Depression is so Exhausting

[ro63]

Hi All, Have had depression for around ten years,It is envioromental depression if there is such a thing I don't think it is a chemical imbalance as there is no depression in the family that I know of altough my mother has high Anxiety and will never admit it ,she isn't good at admitting things I have to say, particularly the mental abuse we suffered and even at 53 still getting it today altough my sisters get far more now than I do as I don't see her much now, and avoid her like the plague but still get panic attack when I see it's her on the phone ,so damage done too deep to just forget.Married a woman who is pretty much the same only with far more venom and we barely speak and I have to end this marriage and soon or it will take me this time. I just have'nt the strength for the torrid battle it will be and she will use our son as a weapon against me that I can't avoid.It kills me he is 17 and is autisic and has the worst OCD that 3 doctors and 5 psycologists have ever seen (their words). he washes his hands 50 times a day is paranoid about germs and fumes so will not go out of the house without a major battle ,and has also a phobia about flies ,and we live in sydney so summer is an absolute joy as you can imagine.I am not on any meds as I was for 7 years and will not go down that road again ,have seen many psycologists with varying degree's of assistance ranging from little to none.One has been very helpful and very well known so when I watch tv I see her often I aso do her work I am a tradie so it is a little familiar and Fills me with shame when I think about how she must feel about me ,even thogh I know it isn't the case and I know it's just the ruminating thought patterns creating a false reality it still hurts me.I have hit a place where I haven't been before in as much as I don't want to go out and I don't want to exersize which I normally do crossfit 4 times a week and yoga twice a week I have just hit a wall and feel paralized ,

[ro63]

Hi Quercus,yes In a bit of a spot, there will be no talking and my son will be used for sure ,I am terrified as to know what to do or where to go but I will see a lawyer that is a good idea so at least I know what my rights are just try not to think about it too much lately with all else going on but I need to start making a plan and try and think of a life after .Thank you so much for your thoughtful words I hope things are better for you today ,All my best Ross.

[Quercus]

Hi Ross,

That must be very hard to deal with anticipating what's to come knowing it's going to hurt you and your son.

I'm glad you found the lawyer a good idea. It also might help to have a third party to speak when things get nasty and overwhelming for you.

You mentioned ADs are not for you and that you see a psych. Have you seen them recently? I feel for you it must be absolutely draining waiting and dreading. I'm sorry for bringing up the therapy if it's not possible. I hope that didn't frustrate you.

How's your yoga going? What is it about that that helps you? I don't enjoy yoga so I am actually curious why that helps.

Take care 😊

[ro63]

Hi Quercus,I will seek out a lawyer thank you it is a good idea especially at the moment as I am in a comfort zone albeit a not very comfortable one ,it's hard to break that groundhog day type of thinking at the moment as I just have no energy the stress really takes it's toll .No the therapy thing did'nt frustrate me at all, I thank you very much for your advice ihave been to a few over the years and have'nt seen one for about a year maybe i will look into that again,I need to get back to doing more yoga i have cut down to one class a week and have really felt the difference with yoga its not so much just the stretching and exersize of it thats good ,which it is and stops me being sore it keeps the ache's away ,but it's the breathing techniques and meditation side of it that helps the most ,thank you once again for your kind words ,i hope you have had a good day these forums are keeping me sane at the moment ,All my best Ross 🙂

[ro63]

Feeling a little better today last week has been horrible car died and had to get another one, but it all went well so was worrying that it was worse than it was, started seeing a new councellor last night so i will see how that goes went for a walk along beach this morning before work hence the new avatar was a positive day so i'll keep this image as a reminder ,just take the good ones when they come,so something to build on .

Ross.

[Quercus]

Hi Ross,

I did notice your new picture I like the light streaming in the top corner very hopeful. Glad to hear you're having good moments and able to enjoy them.

Early days with the new counsellor but did you find them comfortable to talk to? It's such a good thing I find to have a regular appointment to talk through problems. Plus it makes the bad times bearable when you know there's only a few days till help and support.

Thank you for your replies on my thread. Especially seeing as you've had a difficult week too. I appreciate it.

Still not sold on yoga I'm afraid. I have heard people mention the breathing aspect but it's not my thing I suppose. I find bushwalking is more my thing the isolation and quiet (and plants haha always about the plants!)

Hope you keep taking the small positive steps too.

Take care Ross 😊

[blondguy]

Hey Ross

I just read your whole thread. I felt like I was reading my own background. We seem to have a lot in common.

I really feel your pain and anguish Ross. I was in the family court for 6 years and having heavy duty anxiety at the time I made myself worse by stopping my ex taking our daughter interstate inn 1996 when she was 3 years old.

I feel the pain you have for your son. That would be heart wrenching as well as a separation thrown in.

Can I ask how your anxiety is going? As in frequent or sporadic attacks? I wasted 13 years of my life thinking I could self heal after my first mega anxiety attack when I was 23. I was so wrong.

I just thought I'd let you know that I have been through the same including the 'venom' you mentioned where partners are concerned. I am 57 and the severe anxiety has gone but has morphed into a low level social anxiety. I live alone which doesnt help matters either. I take a small dosage of an antidepressant every day since 1996 as I was getting worse and my female GP at the time read me the riot act as I was very anti meds. Just for me it was the smartest move I have made in my life. My work performance and relationships all improved (just for me)

You have a full plate Ross. (understatement of the decade!)

You are a good proactive guy Ross with so much to give

Please be gentle to yourself in this difficult period.

Its really great to have you as a part of the Beyond Blue Family Ross

Happy to be here for you my friend

Paul

[ro63]

Hi Quercus, Thank you for your kind words especially at the moment I hope you are having a better day today ,saw new guy and seems nice and he is very empathetic ,so it looks promising I have come to the end of the road as far as this depression and anxiety goes and I am waking up fearful every morning so I am just over it beating me up so i am going to attack it in every way possible and try everything so i will keep you all up to date with anything i find that helps me you never know it could be the smallest little thing that helps me change direction ,thank you once again ,My best wishes Ross.

[ro63]

Hi Paul, Thank you so much for your kind words ,I can't imagine how hard going through the courts is going to be just don't have the mental strength for that right now ,My anxiety is very bad at the moment where i am not sleeping well and seem to be in crippling fear about every little thing It has hit me out of the blue really i have general anxt most times but is usually managable ,with exersize and healthy diet ,I have been off meds for a long time and am in two minds about going down that road again ,I think at the moment I am just overwhelmed with too much happening at once and when the home is full of negative energy it makes it worse when you have no santuary so to speak.I started to see a counsellor yhis week who primarily deals with men as all the others i have seen have been female so i will have to see how he aproaches it so will let you know ,I think also the fear that I am 53 and this will be the last crack at it so i am going to hit it hard this time with whatever i need to do ,I am aware now i have to nuture myself ,i thought i was by hitting crossfit like a lunatic ,but have realised that i was just punishing myself to the point i tore ligaments and broke a bone in my hand doing it and loaded with painkillers and carried on for another month until the pain just got too bad and i had to stop ,which i needed to do ,so i willbe more sensible in the future ,well i'll try anyway:)I can relate to you living alone ,in as much as i work alone and find when i am down it is not a good thing to do to be alone with my thoughts so i am looking at doing something else,Thank you paul so much for your support and kind words ,Thank you my friend ,Ross

[Quercus]

Hi Ross,

Good to hear you're going to a new counsellor. I really find a male therapist easier I hope you find this change helps you too.

Hitting the crossfit till you hurt yourself isn't healthy at all though! Have you spoken to the therapist or GP about this? I'm not sure how it fits with depression but before my meds I'd get in frustrated/angry moments and do things like that which were self harm. If you haven't spoken about this you should consider it.

Your situation is horrible and I'm thankful you have someone like Paul who can guide you from experience. You mentioned the word sanctuary. Is there anywhere private and safe you can go on a regular basis just to try unwind? I find it does my head in to have nowhere in the house I can be alone or have peace and quiet. Hence why I loathe living here. I don't want to go out just want to stay home but be alone. Is there anyway you can have a space just for you even if its a couch in the shed or your own study with a lock on the door?

Thinking of you.

[ro63]

Hi Quercus, yes the crossfit thing as my therapist said was me punishing myself ,so I will give that a rest for now well have to as I have torn ligaments still in arm and knee ,but hand has healed so getting there ,I don;t have a santuary and like you say it does my head in , ther is nowhere here so i listen to pdcasts and meditaions before i go to sleep so it is more a metal santuary rather than a bricks and mortar one right now, but am starting to make time for myself now ,thank you so much for your kind thoughts as always hope you are having a better day today ,All my best Ross