depression/ anxiety merry-go-round

Aly1987 · ‎02-01-2015

I'm new here, this is my 1st post. I'm really isolated because of my issues and have been for 2 yrs since I gave up a long term addiction to drugs and cut ties with the ppl I used with. I've suffered from depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for yrs as well as ocd and anorexia. I thought that getting clean would solve all my problems and I'd b able to live a normal life, get a job ect and convinced myself that all my problems stemmed from drugs. So when I was hit with depression and anxiety and all the ocd thoughts slowly crept back in over the past few months and everything I worked for in recovery fell apart bit by bit as the mental illness took hold again I have been shattered by the realization that it wasn't the drugs causing mental illness but the mental illness causing me to feel the need to escape with drugs. Now I'm very concerned about my future, I can't stick to anything for long b4 I am stuck at home again, too anxious to go out. I don't think I'll ever hold down a job or live a meaningful life. Anyway I thought I'd try this website to reach out to others who might understand. Aly.

Aly1987 · ‎04-01-2015

JoJo, I just wanted to add well done for staying sober for the past few days! Honestly, that's fantastic! And u have more than u probably think, if I'm right it seems like u work, that's a real advantage, I've never had that and it's a huge problem for me now as the thought of going out of the house to work really is very overwhelming to me and it's another reason why I feel useless and bad about myself as I want to contribute to society. U also have family, that's so important, especially when going thru the first weeks of sobriety. Anyway I just wanted to help you see that u have got positives, it's just hard to see it in our own lives sometimes, especially when going thru depression and anxiety. Aly.

geoff · ‎04-01-2015

dear JoJo, thanks for replying and I have to say that I'm so sorry for not talking to you in my reply, because we are in the same boat.

Yes after the divorce and the house was on the market i didn't have much trouble with the eldest son, as he too has OCD, but I had to work hard on my youngest son as he was suffering from depression, but thank, who ever, I can't say god because I am an atheist so luck, feat or love the relationship with both of them now is great, we are very close.

My eldest always rings my so that he can talk about things, and so does my youngest but as much as he lives about 9 - 10 hours away and the reception isn't the best.

With my dog it was exactly the same as what you did, she slept with me, went with me everywhere and anywhere she was not allowed into their house I would never go there and when they asked me why I don't call in and see them I tell them, she knew exactly what I was doing, sitting with me at loo, sitting outside the shower and probably the same as yours.

It was a total heartbreak when I had to take her to the vet just as it was for you, Moo-Moo has her funny little ways but can never replace my Tessie, and funnily enough my good friend Neil has now got his got his lovely mother's dog who is called Tess, who if I could take her, but I can't because Neil and his family just adore her.

Being in an abusive marriage is nothing any one would want, and how sorry I feel for you, because I have never ever hurt my ex or any female as I was brought up that this is totally disrespectful and should never ever be done, as my Dad was a GP and never hit Mum or any of his 5 kids.

Your comment ' I'm always anxious and obsess over something when I need to stand up for my rights' and I know what you are talking about and understand completely, and perhaps the abusive marriage has been part of why this has happened, and the big question is how do you cope with this or at least overcome .it, well you have a solid base and that's your son, but that's just a beginning.

Due to the medication which is mainly my anti-epileptic and antidepressants (AD's ) I go to bed early, because it's a heavy dose to control my epilepsy, which was caused by an attack, I log off about now, but I am back at about 12.01am, not 12.00 thanks Mr. OCD.

Look forward to hear from you and I hope that Aly can log in. L Geoff. x

JoJo_B · ‎04-01-2015

Aly, thank you for your support. I have only told my sister that I've stopped drinking and you are right, I do have some positives and I need to focus on those.

I am very grateful to have a job that I love. It's the first job I have had that suits me and where I am mostly supported and respected. I never believed I would ever find a job and that I would find one that makes me happy and I have found one and now it is allowing me to go to university. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could be doing that.

I understand your feelings of being overwhelmed. When my son was little and I had just left an abusive relationship, I didn't want my son to grow up on a single mother's benefit and I felt so bad and useless as well being on it briefly. Who was going to hire me? I had no skills, I didn't finish high school, I grew up on my mother's single benefit too and feeling overwhelmed by the OCD which wasn't diagnosed and not wanting to leave the house.

I started with baby steps. I started going to a computer school and then I slowly began to create confidence, it took a long time and I put up with a lot of insecurity but I got through it. You can too Aly, with baby steps, you got through drug addiction and that is amazing and I believe you can do this too.

You are incredibly strong with what you have been through especially with anorexia. Having an eating disorder is horrible, my mother had it and I binge when I am severely anxious.

Your life is not meaningless Aly, you brought kind words to me today and that has meaning to me.

JoJo

JoJo_B · ‎04-01-2015

dear Geoff, I'm glad to hear you have a great relationship with your sons. Being a parent is such an important role and I feel like I botched it up a bit with the male role models he had, I am so grateful my son is in my life. I've told him that if he ever needs to talk about anything, if he feels I did him wrong etc, then I am here for him and I will take responsibility where it is due and we can discuss it. He is an awesome human being and my family all tell me what a great person he is so I think I have done something right but it's mostly to his credit. When he gets anxious he comes to me and we talk about it with no judgment which from my experience I know is so important because I pretended with everyone that I was ok when I wasn't because I was so afraid of being judged or locked up for the bad thoughts I had too.

Geoff, dogs are the most awesome creatures created in my opinion and I can't believe how many are abused and abandoned. One day I will get another one when I am no longer studying so that he's not on his own. My boy was my shadow too. Everywhere I went, he went, except for work (unfortunately). Leaving him during the day while I was at work made me anxious so I didn't go out after work or on the weekends unless he could come too, I wanted to make sure he was happy. Before the divorce my ex worked from home a lot so he wasn't on his own during the day until I was a single mum. My son and I were with him when he was put to sleep and he died in my arms, I am still grieving his passing.

I've stayed single since my marriage broke up, I had to take a lot of time to think about why I was in such co-dependent relationships where I wasn't respected. Respect is so important to me. I think you just made me realise why I get anxious for standing up for my rights, I wasn't allowed in my childhood which I was aware of, but I certainly wasn't in my marriage, my rights counted for nothing and I was afraid of being smacked. When I finally stood up for myself, I did get smacked and my marriage ended. I think that is an issue I am dealing with at the moment, I need to stand up for myself but I am worried it is going to be an awful outcome, I am going to give this more thought.

Thanks for taking the time to chat Geoff, it is so nice to chat with both you and Aly.

JoJo

JoJo_B · ‎04-01-2015

Aly, I just saw your earlier post today just now. I had posted twice and the first one didn't get published and now it has shown up much later than the second one.

I'm so glad you saved yours and your dog's life when you escaped your last boyfriend. I believed I was nothing too in my marriage but it was their own inadequacies and our lack of self-worth that made us believe that. We are somebody and we deserve happiness.

I'm glad you have two fur kids, they are special and give so much love, hold on to them when you feel at your lowest, I found giving my dog a massage and brushing him helped - he got his knots out and I felt less anxious, win-win. The love I felt for my dog was unconditional just as it is for my son. I am still heartbroken that he died, I feel his presence everywhere - so sometimes when I really miss him, I tell him out loud and it helps.

You are so incredibly strong, you may not feel like you are at this moment, but later on down the track when you are no longer on the medication and you are feeling better you will see that yourself. Be kind and loving to yourself, that is what I am focusing on at the moment, to have compassion for myself and not be judgmental, I am tired from all the self criticism. No one else is doing it to me so I have to stop doing it. JoJo

Aly1987 · ‎04-01-2015

Thanks so much for ur encouragement JoJo, yes I feel exactly the same as u said u did at 1 point, I never finished school and have no qualifications and the only job I've ever had was at Woolworths when I was 15 and quit school and left home, then life got harder and I struggled more and more with mental illness. I don't even know where to start or what I would really b able to cope with, I've thought about an online animal course so I can do it from home and I've got a spare room and have recently thought about fostering animals, maybe injured and baby animals short term fostering. I've got a long way to go and honestly I'm not very confident that I'll ever b very successful because I have such long periods of time where I just go down completely and I can't even think because my mind is so overwhelmingly stressed and the simplest task is really difficult. Anyway, it sounds like we are all dog lovers, I'm the same with my dog Ruby, her whole life I've been right next to her 24/7, I take her everywhere too. my cat and dog are my best friends in the world and sometimes all I want is to b home with them and not have to face the world outside at all. I think first off I need to think if I can find some small step forward in my life that I can do from home. Even thinking about trying anything right now sends me into a panic attack but hopefully soon I'll be able to at least start thinking about what I could manage.

I think u are very strong to have gotten out of the abusive situation with ur ex, when I was in an abusive relationship, I lost my whole identity, it's like he chipped away at my personality bit by bit and b4 I knew it I had no idea who I was anymore. I know there can be alot of beating yourself up after getting out, it's hard to imagine why on earth u were with them at all. It happens over time subtly and they destroy ur self esteem so u think u deserve it, well, that's how it was for me. I'm still working thru alot of baggage from all that and I feel safer on my own atm. I also have borderline personality disorder so I have a problem with getting into really intense, bad relationships for some reason and I just don't want that to happen again so yeah, better off on my own, I just wonder if I'll ever have a family that's the part that gets me down alot.

Well, stay strong and thanks again for ur support. Aly.

JoJo_B · ‎04-01-2015

Aly, we both need to take things one step at a time, and to be gentle with ourselves. We have been through a lot. I too lost my identity, I was also isolated from everyone and my ex pretty much took over my friendships until they were contacting him and vice versa and I didn't know until we broke up that he was telling my friends I wanted nothing to do with them and I was so confused as to why they acted weird around me or they fell off. That he was doing that was so scary. He had all my passcodes, knew everything about me, I wasn't allowed any privacy and I thought I was nothing. So scary that I had such low self-worth that I am better off on my own until I heal and I am like you, I am no good in bad relationships, next time round it will be with a wonderful person who respects and cares about me but I'm in no hurry, I have lots to do first ie. learning how to stick up for myself without having so much anxiety.

Aly, I have a friend who didn't work until she hit her mid thirties. She had no qualifications nor had she worked because she had been raising her kids. She went and did some training and then got a job. She was worried too and didn't think anyone would hire her but they did and she is doing really well. There are a number of people who don't work until they are older and the reason doesn't really matter. If you have the right attitude and show that you are serious to a prospective boss, you will find a job.

Stay strong Aly and keep the faith that you will get better and be able to have a job and a family. I already can tell that you have a big heart and very caring about others. The most important thing for you is healing. I also wanted to say that you are 28 years old and I work with women who are in their early 40s just beginning their families now. There is always hope. I STILL have people telling me I can meet someone and have a baby....LOL, not for me, I would rather have fur kids!

I worry about where I am at too at my age but I see that there are women who have lost everything and then they get back on their feet again later in life. That is me. I'm changing my life with baby steps and you can too. Even if your goal for the day is to walk to the chemist, then that is an achievement. Take care, JoJo

Aly1987 · ‎05-01-2015

Hi JoJo, I really appreciate your posts, I can see that u understand where I'm at and it's comforting coz lately I've felt so missunderstood and it makes me isolate myself even more. I especially find it hard being around my brother when I'm going thru a bad patch coz he doesn't want to accept that I have any mental illness and sometimes I feel like he thinks I'm not trying hard enough or I'm letting him down all the time. even tho he's watched me go in and out of hospital over the years with anorexia and anxiety and depression when I've become so unwell. Like u said in 1 of ur posts, it's invisible from the outside so other than the fact that I have been severely under weight at times, no1 can see how much I'm going thru on the inside. I actually didn't go to a family dinner last night to avoid explaining myself, I get very anxious about food and I don't want to eat anything outside my routine meals I eat every day so I feel so awkward sitting at a table not eating. Plus my brother is always suggesting I should get a job and doesn't understand how exhausted I am with depression and ocd thoughts and rituals. I don't have to do as many rituals as b4, like u I grew out of alot of them but my ocd is more internal now with unwanted thoughts that won't stop ect. I am actually really inspired by the things you have posted, u have overcome alot! I feel too tired right now to push myself to fight, it seems I'm always fighting so hard to do things that other people just do without even thinking about. I'm having a low day today so everything is looking even more overwhelming than usual I guess. Anyway, it's nice linking in with ppl who understand. I hope ur having a good day. Aly.

JoJo_B · ‎05-01-2015

Dear Aly, my day was ok, I have been catching up with studying and it's overwhelming to say the least. Maybe your brother hassling you is his way of showing you he cares? I don't know. Sometimes when people are worried they can come across all judgey or pushy. It's hard when the people who are meant to support you are the ones who don't realise that they aren't. My physical illness can be crippling sometimes and people, even family including my son, don't understand so once again, you pretend that you are fine because you are expected to wear a mask that says you are ok. I think some of my anxiety is over that too because I am constantly hiding my feelings. It's so tiring doing that.

Depression and anxiety is exhausting when you can't sleep, your mind is constantly busy so I hear you Aly and I'm sorry to hear you're having unwanted thoughts, that is really distressing.

I am anxious about food too. Just the thought of being invited out to eat rich unhealthy food freaks me out. I have a tendency to overeat or binge and can't say no to food if it's there so the good thing about being at home is I can monitor what I put in my mouth. I have been bingeing since I was a child to cover the anxiety, I used to steal food from the kitchen cupboards and gorge on it in secret until my stomach was in so much pain that it overrode the anxiety. I also have an issue with digestion because of my illness so I'm changing my diet to hopefully help it. It worries me when I have to restrict certain foods and calories to heal and lose weight because it can set me up for a binge. I went to an eating disorder clinic last year and they were able to help somewhat but not about my physical illness.

Anyway, even though you are tired of fighting, know that you are someone who has meaning in this world, be gentle with yourself and just cuddle your fur kids, they will make you smile. They don't care if you are fat, skinny, or whatever. They love you just the way you are. Wouldn't it be great if all humans were like that?

JoJo

geoff · ‎06-01-2015

dear JoJo and Aly, I haven't replied back because you two are having a great conversation between each other, but I am still reading all your posts. L Geoff. x