depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

Aly1987 · ‎02-01-2015

I'm new here, this is my 1st post. I'm really isolated because of my issues and have been for 2 yrs since I gave up a long term addiction to drugs and cut ties with the ppl I used with. I've suffered from depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for yrs as well as ocd and anorexia. I thought that getting clean would solve all my problems and I'd b able to live a normal life, get a job ect and convinced myself that all my problems stemmed from drugs. So when I was hit with depression and anxiety and all the ocd thoughts slowly crept back in over the past few months and everything I worked for in recovery fell apart bit by bit as the mental illness took hold again I have been shattered by the realization that it wasn't the drugs causing mental illness but the mental illness causing me to feel the need to escape with drugs. Now I'm very concerned about my future, I can't stick to anything for long b4 I am stuck at home again, too anxious to go out. I don't think I'll ever hold down a job or live a meaningful life. Anyway I thought I'd try this website to reach out to others who might understand. Aly.

Aly1987 · ‎02-01-2015

I really appreciated the email from the beyond blue team, I was pleasantly surprised that they sent me a personalized reply to my earlier post. I have got a psychiatrist who is very good but being on the DSP I am not able to afford to see him much because I'm also on the suboxone Program which is expensive. I am just feeling very ashamed of what my life has come to, I don't have much to show for my 28 years, I don't have any qualifications, never had a real job, ex drdrug addict, I feel like a pathetic loser and I don't have the energy to keep clawing my way out of this enormous mess I've made of my life. I'm not as young now and I'm wasting my life away just locking myself in my house, too tired and anxious and scared to do anything. I'm losing hope that I'll ever get married and have a family of my own. I'm just plain tiered of everything. I hope there is someone out there who might relate to what I'm saying who could give me some advice. Thanks, aly.

JoJo_B · ‎02-01-2015

Hi Aly1987! I am so sorry you are going through all of this. You are amazing for giving up your long term addiction, that takes so much bravery and courage. I have been struggling with alcoholism for the last ten years due to my anxiety, ocd and depression. I thought I had a grip on it but I really have been in denial drinking every night to alleviate all of it until it woke me up in the middle of the night and then the merry go round begins again. I had my last drink on NY eve because I just can't continue like this anymore. You are not a pathetic loser. It takes so much strength and courage to fight this. Jo xx

Aly1987 · ‎03-01-2015

Hi Jo B, thanks so much for ur reply! Well done for deciding to stop drinking, I know how difficult it is to take that step, especially when you get used to having that vice to lean on every day to escape from anxiety and depression. I wish you all the best with that! I was addicted to meth/ ice and opiods and was very unhealthy physically and mentally for a long time. When I got clean, after the initial sickness and depression with the withdrawal, I was feeling good for maybe 6- 9 months, I had ups and downs but I managed to get volunteer work at the salvos and felt like I was worth something. But it didn't last long, I started to get really tired and the ocd thoughts crept back and within 2 mths I felt too anxious and ttired to go to the salvos, I now find it hard to leave the house again and I'm starting to think that I'll never be able to sustain anything productive for long at all. I wish I could work with animals, that's my passion, I love animals but can't stick with study long enough. I'm thinking of doing a 12 week program for borderline personality disorder as apparently it's good but I don't have the energy atm. I don't drive so makes things hard.

I hope that u have support around u to help you in these early days of giving up drinking? I did a great 12 wk program with Drug Arm when I got out of detox that was amazing help to me in those early days, I highly recommend it. I'm not keen on AA and NA meetings myself, I found it to be a bit cult like and weird but it helps some ppl. I hope you have family who u can talk to about things as well, my mum is really amazing support for me, I'm very lucky to have her! Anyway, thanks again for ur message, I'm new here so it's so nice to get a reply! Aly.

JoJo_B · ‎03-01-2015

Hi Aly, I am new to this as well. I live on my own, my family having left (divorce, adult child) and I have three weeks off work for a break but finding it terribly hard being at home but too anxious to get out and about. I keep thinking I'm in my early 40s and look at me, nothing to show because of this illness, so I understand what you were saying in your first post. I feel so lost and stuck in a rut and I want to get out but don't know how.

Thank you for your encouragement. It's wonderful that you have a supportive mum. What you have been through to give up addiction is truly inspiring.

I am a very private person in real life, I have my adult son who lives in the same city, I don't tell him what is going on because he is very sensitive and it would stress him out. The rest of my family are overseas and I have talked about it with my sister, she also struggles with alcohol and anxiety but she has a very busy life with her big family and doesn't have OCD.

I am also not one for AA meetings but know that it has seemed to work for others, which is great. I was drinking a bottle of red wine a night to get me to sleep. I would start drinking at 7pm to help me relax and it worked. I also have a chronic illness which doesn't help matters and the alcohol was medicating that as well.

I need to get to the root of this constant fear and shame I feel and I just don't know how. I have gone to therapy over the past 15 years since I was diagnosed with OCD and clinical depression and it hasn't helped one bit. I had a very traumatic childhood and have major trust issues because of it. And I guess because of it I am a very good actress pretending I am ok all the time because people at work, my friends, have no idea that I am suffering this way. I have thoughts about ending it all but I could never do that to my son, it would destroy him and that keeps me going.

I love animals too, my dog passed away just over a year ago and I am still so sad about it. A friend asked me if I wanted to volunteer at a local dog shelter she knew of, but just the thought of it was exhausting, so I understand why you were so

tired volunteering.

Studying is a good thing, I have started studying to change my future and pushing through the chronic fatigue that comes with the illness I have by going to uni after work is really hard but I have to do something. I have to get off this merry go round.

Thanks for your reply Aly. I hope through this forum, we can both find healing.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

geoff · ‎04-01-2015

dear Aly and JoJo, welcome to BB and thanks so much for posting both your comments, and I can absolutely relate to both your remarks, the only exception is that I have never done drugs, but I have OCD for 54 years, and self medicated with alcohol, lost a marriage and tried a couple of the medications on the suboxone Program, so really this is a complex post, and that's even better.

I just want to send this reply back to the both of you now in case you are checking on any further replies, but don't worry I will follow this up in a couple of hours, because it really interests me. L Geoff. x

JoJo_B · ‎04-01-2015

Hi Geoff, thanks for your reply. I have had OCD since I was a little girl, I could relate to your other posts on this forum regarding the cracks. I used to avoid them too! I would count each step in between the cracks all the way from home to school and back etc. I grew out of it eventually, but replaced it later with checking and cleaning like a maniac when I became a mother and after leaving an abusive relationship. I have grown out of those mostly as well, unfortunately I liked the cleaning aspect of it LOL because now I struggle with housework but the checking was awful thinking we would get burgled because I didn't lock up or the place would be in flames and we wouldn't be safe or it was my fault. I still get checking urges once in a blue moon but not to the scale I did.

During my marriage I used to have scary thoughts of hurting my husband and son, then it became that I would think

I would hurt a friend if I went to their house so I stopped going. Then my mother came to stay and I was so freaked out I would hurt her too. I think I have these bad thoughts so that I am on my own and nobody can hurt me or to keep people I love at a distance? I don't know, I'm still trying to work that one out. I haven't had those thoughts for ages, I guess because I isolate myself. I think OCD helped me to dissociate from traumatic events that happened when I was little and I don't know how to tell myself that I don't need to rely on the OCD mechanism anymore to keep me safe because I am safe.

On the outside, you would never think that I was going through this. I have only used alcohol to medicate myself, I haven't had a doctor or therapist put me on any meds or even suggest it for OCD. A doctor did suggest medication for the clinical depression but

I was scared to take it in case I went psychotic.

It's a very lonely illness to have, especially in a marriage with family and with friends because you keep it a secret as much as you can but on the inside you are faced with terror. OCD kicked my smoking habit though.

I was afraid I wouldn't put out a cigarette properly and it would burn the house down. So it was good for that.

I think my son now has OCD tendencies when he is stressed a relationship is going to

end. It worries me but he knows he can talk to me about it because he knows I have it. He saw all my checking when he was a kid unfortunately, I did try and act nonchalant when I did it because I did worry he would get it or think he had a crazy mum.

JoJo

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

geoff · ‎04-01-2015

dear Aly and JoJo, I just lost my post so I will have to start again, that's OK but the second reply you tend to loss what you typed before.

I hope that this can be rectified by BB.

As you can see the three of us have been or still are in the same position, and I hope that this post can continue because Rome wasn't built in a day, and it really is a complex one, well not really.

Aly you have 6 major issues while JoJo has 5, if I am correct, and then I have 5, it doesn't really matter it's a massive amount to cope with.

Aly can I start with you, firstly it's a fantastic effort to stop the drugs, because what they can do is just draw you into a different world, which indeed costs you heaps of money.

When we have OCD it's always there, but when we use alcohol or drugs this will enable us to make us forget about what habits or rituals we do, or we still do them but they don't create any problems, but when we stop using these toxins our mind is much more conscious in doing them, so yes you can say it grows back, but in actual fact it doesn't, because we have it, and it does drive me mad as I'm sure it does to you.

You make a very valid point 'mental illness does cause us to feel the need to take these toxins', because it numbs us, however I can't compare them as I have never used drugs.

I am not sure how long you have to stay on this medication that was given to you on the suboxone program, but I would think it would be for awhile.

When we take this special medication we have to be determined in our own mind that we want to stop taking them, otherwise it's a waste of time and money, and it won't work.

When I was taking them I was not ready to stop, so I was taking them for no purpose, although I have abstained a few times by going cold turkey.

There is a problem for the both of you, as I only social drink now, and that is if and when we hit a rough spot then there is a tendency to fall back and use them again, so that's why you need a support system in place, which is vital.

I am losing space, so JoJo I wonder whether your marriage fell apart because of the drinking, as it was one reason why my wife divorced me, she loathed it and so did my 2 sons, so now I live by myself, which I do enjoy, but I do miss the company.

It's so unfortunate that your dog passed away, because my did, and it seemed like yesterday, but I had her for 18 years, and now I have Moo-Moo in the picture.

I really hope to hear back from you or any other people. L Geoff. x

JoJo_B · ‎04-01-2015

Hi Geoff, I posted earlier but it is yet to appear and then I just saw your new one. I certainly believe that my drinking contributed to the breakdown. We met when we were 20 and were drawn to each other due to similar childhood traumas. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship, it's what I was used to from childhood, I saw my dad hit my mum and saw that when she stood up for herself she got smacked and then he left, so my takeaway from that was that to stand up for myself the worst could happen, I could get hurt or I could lose something dear to me. It was proven to me in the first relationship I mentioned and also in my marriage. So I'm always anxious and obsess over something when I need to stand up for my rights, I am worried that I'm going to get hurt really bad or lose everything.

I didn't start drinking until I gave up smoking in my late twenties and then the drinking got bad when my chronic illness reared its ugly head. I couldn't cope with the abusive marriage, the OCD and depression and the illness and trying to be a wife and mum as well as working full time with a demanding job. I was literally an exhausted wreck just trying to cope and then I slowly had one drink, then two, then three and then a bottle a night after the divorce to relax and help me sleep. It made me numb. My ex had his own addictions that contributed to the breakdown also. We were totally incompatible from day one, it was a co-dependent relationship.

I miss my dog so much. I spent every minute when I wasn't at work with him. He sat with me through my divorce when I cried my eyes out, lay with me after my surgeries and we would walk and I could talk to him. NYs was especially hard because it has been just me and him since the divorce. Dogs are very calming when you have OCD and anxiety I believe.

I haven't had a drink for three days and I feel so anxious and trying to work on relaxing with apps on the phone. I don't think I could ever be in a situation where I can drink socially, I have a few functions coming up and already I am thinking about how to combat those situations by drinking sparkling water etc, I know it's going to be tough, I just want to change the situation I'm in.

Do you still see your sons Geoff? I'm close to mine, he is very protective because he has seen what I have gone through, unfortunately the cycle repeated from my childhood to his which is so sad, he is an empathetic and loving person and we support each other always.

JoJo

Aly1987 · ‎04-01-2015

Hi JoJo and Geoff, it is so nice to b able to talk to ppl who I can see understand what my situation is like. JoJo, I can very much relate to what u wrote about ur past relationships as I've had similar experiences, both in childhood with my parents relationship and then by the time I was 17 I was with a 32 yr old man who I spent many years with, he was in and out of prison thru those yrs and it was very tratraumatic, after I left him I found myself with an even worse and more violent man and it was a drug relationship, both hooked and he made me believe I was nothing, a useless junkie which in the end I was coz I lost all hope for myself. Finally he was so awful to me and my dog 1 day I left him and that's when I started my detox and that was almost 2 yrs ago. I also live on my own, I have a dog who is 11, I've had her since I was 16 and I also have a cat who is about to turn 3. I love them and see them as my kids with fur and I agree with Geoff, they make a huge difference, they are the best therapy and I really sympathise with both of u that ur dogs have passed, it would just break my heart to lose my girls so I'm so sorry for ur loss. Geoff u made a good point about how the merry- go- round of use of drugs and alcohol with mental illness goes, u certainly spelled out how it went for me. I've been clean for quite a while now except the occasional smoke but that's only every few months. Some medications are good in the way that they can block the receptors in the brain from withdrawal or cravings for the drugs and can make me very sick if I used any other drugs or alcohol. But when I' m really struggling with depression, I feel so tired that I don't have the energy to walk to the chemist and I have to every day to b dosed. I drag myself there every day. I get depressed about being on medication tho as it's another drug that I need every day and if I don't take it I'll go into withdrawal the same as other illicit drug withdrawal and it does have side affects. My mental health worker and doctor want me to go on anti depressants but I'm so obsessed with my weight that I' m terrified it will cause weight gain even tho they say they can put me on 1 that won't I'm still anxious and also I've been on meds b4 that made me worse and I' m scared. Anyway, thanks again for keeping in contact, I don't have any social life right now and not well enough to start 1 so this is a big help to have contact with ppl who understand. Thanks, Aly.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.