unless they live it. l certainly know what you mean though and yeah you never do know do you . l mix towns l use up a lot, did from home on the other side too.They all have different vibes and people and l go where l feel like on the day. But l was also as your saying trying to push myself too earlier, and up into our main town on wkends and stuff from home just to get myself out and amongst it more. l'd take the kayak up on wkends got a gorgeous water ways there with lots of people just beaching or roaming.

Sometimes l'd just feel empty coming home later though ldk, a loneliness or something or like l'd forced myself out, something !!!!

All that is hard isn't it and for me, l really don't know where the line is bc as you said , exactly , like true to myself would've meant l really couldn't be bothered going up there on wkends and the same with many other things. Or this place or staying here either .

lt's so weird though isn;t it, bc if we don't well ,then nothing. Mind you though l do normally love just nicking out and about to any of the towns for whatever reason any old time and def' love my kayaking but the main town wkends, ldk, never quite sits with me.

lt's hard to get brave again isn't it, l probably wouldnt even be single now if l'd just let that flow instead of protecting myself but l know with just people and life in general too ldk. lt's not easy sometimes is it.

big hug

rx

Eagle Ray

Hey rx,

It's good you've got those town options in more than one direction. I find it really good myself to get out and see other places, like it shifts something to do that. I do get what you mean though about the feeling when coming home sometimes, like a sort of loneliness.

I find getting stuck into some of my interests, such as photography, helps me. Just getting absorbed in something. When I do get to spend time with good people it does really lift me too. Two weeks ago I drove to a town an hour away to catch up with friends housesitting there and they are such lovely people that it really made a difference. Someone close to me died only a few days after that and I think the catch up with those good friends just before even buffered me against that loss. So I think we do need other people and it's just finding the right people.

Kayaking is such a peaceful thing to do. A lot of people kayak here along the river. I imagine it could be particularly magical in the early morning if it's a bit misty and there's plenty of water birds and just very beautiful and atmospheric.

Yeah, being brave is hard. I've had to get over a lot of past fears linked to my specific history. Still working on it. But I think I'm getting a bit closer to making the things possible in my life that I hope for. But I think I'm also learning to find peace in the present moment, at least some of the time even if not all the time. That feels important somehow in the process.

Anyway, take good care rx. We are always here for you whenever you need a chat. Really wishing you the best and big hug to you too,

ER

randomxx

Morng er and ahh, thx v much for that too.

l'm ok kinda in a different place now to when l first got back and started this thread, l've come to terms with it l guess- bit of a shock earlier and especially after just being so care free caravaning for a good stint.

Proud of you getting out and catching up , glad you drive too wasn't sure if you did, good on you well done. You sound in weird ways in such a similar place in life atm to me . Dk how to put it but there's been times l'e thought well why don't l just stop bothering with this life thing and nudging myself. Sit around instead, to hell with it, watch movies, stay home, roam, eff it all. Ha, maybe it'd fall into it's own shaoe and place and happenings if l did- who knows right. Maybe l'm pushing, forcing, there's a line, l believe many things in life can or should or something, just all happen on their own , yaknow. Sometimes the nudging feels like a chasing though , and if you chase something it'll just run away anyway right sooooo- once again- where's that bloody line.

On the other hand though, like your saying, you do often feel good that you did, so that can't be bad right.

It's been such a twilight being over here. My d's got over thk God, missed her so much away but to be seeing ea other here at this place was kind of bizarre too. Then my brother from interstate stayed a few days and we went looking at properties he's thinking about. Then my other brothers only 10mins from this side, we've caught up had a few drinks, it's all been weird though from this place, but those things have been really nice none the less.

One thing l was really happy about having to come back to here- there was the best ever food place 15k up road- with a very very cute Asian girl there too and we'd really hit it off another time l was over working on this place. Their food and her kept me going ha ha- but they've sold up - wTTT. l'd thought well at least l can go over there for lunch damn it - gone. New owners have ruined it- nothing stays the same anymore.

But yep for sure kayakings my therapy , unfortunately l'm missing it so much right now l'm looking for a new one. My old one took off on it's own tour up on the river where l was. Strong currents there l came in for a rest didn't drag it in properly looked up later and she'd sailed off solo. Gone off on her own tour ha ha, never saw it again. Loved that yak damn it and we had a history to sooo, on the hunt for anothery atm, hopefully before the weather ends.

You take care er hey.

rx

Eagle Ray

Hi rx,

I'm remembering you mentioning the kayak drifting now in another thread. She must be having a nice holiday down the river. If she makes it all the way down to the ocean she might go on a world tour 😂 I hope you can find another kayak you like soon and get out again.

Yes, I think you might be onto something - that sometimes we are pushing hard for particular outcomes. But sometimes just taking care of ourselves and creating some space for ourselves, things start to open up. I find I start to see myself more clearly when I slow things down a bit and I think that helps to then know how to go back out into the world differently too. It's like I need that balance of self-time and reflection but I absolutely need to connect to the external world too.

It's really nice you have seen your daughter and your brothers too. It is weird, isn't it, when we are in a different place but seeing the same people. It's a change of context. I'm sorry to hear about the great food place changing and the cute Asian girl not being there anymore. Some people really brighten up the world. It can be hard in small places to find a good lunch place.

I hope you are having a good day rx and you take care too,

ER

randomxx

Hey er , thanks for that and yep classic she's prob on her world tour by now.

But yeah that's the go you find your middle, balance. That's a weird one for me though bc l've worked for myself all my life and easy hrs so l've always just done what l want through the wk so that tends to be when l get out and about and roaming mostly but really the wkends are better people wise bc most can't do much until the wkend.

Where as l tend to like just kicken back wkends , so making an effort or any longer drives to wherever, days out, wkends is always weird to me and takes some nudging.

Can't believe that food place, new buyers often ruin a good business don't they eh. But yeah it's been pretty nice catching up with a few nonetheless though. Should l ask how the stuff at your units have panned out or should l shut up on that one ? Hope it's been ok and blown over anyway.

Eagle Ray

Hey rx,

Yes, that's true, that many people are more available on weekends. When I think about it, visiting another town on a weekday can even feel a bit sort of isolating because there is that sense that most people are engaged in their day to day activities/work etc, whereas perhaps the atmosphere is different during weekends and holiday times. I can relate to the feeling of uncertainty about things as I feel in a kind of limbo myself at the moment, like I'm trying to figure out my place in the world and sort of find my way back into the world after being in a kind of self-protection mode the last few years.

It's disappointing when a good food place changes like that. I find those places become like a friendly, familiar thing and then when they aren't the same anymore it can feel a bit disorienting. But hopefully, maybe in one of the towns around, you will find somewhere else that you really like. It's great you've had those catch ups with family.

With my unit, I've decided I just have to stay here for a while as I'm just not up to moving. The thing is, in many ways I'm in a really good place - a safe town and so peaceful here. I'm not sure in time if I can really start to feel more connected from a people perspective or not. I've got two trips to the city later this month, one to do petsitting and the other for work on my car. For the second trip I'm staying in a suburb that I'm considering as a potential place to move to if I did go back to the city. I'll at least get a feel for it. There are quite a few new apartments in that area which is a less expensive outer suburban area, so I have thought it may be affordable for me. My concerns with the unit I'm in now is around the age of the place and ongoing maintenance issues, but I'm just going to have to gradually work my way through one thing at a time and not worry about the totality of it.

Anyway, I hope you are having a good day and week rx. All the best,

ER