Depression is so Exhausting

[ro63]

Hi All, Have had depression for around ten years,It is envioromental depression if there is such a thing I don't think it is a chemical imbalance as there is no depression in the family that I know of altough my mother has high Anxiety and will never admit it ,she isn't good at admitting things I have to say, particularly the mental abuse we suffered and even at 53 still getting it today altough my sisters get far more now than I do as I don't see her much now, and avoid her like the plague but still get panic attack when I see it's her on the phone ,so damage done too deep to just forget.Married a woman who is pretty much the same only with far more venom and we barely speak and I have to end this marriage and soon or it will take me this time. I just have'nt the strength for the torrid battle it will be and she will use our son as a weapon against me that I can't avoid.It kills me he is 17 and is autisic and has the worst OCD that 3 doctors and 5 psycologists have ever seen (their words). he washes his hands 50 times a day is paranoid about germs and fumes so will not go out of the house without a major battle ,and has also a phobia about flies ,and we live in sydney so summer is an absolute joy as you can imagine.I am not on any meds as I was for 7 years and will not go down that road again ,have seen many psycologists with varying degree's of assistance ranging from little to none.One has been very helpful and very well known so when I watch tv I see her often I aso do her work I am a tradie so it is a little familiar and Fills me with shame when I think about how she must feel about me ,even thogh I know it isn't the case and I know it's just the ruminating thought patterns creating a false reality it still hurts me.I have hit a place where I haven't been before in as much as I don't want to go out and I don't want to exersize which I normally do crossfit 4 times a week and yoga twice a week I have just hit a wall and feel paralized ,

[blondguy]

Thanks for posting back Ross

Nice1 having your new therapist. You have a good attitude.

I understand about having a toxic home environment and how hard it can be to self nurture. Just surviving is hard!

If you ever get stuck with the anxiety just hollar out. It took me a long time but have tricks up my sleeve if you ever need them.

I hope you have a reasonably okay weekend Ross

Paul

[Quercus]

Hi Ross,

Just dropping by to see how you're doing? Have you been trying to take some time out for yourself? Hopefully you've been able to continue your morning walks on the beach.

Listening to podcasts and meditating sounds like a good idea. Can you still do yoga with your injuries or giving it all a rest for now?

Anyway just hoping you're having a good week. Take care.

[ro63]

Hi Quercus, thank you so much for dropping in ,doing better today and have therapist tomorrow so looking forward to that , yes still doing yoga and walking which really helps a little sore still but able to push through and do it,the podcasts and meditations help out too ,hope you had a good weekend and that transforms into a good week for you too ,All my best Ross.

[ro63]

Had therapist last night and was a good session plenty to think about ,As it turns out I have been denying that I suffered from trauma ,When I told him my story ,a good chunk of it anyway ,He looked like he was going to pass out ,he had a look of shock .which scared me a little bit ,I had always thought of trauma as in a war zone or a violent attack I didn't think I qualified ,I kinda do now and it's a bit weird as to how to proccess it ,but it was a good session so I will find ways to proccess it a little at a time so I can deal with it ,mmmmmmm work to do !

Ross.

[blondguy]

Hey Ross

Thats good news with your counselor...We are both similar ages.....I have also had a therapist mention that I have been through trauma too....I agree with what you have mentioned about the meaning of trauma....and if I may quote what you said.....

"I had always thought of trauma as in a war zone or a violent attack" This is what I have always thought too Ross and am still trying to understand the meaning of the word 'trauma' as well. Looks like we both have lots of homework to do 🙂

If I can just say that you have provided some great quality support to people that are in pain on the forums

My Best

Paul

[Quercus]

Hi Ross,

Just wanted to drop by and thank you for your post. It made me smile. Thank you I appreciate your support.

How are you feeling now after therapy? I found after admitting to things I'd squashed down for years I felt ok for a few days and then it was like a can of worms had been opened. So just be kind to yourself ok.

It's a good thing that you're open to talking and accepting the trauma. It sucks to dredge it all up but in the long run it does help.

And we're all here for you. Talk, vent, say whatever you need to. But you're not alone in this.

Take care of yourself Ross 😊

[ro63]

Hi Paul And thank you once again for your kind words ,yes we are close I think in age Iam 53,going on 75 some days and 53 going on 12 on others ,yes It was an interesting session which is good and absolutely a lot of homework to do have also joined mindspot so will start that in a couple of weeks ,so will let you know how that goes ,All my best Ross

[ro63]

HI Quercus, hope you are having a good day today,the session was good but as you say it does suck to dredge it all up but better out than in I think although it won't be an easy fix.thank you so much My best ,Ross

[geoff]

hello Ro, I'm sorry, but I've just had a look at your post, sometimes it's not possible for someone like me to look at every post, but I sincerely apologise, because what you have written means a lot to me, and I haven't read all the other posts as yet, but will certainly continue when I have. Geoff.

[geoff]

sorry, Ross I didn't address you with your name. Geoff.