Depressed partner leaving

[Fen]

• I was in a six year relationship with my partner. We had what I thought was a loving, stable and solid relationship. When my partner became depressed the relationship also ended as they broke it off without much warning. 
  
  

My question is, do depressed partners come back once they’ve recovered and they can access emotions such as love again? Do they disappear or come back for a friendship or to the relationship they once had? 

[Croix]

Dear Fen~

I can't realy answer that as I'm still subject to milder bouts of depression at times, it has not all gone. It is not a cut and dried process, quite apart from being different for each person.  Assuming you can get your partner to recognize there is is a problem and gets medical assistance there could be a chance he will feel differently in the near future -though that depends on so many things.

His own attitude, he has to want to be helped and will try, not just coasting along. The selection of medications can take a very long time, going off on onto another takes time too, as does changing dosage strengths.

The type of therapy is important to, some people respond better to some types instead of others.

I was lucky in my psychiatrist, but still went though a number of differing meds before finding the right combination, so my recover was slower than many. I had after all not recognized or understood the problem for far too long.

If your partner changes you may wel notice it before he does, my partner did.

Croix

[Fen]

Thank you for taking the time. I think they’re on meds now. But the response to me has only worsened over time. 

I suspect the depression triggered abandonment issues. Seemed to think I didn’t want to be with them or spend time with them. Perceived abandonment. And then there was a total rejection of me, pushing away, being critical and seeing me in a negative light as someone who wasn’t there for them/couldn’t be relied upon or trusted. It’s incredible how these thought seemed to take over. It has also been incredibly  sad for me to loose my life partner on this way. With no way to communicate in a way that would be heard. 

[Croix]

Deaf Fen~

What you say and the actions you take would not have registered in my mind, it was too full of the thoughts put there by the illness.

it was only later that I realised the role my partner had played in my life. Her constant presence, certainty of remaining and love only became realised later -though they payed an important -though not realized - support at the time.

Please do not think me, and my partner's experiences echo your own, each person is different. I did not suffer from abandonment issues (as far as know) which makes a big difference, it means one is liable to leave loving relationships so one cannot be abandoned later.

This is an area that requires skilled knowledgeable and clinical support as it may not be amenable to logic or even the constant loving presence of another person.

So even though you say you may not be able to communicate with words, maybe you are communicating at a lower level.

I only offer my own experiences and that of my partner. Your situation may be very different so please to not think I'm offering false hope, all I'm saying it is very difficult to know.

Please do not try to soldier on alone in this horrible time please seek help an\d support, personal or clinical, to help you get though

Croix

[Fen]

Thank you for your support and sharing your personal experiences with depression, which have helped me immensely. I’m seeking therapy myself, it’s a long road to healing. 

[Croix]

Dear Fen~

I'm very glad you are getting support for yourself. It is a time full of unknowns and it can be totally confusing. It must be a time of loss and grief, not something to face alone

Croix

[Fen]

Thank you Croix. Often when I read posts on beyond blue I see you’ve taken the time, effort and care to offer support to others through your own experience. It’s very much appreciated. 

Earlier you said “What you say and the actions you take would not have registered in my mind, it was too full of the thoughts put there by the illness”. Did you mean that you couldn’t see any of the caring actions taken or words of support given by your wife at that time? Your mind was just consumed with your own thoughts of yourself?  

[Fen]

Yes it is a time of grief, loss, confusion and the unknown. There’s a lot to process and discomfort in not knowing anything. Feels like a dark cloud invaded and was all consuming. 

[Croix]

Dear Fen~

I think you are understanding some of what I meant. It does not matter how loving or kind another person is if you cannot see it. MY mental illnesses filled all of my mind with depressing, hurting and hopeless thoughts. And when I say filled I do mean filled. There was no mental capacity left to either understand what I was doing and no room to cope wiht another persoon, no matter how god they were.

This varied from time ot time, sometimes the thoughts were less all-consuming. My wife had a very hard time becuse sometimes I'd be very cross and other times I"d just listen  to what she said. So she never knew what her words and actions would do.

This got better over time wiht medications and therapy, I"m back to being the loving  person I was and I ow my wife a big debt for sticking wiht me. She did have her mum close by and htat did make it a little easier for her at times -we all need support.

I hope that explains waht I was saying

Croix

[Fen]

Can depression make someone behave in a mean and nasty manner? They’ve always been kind and I have never seen them behave in a mean way before, to me or to anybody else. So I’m wondering about the meanness/nastiness in comments, saying hurtful things. 

[Croix]

Dear Fen~

I'd have to say it is possible. If you look back at my last post I tried to describe what it was like to have a mind so full of hopeless thoughts put there by depression it was basically impossible to cope with people as well.

As I said there were times when I reacted to what I felt as unbearable extra pressure in an unkind, aggressive or resentful way, just wanting to be alone. So It may be possible that is what is happening with your partner.

I'm not saying that is in fact the case with your partner, there are many reasons why people are unpleasant, only that it might be one possibility.

I hope for your sake this is in fact the case, and as depression lessens he returns to being the person you knew

Croix