depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

Aly1987 · ‎02-01-2015

I'm new here, this is my 1st post. I'm really isolated because of my issues and have been for 2 yrs since I gave up a long term addiction to drugs and cut ties with the ppl I used with. I've suffered from depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for yrs as well as ocd and anorexia. I thought that getting clean would solve all my problems and I'd b able to live a normal life, get a job ect and convinced myself that all my problems stemmed from drugs. So when I was hit with depression and anxiety and all the ocd thoughts slowly crept back in over the past few months and everything I worked for in recovery fell apart bit by bit as the mental illness took hold again I have been shattered by the realization that it wasn't the drugs causing mental illness but the mental illness causing me to feel the need to escape with drugs. Now I'm very concerned about my future, I can't stick to anything for long b4 I am stuck at home again, too anxious to go out. I don't think I'll ever hold down a job or live a meaningful life. Anyway I thought I'd try this website to reach out to others who might understand. Aly.

Aly1987 · ‎06-01-2015

Dear JoJo, yes I do think ur right about my brother, he loves me very much and I know he thinks that by trying to get me to believe that there's nothing holding me back from getting my life going that I'll somehow b able to do it, something like that I think but it just makes me feel like he thinks I'm just lazy or not trying, it's so hard coz I'm not a lazy person at all and I can't stand lazy "bludgers" who just don't give a crap about anything. it is exhausting putting on the "im fine" mask in front of him and I also think that because I don't show him how I'm really feeling that it feeds his theory that I am fine and just not Trying hard enough. This morning I'm not coping well at all, I was awake half the night stuck on worry thoughts and could not disengage from them, 1 being that I have plans with mum to go to monato zoo for my 28th bday Feb 4th, I'd love so much to go see the animals but it's a full day trip to Murray bridge and I'm over thinking it, I'm worried that I will look weird and expose the extent of my eating disorder if I take my own fat free snacks for the day when mum and my brother will eat out, I don't want to stand out, and just every aspect of it stresses me so I May cancel the whole thing. Then this morning I found an injured rosella on my way home from the chemist, I asked 2 men in a Ute to help me as I was on my bike, they had a cardboard box and we were rounding up the bird, it bit 1 of them and then bit me, I'm so glad I got it and convinced them to take it to the local wildlife hospital but I have such a paranoia about contracting hiv or hep c that now I can't stop panicking what if that man had something and by the bird biting both of us I could get it? I'm actually thinking of calling the counselling hotline to speak with someone to help me cope with this distress about it. I'm always having blood tests. My ex had hep c and I'm so lucky I don't, I have ptsd from the worry it caused me being so careful not to get it and especially having ocd, I still have a massive fear of getting a bad disease.

Anyway, that's great that ur studying, I find it hard to stick with study and seem to over think assignments and go off on the wrong tangent! But education is a great asset and I wish you all the best with that! I hope ur feeling good about abstaining from alcohol as well, it's a huge step and doesn't always happen on 1st try but as long as u keep trying u will get there, if u get there 1st try, AMAZING!! Have a great day 🙂 Aly.

JoJo_B · ‎06-01-2015

Hi Geoff, glad you stopped by. I wanted to have a chat to you about OCD. When you are in the midst of it, what are your survival strategies? Do you ever have panic attacks? Sorry for the questions, but I was just wondering if you had any tips since you have had OCD for some time.

I had a panic attack this afternoon, heart palpitating and chest tightening and I am not drinking so everything is more amplified. Before when I felt anxious, or having a panic attack, particularly in the afternoon, I would think, just a few more hours and then I can have a bottle of wine. I don't want to drink again, but I do want something to help the anxiety when it hits during the day. I woke up and the first thought I had this morning were OCD ones and normally when I go to work I'm too busy thinking about work that I don't have OCD thoughts. It is literally doing my head in thinking such negative thoughts as soon as I wake up and its worse because I'm on annual leave. I just feel doom and gloom... ugh! So I found "Mindfulpeace" who has some guided meditations on youtube and it was fantastic for anxiety. I'm going to try that whenever I'm feeling anxious or panicky. It was so good I started crying when I was repeating after the person speaking because it kind of shook my soul.

Hey Aly, I hope you had a good day today, hope you are safe and well with your furkids.

JoJo

geoff · ‎07-01-2015

dear JoJo, with these negative thoughts that you are experiencing, well they were no different for me as I used to always think that I wanted to hurt Mum, punch her or bite her, but I could never work out why, and of course it annoyed the hell out of me, because I loved Mum so much and would never do anything to hurt her, but I had these awful thoughts.

I could never overcome them, until the day she went into the nursing home, her mind was active and nothing wrong with it, it's just she had a knee replacement and couldn't walk, so Dad put her into the nursing home as she also had incontinence, so he could continue on with his affair to the next door neighbour, which Mum didn't know of.

One day I went in to see her by myself, and she knew how she would end up in a few years, so she said to me 'darling can you put me out of this misery, I know how I will end up', I said I wish I could Mum, but I can't, this was the day that made me stop thinking what I had always thought, that is I could never hurt her, she was my Mum and I loved her so dearly.

She ended up being like a vegetable, didn't talk, barely opened her eyes and ended up like she never wanted to.

I would have agreed for euthanasia, because she was way passed living a decent life, but that's another topic to talk about.

In regard to any thoughts of doing my habits/rituals, and yes I'm still a human being, is that I do them now without even worry about them, just like you do when you are at work, as I had it for 54 years so it's part of my nature.

I have learnt not to stress over them any more, no one sees me doing them, and if by chance I am caught out, I have an answer which covers me.

My OCD has changed over the years, like I can walk on the crosses on the footpath now, and those that I did when I was much younger I don't do them but some have been replaced by other ones.

Just quickly before I run out, in the previous there was one ritual I had to do, but now circumstances have changed so I don't do them now.

I may not have answered your queries but I have run out of space, but please ask. L Geoff. x

JoJo_B · ‎13-01-2015

Hi Aly. I didn't realise you had posted your last comment, sometimes it takes so long before they get posted up and then you can easily miss a comment and I kept checking the bottom post and not checking earlier ones until today. I have been thinking about you.

Did you ring the counselling hotline in the end? I hope they were able to help you. Are you still feeling anxious about going to the zoo? There is nothing wrong with taking your own snacks. I take my own snacks if I need to because I am losing weight and no, I don't want to eat cake or anything else that will make me feel sick, I want to lose weight and get healthy. I tried mindfulpeace's youtube Guided Mindfulness Meditation on Overcoming Anxiety and Fear and it is fantastic. He has a soothing voice and you relax and repeat what he says, it is helping me. The first time I listened to it, closed my eyes and repeated after him, I cried and it was such a release. I recommend it. It's about loving yourself and freeing yourself from anxiety and fear.

Thanks for your encouraging words re the study, I tend to over think it and procrastinate so trying to not do that at the moment. Still not drinking and I am losing weight slowly and healthily so I am happy about that. I am back at work and back in my routine, being at home made me feel more anxious than ever and my heart palpitations have calmed down since being back at my desk and around my work mates.

I used to worry about making other people sick with my cooking and it used to worry me sick and I used to make gorgeous cupcakes but had to stop making them because it was just stressing me out after I gave them away. It was just not worth the stress so I gave it up. They were gorgeous too. All iced up with fondant creations. Once my dog ran off with the icing bag (after I had finished with it) and I found him licking the buttercream icing in absolute bliss... that's a nice memory, cheeky little devil ;-).

OCD is the worst, especially to be worrying over getting a disease as well. I once rescued a bat that had a broken wing and my male neighbour came to help and he picked up the bat when I told him to wait and the bat bit him, so I was so worried about him getting a disease and told him he needed to go to the travel doctor to get the correct shots. I worried for ages afterwards that he might not have.

Anyway, I hope you are well Aly and still checking this forum, take care.

JoJo x

Aly1987 · ‎16-01-2015

Hi JoJo, sorry it's taken me so long to reply, I hope ur still going to read this. I haven't been coping recently and been isolating myself even more, it gets to this point where I'm so ashamed of myself not progressing and I avoid any cconversations with ppl in my life coz I don't want to have to explain that I've basically done nothing for months now, I just get paralyzed by anxiety and depression. I'm not going to go to the zoo for my bday, I cancelled that coz I was too anxious about it. I'm just getting more and more angry with myself for bailing out of everything and not even having the strength to get a bus to see my psych. I can't really afford him regularly anyway but he's really great. I found out today my ocd group that I wanted to start Going back to isn't at my community ctre anymore, they moved into town and I know I won't be going to town so that upset me. I'm losing hope. It's great that ur still not drinking, that's a massive achievement! And also that ur back at work, I know that if I was able to stick to anything that having routine and ppl around during the day does make all the difference. I can't seem to do it but wish I could. Those cupcakes sound wonderful! I can tell that u have a passion for making them, I totally get how distressing it must have been worrying that u might make someone get sick, those nasty ocd thoughts always creep into the things we enjoy the most, like the bird for me and worrying I could have caught a disease. Past few days I've been getting shooting pain in the side of my head, sort of weird headache and I keep thinking I've got a brain tumour or aneurysm, maybe it's stress. Anyway, I hope ur Still there coz I like hearing from u and been thinking of u too. Stay strong xx